Dating, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Can Being Sexy Help with Depression?

Taken backstage at Dionne from

Taken backstage at Dionne Fairbanks…top from

This weekend was bitter sweet.  The sweetness was I had the debut of my acting career (in Dionne Fairbanks) a play that ran for a weekend in New York City, Off Broadway, after 10 years. Many of you don’t know this but acting is what I came to New York to do. I never did though. I did many other things that I felt I enjoyed more, like modeling and singing…and most recently writing and blogging. It’s all my calling. I live to  express.

The bitterness was man I’ve been sleeping with for the past few months wasn’t there to see this triumphant moment in my career. Long story. Actually, pretty short. Death in the family. It’s never expected. I didn’t know about this until the last day of the show. So you can imagine my pain. I was very disappointed.

Still the show had to go on, I had to go on.

So I put on my make up, my costume, my wig, and I took selfies until the pain subsided. I’ve come to terms with the fact that looking good and feeling sexy can help a thousand woes. I seriously have used makeup to improve my mood and I’m not ashamed of it. In an effortless attempt to be more naked emotionally and at a soul level I have stopped wearing foundation on my face. It improved my confidence in a deep way. For the stage though, I went through what used to be my daily ritual of applying foundation and 5 or 6 other pieces of makeup.

If you read in my erotica blog about my exercise in submission with a man I was involved with you will see how sexuality, femininity, and power all intertwine. I have never felt so powerful than when I was utilizing my sexuality. Maybe that’s why in my early 20’s (ooh! I feel so old…being able to say “early 20’s”) I was a fan of one night stands. Many times when I went out with the intention of having sex, choosing the partner, and bedding him, I felt great about it. I walked away lighter. I didn’t understand that sometimes it had spiritual repercussions. But there was something powerful about it.

Feeling bad in the morning (which I’ve started a 6th journal simply about how I feel when I wake up in the morning) can be remedied by getting dressed up and looking sexy that day. I like to be seen, complimented, and I like to feel beautiful, so it helps. Plus, after you apply your mascara…there’s no more time to cry. Still through the pretty, tears are shed. But at the end of the day you have to find the beauty in the ugliness. I feel comfortable in both. But I feel a major boost in my confidence when I emphasize all that makes me sexy.

Culture, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Sex at the Sinks-The Hidden Sexuality of Touching a Stranger

For the longest time, I have been able to see sex in everything I do, sexual energy that is. Some people call it “having your mind in the gutter,” but I think there is something terribly wrong when a society associates sex in general with a place that is considered the bowels of the big city. Think about that. I have long thought I was sexy and exuded or oozed sensuality. The studying of various attitudes towards sex I’ve been doing lately has confirmed it: sexuality is apart of our everyday lives and is not just when we’re having intercourse. As a newly aspiring masseuse (among other things) and a receptionist at a hair salon who occasionally does shampoos (I like to think of them as high quality professional scalp massages by a woman gifted and talented with her hands), I wasn’t surprised to feel the familiar exchange of energy that goes on between two bodies when one is helping the other to relax and feel good. I hadn’t touched a stranger in that way in years,  with no re pore established prior to (even one night stands have that, and I haven’t done one of those in a while either).  I’m sure I had given random massages to fellow colleagues in the hotels overseas when we were overworked from flying, but that was a few years ago, and I had pretty much tried to forget many details from that flight attendant sham of a job. (Although by it’s sheer novelty I’m sure I’ll be forced to write about it sooner or later, down the last gritty fascinating detail.)

Touching someone in this way felt right and natural and I soon remembered the power I had to make someone feel better than they did before they met me. A man came into the salon and wanted a shampoo only. I was confused and said so out loud. “Basically he just want’s a scalp massage,” a stylist told me. I was on it. I wanted the tip. I knew I could swing this and it would be more than just a monetary exchange. This was an opportunity for me to practice my juju.

I hung up his jacket and dressed him in a robe. I told him to have a seat while he tied the ties of the robe around his waist and buttoned it closed at the top. He sat down and prepared to relax. I was in charge of his experience and I felt fully confident and capable. I was serene and peaceful so that energy transferred from my body to his. I walked behind him and placed a towel around his neck. Pressing the button on the chair to make it rise, I watched as his body levitated to a more supine position. I turned on the water and when it explodes from the hose it always sounds like a static-y radio or a crackly record. The woosh of the water as it runs over my hand and I test the temperature…”Is the water ok?” I say in a soothing, syrupy tone. “Oh yes it’s peeerfect,” he replies. After his hair is thoroughly wet, I turn the water off, reach behind me, and pump the shampoo bottle two times. The creamy ecru colored liquid forms a blob in the palm of my hand and I spread it all over the man’s hair. Now that it’s completely slathered in the shampoo, that’s when I begin my massage. I vigurously scrub his scalp using my fingertips and I make sure to go in a circular motion, touching every centimeter of his skin. As I feel the tension in his scalp releasing I feel a different type of tension in my body rise. And it’s funny, I can’t really describe it, I just know when I’m hitting the right spot. The signals are not always detectable, but later I found that someone else saw him tenting from across the room. I talked to him a little bit after hearing him moan once…he tells me “Oh, that feel’s so good. I’m getting such a good vibe from this place…It’s my first time.” I peered down the length of his body while my hands seemed to move all over his scalp without me thinking about it, and I wondered how I could have missed the slight bulge in his crotch.

I rinsed his hair of all of the soapy suds and I a thought occured to me that I really love working with the water element. It must be in my chart somewhere…(the person I would usually ask about this has drifted away from me, by choice, but I digress…). I reached behind me once more and pumped the conditioner from the bottle…twice. I smoothed it all over his hair and this time I went slowly in circles, making sure, as I had done during the washing, to massage behind his ears and  and the back of his head down to the top of his neck, where a ton of tension is stored. I made sure my fingertips slid all over his slippery scalp. I took my time, after all, there was no stylist with a full appointment book waiting on him, I had no one to rush me, and this was all he came for.  I felt fully responsible for his relaxation, and I wanted him to get all that he was paying me for. I knew the more comfortable I made him, that he would ask for me, look for me, seek me again, give me his money, which is another exchange of energy. This was magnetism fully at work.  I was devoting my talent for making people relax to this man for 10-15 minutes, and I took it very seriously.

After I rinsed him for the third and last time… I dried him off gently with the cottony warm towel, and silently pressed the button that made the chair upright again. He was telling me how relaxed he felt before his big meeting, and I felt like something of a mistress, prostitute, healer, and goddess. As I continue to delve into my femininity I’m beginning to realize there is no difference between any of them. He pressed $10 dollars into my hand and I felt like a million bucks…he asked for my name and his name was similar…he looked at me like I wasn’t real, with great appreciation. I wondered how much I could get for other types of massages. If I could make this man feel this great in such a short amount of time in front of everyone, I wonder how much more I could affect him in a private, intimate setting with candles, essential oils and meditative music?

This is the power of touch…this is the way we are having energetic exchanges with people we don’t even know. Now, the first time I had that same affect on a woman, I nearly recoiled at the thought that I had that much powerful over another creature who had the same type of magnetic power I have. I didn’t expect it, and it made me think about the Power….the power to make someone relax…it is truly something I’ll have to get used to if I’m going to be touching people skin to skin for a living. It’s something I’m considering…Wanna be my guinea pig? Hee hee hee…

I feel men who are not fully aware or cognizant of their power or sexuality may be fearful of their power to make a woman totally relax…more on that in another post about the mystery of femininity and attraction. Stay tuned in and turned on!

Culture, Dating, Events, Life, New York City, Politics/World Issues, Relationships, Sex, Technology

Had to Repost: The Kissing Sailor, or “The Selective Blindness of Rape Culture”

This is so well written and concise, and I would have written it had she not…so I’m very happy to present you with this article about a “pretty picture” and it’s ugly truth:


The Kissing Sailor, or “The Selective Blindness of Rape Culture”.

and Relationships, Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Technology

The Power of Sexting

Do it because it makes you happy.

For all my adult females…Just do it.

Tap into your inner sex Goddess and just tell him what he wants to hear. Be creative and laugh a lot. Hide your phone from your co-workers, and tap away. This post is coming from a really horny place, but it has been argued that there is no such thing as lust, and no such thing as horny. I have read doctors, teachers, and love coaches say that when you are attracted to someone, it is actually because you have a “gift” or even some would say a type of “spiritual medicine” for them. In his book, If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships , Chuck Spezzano, PhD says just that as one of the principles. So there. A doctor said it. (For those of you who place a lot of value on titles.) Also, Kenya K. Stevens of Jujuama also teaches women who take her Womb Choice Class (I took it and it changed my perspective forever) that there is a no such thing as lust, and that tingly feeling you feel in your uterus and vagina when you see a man you’re attracted to is Spirit telling you that there are wonderful opportunities for growth when you enter into relationship with that person. Doesn’t have to be sex, and sexting is a safe alternative.

All I know is, most people who have free time during the day are on their phones. It’s a quiet way to express yourself to the one you’re interested in while on the bus, train, waiting for your flight to take off, or have a free moment at lunch. And my own personal experience has shown that I seem “happier” and “more alive” if I am trying to find enticing words to fit the images of what I want the person to imagine. I get great satisfaction from knowing that they are quite stimulated by my words. I have to think fast, be impulsive, edit, proofread, but also be discreet. It helps me multi task and keeps my juices flowing. It helps me be a better writer. Someone passing by me on the street actually told me “You’re happy” today, and my day went smoothly. It builds anticipation between you and your sext partner, and it also can be a way to find out what one other likes sexually, if you even plan to take it that far. Long distance relationships can benefit greatly as well, as you never want to go too long without letting someone feel your desire for them, even if they’re miles away. The many benefits of sexting are undeniable.

I have never been disappointed while sexting except when I started thinking too much and wondering…is all this person wants from me? And then I have to remember that that is impossible because I’m Helese! Everyone knows there’s so much more to be than that. If I remember who I truly am, all is always well. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta hit send now. My sext partner is waiting on a hot juicy response and I’m totally open… Happy Sexting!

Culture, Life, New York City, Politics/World Issues, Sex, Uncategorized

Support and Attacks on Topfreedom and the T.I.T.S. Movement

As it stands, T.I.T.S. is a movement of one, physically. Although, in spirit, and through the power of their complaints, people are supporting or attacking the Right to Bare Breasts. I was almost arrested today. I quoted laws to the offending officers but none of that worked. The cops rolled up behind me while I was chillin, minding my business on a bench on the Promenade in Brooklyn Heights, and told me that I could be arrested for endangering the welfare of a child because their parents were complaining about me being topless. They said they had about 10 or 20 people complain, and if they had waited, it could have been 50. I explained that children are not being harmed, and I am exercising my right. Besides, children breast feed up until 2 or 3 at times. They were angry and frustrated and said that I wasn’t using “common sense.” I guess today was a test, because this was my second day to do this on that location, and I wasn’t bothered before, but I quieted my solar plexus, my will, and I used my head and calculated what the physical, emotional, monetary, and long-term costs would be to be arrested at this time. Output=not worth it. Maybe another day, but I still refused to agree with their reasons as to why I should put my top back on. They asked for my ID, and I said “I’m complying by putting my clothes on, so I don’t understand why you would need that.” Today, I understood the power of threats and intimidation to get compliance. I had no fear, I just didn’t feel it would be worth it to go through the discomfort of being arrested. I suffered a migraine and emotional pain all night, thinking about the man who I would soon decide to let go, for my own good and his. I’m sure he won’t miss the long texts of me explaining how my needs aren’t being met, and I will enjoy the power of balance, discernment, and exercising my right to end the relationship. He actually told me the other day “You don’t make the rules here.” But what he failed to realize is….I DO, I WILL…and most importantly I AM THAT I AM. I created him, so I can create another reality. It really is my right. I choose to put my metaphorical top on and leave the park of that situation crying, just like I did today in real life, knowing in both situations that I avoided a totally unnecessary uncomfortable situation. Sometimes the growth from situations can come from making a choice NOT to go through something. There are many ways to learn.

Anywho, on a positive nod to the movement, please check out a very POWERFUL response from India Olowokande-Ame’ye:

 I am so excited to catch up on all this. Thank you Itheopiah Chiamaka you too are very powerful…I peeped yr goddess a long time ago ;). no I haven’t done much of anything on the internet. I had to take a break from photographing and filming and sit quietly, alone…for a few months. Gave myself full permission to do that. But I’m cumming out my yoni temple soon, soon. Also I’m finalizing my book, and things are happening offline. I’m abt to go get a glass of wine and check this out. Thank u, I love when black women bare our breasts and write about it. We are meant to be alive and loving outloud and all that juicy jazz. So just seeing yr picture magnetized mah lil smile, u have no idea! Xo…Wow, just watched your brilliance and I’m sooo moved by your candidness, commitment, and sincerity. What an honor and pleasure to read your words and watch the accompanying video in all its rawness. I tell ya, I appreciate your movement and courage to do what u are doing. Now u got me thinking abt the “laws” and knowing my rights and honoring my right to do so. I am out of doors, topless at minimum, at least once a day and I do believe that breasts are powerlines to the divine, and when I started taking time to allow them to feel the sun, wind, rain, clouds, grass, rocks, trees, wata, red clay ,u name it..that’s really when they began to come alive again, carrying tremendous life force energy. I don’t wear bras and stopped wearing them abt six or seven years ago and my breasts sit how they sit…plus I command them to do so u know. I tell my body how I want it to be. The mind has great command ova the anatomy and how smart the bra companies and BIG Pharma (because bras have been linked to breast cancer) are to make (some) women believe if we stop wearing bras our gorgeous breasts will sag, if 1. Its true 2. There is something “wrong” with breasts that fall….when breasts that fall are lovely and can contain just as much life as breasts that sit high. Also many women believe that their breasts will fall with age or childbirth….the body does whateva the owner thinks and feels it should do…that is the silent command we have ova ourselves. I love my breasts…omg …do I. Yes honeys I do…and my breasts know it too and that get all happy when I talk with them, rub them, kiss them, set them free, and tell them what to do. Girl I’m over the moon and off topic now, but I just love u Helese and I love what u are doing. I nearly in tears typing. Wheeee! Xo

I couldn’t have said it better. This woman is one of my role models. She so eloquently stated my reasons why I choose to bare my breasts and the healing therein. Even though I “stood down” today, movement won’t stop-today I chose to be water, not earth, and comply to fit into the container of this FUCKED UP SOCIETY….But the movement won’t end. Tied to my personal liberation, it has only just begun.