Friendship, Life, Mental Health, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sprituality

What all Millenials need to hear about rejection

millenials_ _You are right where you're supposed to be_ love, the Universe

Perusing social media as an empath means feeling and filtering the many emotions of fellow Millenials. I hear so many of us expressing the same sentiments about rejection. We are losing friends and feeling rejected by lovers, we’re rejecting what was expected of us in life, and we’re rejecting the lives that we’ve built before truly knowing ourselves.

This post is a stream-of-consciousness of a few words of wisdom that will focus on rejection regarding friendships and life paths.

I feel like so many of us need to hear:
“You are right where you’re supposed to be.”
If a friend no longer needs you – let them go.
Take the subtle hints – no means no.
Maybe means no.
Ambivalence means no.
Why would you want anyone in your life who isn’t an emphatic yes?
Even Jesus spit out the lukewarm water.
If you accept that, it is a reflection of your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s not a judgment, just a fact.

Don’t waste your time asking yourself repeatedly, “Was I the one in the wrong?” Am I not good enough?” The answer is not important. What’s important is that you always maintain your relationship with yourself and God, The Universe, and your higher self.

I know it’s not easy. For some, this blog post will be useless, and for some it will be a gentle reminder.
If you don’t know how to start a relationship with yourself or God, what I have found is that a simple willingness to have one is all it takes. There are no special rituals, questions, mantras, or actions you need to take.
If God and the Universe are loving, why would they make it impossible to be happy without them, and then turn around and make it difficult and complicated?

I’ve learned, through my spiritual journey, to reject all teachings that make it complicated to find God. God is within and is experienced as Love.

Now back to friendships. I’ve had many friends desert me in life and I didn’t understand it then, but I respect it now.
It was time for them to move on from me, and if I’d been only a bit more self-aware…I’d have heard the message loud and clear – and fell back.
They didn’t owe me an explanation. Only respect. I didn’t really need them, only God, and everyone has access to God. So they never really hurt me.
Hindsight is everything.

Remember: rejection is redirection, protection, and preparation – for someone else to come and fill that void in your life.

Rejection comes in many forms. You may be rejecting a certain paradigm.
If you don’t love your life anymore – step out on faith, follow and trust your gut. It may get harder before it gets better.
And this is what nobody wants to talk about or hear:

Many people die on the path – but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful or any more avoidable.

Yes, you may get rich in any area of your life – or die trying.
But you don’t stop trying.
Or if you do, that’s OK too. Just try to drink in every moment.
Love,
Star
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Dating, Life, Nature, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Tonight I Think I Did Tantra. (I feel connected to everything…)

But…can you actually “do” Tantra?

Tonight, Oct. 17, 2013, I was with someone very special, Someone I hadn’t seen in a very long time. Or it had felt like it.

We talked, we connected, we smoked, we laughed, it was the edge of my foreplay.

We kissed, we knew we were to partake of one another’s essence, even if it wasn’t in the physical.

It started energetically. It was a need that I couldn’t quite explain to him but he felt it.

It was a void that he needed to fill.

It was more than just my pussy hole. It was my heart.

My sweet rivers of blood were running…so we knew what kind of night it would be. But I would still take him inside me.

He would draw a silent milk from my breasts, later he would provide a different type of milk for me to rub in.

When I took him deep, I truly took him deep inside of me, to the point where he felt different sensations that he hadn’t felt before.

He described how it felt for me to be wrapped around him and feel my essence drip down on him.

I took time with him. I asked him to trust me.

I hoped he would. It was a hurdle we got over.

It was clear. The hurt and pain had been washed away, along with the doubt.

The tears did it. And maybe the blood.

The wind…the breath.

Now, we were sure.

I was telling him things with my mind.

You know that you have everything within you to succeed. You are a King.

I moved my hands from his abdomen to his heart. I couldn’t take my hand away. My soul was speaking:

You are…

I couldn’t finish, I was simply imbuing him with me…with GOD.

We both felt it. And on the walk home, in the cool night air that I wished would last forever, that I wished would never go away and I remembered fun summer nights…I felt connected to everything.

This planet…when she bleeds I bleed.

Her fucking polluted waters are my blood running along my thighs like tiny rivers and streams, leaving me along with my fears.

She is cleansing, I am cleansing.

I am my Mother, I came from my Mother.

I speak the Tree Language.

Me and my baby take walks in the park for this reason.

My sister cramps and I pray silently that she embrace them and really transform her pain…like I did…like a Goddess.

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Culture, Life, Nature, Personal Liberation, Sex, Sprituality

The Virgin Blood

The blood on the sheets was like a marker, a representation that I was new.

From my blood chronicles journal that I keep about my menstrual cycle:

Tonight I’m letting the blood just flow freely on the sheets, mattress and bed. I know her power now. 

She has the power to wash away doubts fears and worries like Oya brings the wind [and Yemeya, the water.] 
 
And my blood leaving my body brings a peace that I am turning over a new leaf.
And I did…I woke up and realized that I had been penetrated…by a new energy, of Trust, of Knowing, of Release, of Forgiveness.
I had forgiven myself for ever doubting that I could ever not be Loved. For feeling unloved. For forgetting that I am always connected to my Source, THE Source…My God…Us.
My cherry had been broken. Blood on the leaves…blood on the sheets.
I love the way Nature always makes everything new.
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Friendship, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Tears for Fears

Ull find ur way… I promise

This was my latest facebook post before writing this article. I don’t know why or for what reason, but for some reason the tears just came. I thought I was happy. I guess I was wrong.

I knew the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s would make me sentimental, especially after people had said it was the story of my life, and that I should read the book. Several signs had pointed to me needing to have watched this movie for a while. Namely, a good friend mentioned it, and then a woman came into the salon wanting the signature French roll. Moon River, the theme song of the movie, has taken me on ride since the first time I ever heard Sarah Vaughan’s version on a jazz cd.

A quarter of the way into the movie, I was in tears. They would stop…and then I was convulsing…muffling my screams wanting to let it out, but afraid someone would hear me and come and ask me what’s wrong. That’s just the thing…I don’t know.

But I think it has something to do with “birthing pains.” I’m becoming a new me, and I’m startled at how swiftly and seamlessly it’s all happening.

My morals and values just aren’t what they used to be.

I always thought I was a good person, but really I’m not, I’m just selfish. And I do what feels good at the time; I do what benefits me and feels good to me.

But at least I’m admitting it, which is more than I can say for the rest of you.

That friend, that same friend who mentioned the movie, I slept with him. He has been in a relationship for 8 years. They even have a baby. And afterwards, we both sat there trying to figure out why we didn’t feel a lick of guilt.

I kissed a married woman and one day, I want to make love to her. I realized I don’t give a damn about whether or not she’s lying to her husband, its me who I care about. Already she has been an incredibly good influence on my life…I think she has that affect on people.

I’ve got to live my life for me, you see.

The scared child inside wonders about my life.

Lol, I remember one time I was unknowingly with a man who had separated from the mother of his child. For 5 months I loved this man, and probably after that too. When I found out he was lying to me though and was planning to buy a house while him and I were still living together, I sent her pictures of him and I kissing to their new apartment (to which he told me the address, or maybe he left some mail out?) and the keys to the apartment him and I shared. I was 20 years old and 7 years later I saw him in the train station. After all we had been through, he said he always remembered me, looked me up on facebook often, and he learned so much from me. He said he especially loved the way I cooked, and his favorite dish…one time I put lemon juice, herbs, and honey on fries.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’ve bared my soul to many…and what is it worth? I cried not because I’m afraid to be who I am and do what I want…but because I’m afraid that I really don’t give a damn that this is the woman I’m becoming.

I was supposed to be manifesting Goddesshood. I guess I better start revolutionizing the definition of what that means for me. Everyone has their cup of tea, and I guess mine just involves public nudity and sleeping with people in “committed” relationships. What is a Goddess? I guess I should come to terms with the fact that change is good, good is God, so God is change.

And what about what others think? Maybe the true definition of freedom is simply not giving a fuck about that.

But then there’s my parents…someone said your parents must be blamed for the waywardness of a child. I wouldn’t want them to be involved in any of the ways I live my life now. They’re from a different time. They’re good church people, who believe in God and pray. They love me, and they did the best they could. I’m so sorry we don’t even believe in the same God anymore…I’m sorry that my ways would eventually disappoint them, but I don’t even think they could begin to understand.

I won’t stop…despite the tears and fears. I feel fiercely determined to defend my right to go on this journey and discover my personal liberation along the way. Now, I’m not that naïve, I’m not like Holly Golightly in this case, thinking that anyone who loves me is trying to trap me. But, I do think that when they do, it’s not really love. I had this conversation with the womb choice…love doesn’t equal ownership. When he spoke of relationships, he disagreed saying there is a sense of belonging to the other person involved. I’m sure if there was anyone I could give up my freedom for, it would be him. I woke up one day completely feeling like I wanted to devote myself to him. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like he was going to give me anything I said I wanted. But, maybe he knows better. Maybe I didn’t want the marriage and kids the way I said I so desperately did… Maybe I just ain’t the marryin’ kind.

They say if you were ready for what you wanted, you would have it. And…I don’t.

But I’m ready for discovery. Connection. Stimulation. Vulnerability…and Truth. I guess these things could be the makings of Goddesshood…

Won’t you continue on this journey with me…to wait around and see?

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Culture, Life, Personal Liberation, Sprituality

The Baptism

I waited until everyone was asleep, and things were quiet. I had been waiting over two weeks to receive instructions as to how to go about the external things I needed to do to activate an internal change. I knew that something had happened, either now or in another life, that had caused me to fail to live up to my full potential, that of a Goddess or Queen. I thought that these blockages were something outside of me, but I am slowly learning that nothing good or bad ever is. I thought that I was going to remove an unknown curse from long ago or even now, but my Spirit would reveal to me that I was wrong. Tonight, I would cast out my own demons.

Fears have been following me all my life. They showed up in my dreams and in my waking life in the form of jobs that had always frustrated me and relationships that left me said and broken instead of empowered. Only recently, maybe last year, had I really begun to tap into the Essence that is God in Me. And tonight, as I prepared for my ritual I knew that after I wouldn’t be the same.

I took lemons, sea salt, bay leaves, essential oils and eggs. I had heard of eggs being extremely absorbant, and sea salt being a powerful remover of negative or lower energies.  This is why people go to bathe in the Dead Sea, there are spiritual reasons for that as well as physiological.

I blew over the water as the instructions had shown. And although aware that the eggs were fragile and could not be broken or else the ritual would have to be done again because the negative energy would be released into the water again, I had no fear of that.

Little had I been realizing, my ENTIRE life, was that if I didn’t have to fear eggs breaking while I bathed in the dark, I didn’t have to worry about whether or not my food stamps would run out, or how I was going to attract the abundance that is my birthright.

I am done with public assistance by the way. I will never again be like the women in the park when I was topfree, fighting for my own oppression. It’s beneath me now because there truly is a better way.

The eggs kept making their way towards my womb. I thought that was interesting. Soon they became like little children to me, always floating back to the womb…the place of their origin. They wanted to be near there because they hadn’t finished their journey. Sad fate for them, but then again, all is well.

I had to move gingerly and delicately like a dancer in that water, so as not to break the eggs. I felt…Divine.

I felt protective of the eggs, taking them out of the water when I had to stand up to scrub my entire body, washing away old ideas and limiting beliefs that no longer served me, I placed them gently back in the tub, and when I stepped out to take a look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I’d look figure modeling naked and covered in soap, I had to place my toe ever so lightly back in that sacred water, so as not to step on the tiny compared to me eggs. Fragile, yet so strong.

After I rinsed, I was ready to be baptized. I did as the instructions said, and spoke the special word. It didn’t feel particularly different…until I just began to cry…a little fear came to me but quickly went away…and then Spirit said to me, “You remember the last time? You will have many baptisms.” I just kept crying and said “Thank you.”

Renewed, Rejuv’ed Revitalized

I rinsed off in cool water once more just to get the salt water off of my hair and body.

I stepped out and said “It is finished.”

I really did feel light.

I wore white to bed.

Something has changed and I’ll never be the same. Then I heard a voice say “This is just the beginning. We have a lot of work to do.”

So, there it is…The Baptism.

I’ll sleep with the eggs in my room, whole, until I can leave the house without disturbing anyone to throw them away. I actually want to spend more time with them this way. They remind me of how gentle you must be with someone who is fragile, even if, especially if, they are carrying so much negative energy inside. It’s a lesson to be learned. I know I’ve been there. A thin shell can only take so much.  And there are some things even John Mayer’s music can’t fix…

If you’d like to know more about the ritual, I can tell you where to go to get more info. It’s a great way to remove blockages so you can go on to live up to all you know you can be. And you don’t need the Army to do that. Be your own Savior.  (Blasphemous? Only if you don’t believe that you come from God. All the separation is totally silly. I see that now.)

Love y’all.

 

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Uncategorized

Nature is the New “Church”

Since living in New York, I have come across many different spiritual ideologies. Some of them I’ve sought out, some of them have found me. I have explored everything from Christianity (which is the religion I grew up in) to Gnostic Christianity, to Nation of Islam to Orthodox Islam, to Atheism to Buddhism, from New Ageism to Kemeticism, even looking up the virtues of Satanism and Black Magick.

It’s funny, I believe everything, every event, every thought, every whim has a spiritual root or is somehow divine, and so I have to say that even me arriving to live in NYC was a sort of divine synchronicity. I went to school here for one year and studied Theater, or at least, that was my major (I didn’t study much theater, I was too busy experiencing my life as one big performance). Then at the end of the school year I realized that I didn’t do anything during the year to secure my stay in the city. But boy, did I want to stay. I made friends that I didn’t wanna lose contact with, and I was building my dreams in the best place in the world. I tried to get a job at a restaurant as a hostess, and I totally blew the interview: I went out the night before and didn’t arrive until about an hour after it was supposed to start. It didn’t matter much though, an older guy who I was talking to at the time reassured me that he had made many mistakes as a younger man, I was only 18, and he told me if I really wanted to be here, I could still make it happen. I ended up going home anyway, because my parents couldn’t afford any summer classes, and I had a great aunt who wouldn’t let me stay with her either. Strangely enough (and this is why I stress patience and allowing in my life more than ever), God had a plan for me. All I could think about was living in New York permanently (although now I know nothing is permanent in this life) and soon I got my chance to see if I could really survive here on my own.

One day I went to a party with my sister, and a girl started to talk to me. I exchanged numbers with her, (even though I wasn’t into women at the time and I STILL am not into masculine women today) and over the next few days proceeded to talk her ear off on the phone. Somehow, my sister ended up talking to her. It just made more sense. One day, on the way to the girl’s house to hang out, my sister and I got into a car accident, in which someone rear ended her. We settled and our award was $1300. We split the money and went to a little physical therapy at a chiropractor’s office 3 times a week for the whiplash. It took a while for us to get our money, and in the meantime, I began talking on the phone with a guy who I went to college with. We always meant to hang out while we were in school but we never did. We talked for hours on the phone several times a week, and he told me a lot about his tumultuous childhood. He had been abandoned as a young boy in Nigeria, blah blah blah. He hated his Mom and believed all women who cheat should die. He called his last female roommate many names and labeled her a crackhead. He even called me one night to confess to me that he had thrown her up against the wall. When I was less than supportive, not judgmental but not particularly understanding why he would call me, he got upset and hung up on me. All red flags, I know now, but back then, nothing would stop me from living my dream. He and the girl were on bad terms, she moved out, they had a sexual relationship, me and him were more like brother and sister. I took my half of the settlement money, $650, and moved in the 2 bedroom apt with him. I moved out by the end of the month, but the events that transpired there is another story. (I’m writing a book.)

It’s the best decision I’ve ever made. During my pee break just now, I realized that I didn’t become a woman until about the age of 27 (now). I know that it’s a gradual process, and there are several epiphanies along the way to becoming a full blown woman or man or transgender person. But I really had been thinking like a girl even up until a few months ago. Over the years I have been initiated into new information that has helped me open my eyes in so many ways and has helped me see that I have so much power and responsibility over creating my life. They say a man defines his growth by his work life, and a woman defines the different periods in her life by the relationships she has. In my evolution, I have found this to be true. The most important relationship through all of this has been the one with myself, and I’ve been working on the one with God. (Is there a difference? Hmmmm…)

When I prayed about moving back to NYC, I made a deal with God. I promised that I would go to church if “he” could make this move happen. For about 8 years I didn’t step foot inside of one. I joined one in 2010 and I go a few times a year, when I get inspired. But lately, as a result of me seeking the truth about life and love, and following the path beaten centuries ago, I came across some rituals and ceremonies that totally align with where I’m at right now, to integrate my spirit self with my human, and to be more connected to the Earth. This is what led me to write this on the night of the last eclipse. Nature and I are really getting cozy.

I have realized my church now is nature. I was determined to see this eclipse tonight, but where I live you can’t see any stars, nor the moon. So I proceeded to go to the river. This is what I felt; my interpretation. I feel the need to make that very clear disclaimer, even though I shouldn’t have to.

At first I looked for the moon and it wasn’t there so I just walked and prayed to the water, thanking her, thanking God, acknowledging that it’s all one, and I got into that space. I was full of gratitude. After I prayed I kind of went into a trance for a minute and felt a strong pressure in my third eye. I didn’t quite leave my body or anything, but I felt more aware after that.

Then I felt led to go to the place where I buried my list of 10 things I wanted to manifest in the ground. I prayed that it would grow like a tree as I laid hands over it and spoke my intentions into it. I went to the trees and I acknowledged their beauty and all they give and the fact that they are living creatures. They DO have feelings and they CAN communicate with us. They feel nurturing to us, in a service kind of way, kind of like maternal. Trees, plants shrubs are very feminine creatures. They said they do not feel pain like we do, yet when someone scratches their name into them, they take it as a loss. They see us as children who do not know what to do with them, or do not know how smart they are. They said they are rarely violent, but do we think they don’t fall on houses on purpose during hurricanes? Hmmm (smile). They also have different “personalities.” I feel like different shrubs and trees’ temperaments match how they look. They also expressed to me that they like for us to touch them, caress them, just like a pet, but not peel their bark haphazardly and break branches as such. If we are using their wood or other parts for use, it’s not like they’re like “Yay!” but they see it as a sacrifice for the common good. Like I said, trees are very maternal in that way.

So that’s what I came away with. And I felt so connected with nature after that. Nature is my new “church.”

P.S.: Long ago when I considered getting inked, I thought of getting “nature girl” tatooed on my ass, with a nude picture of me laying in grass or something. It’s still an option.

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