If I really thought my thoughts changed my reality, then wouldn’t I be spending my energy on changing my thoughts especially if I don’t like my reality? I love my reality. It is either love, or a CALL for love. And this sweet pain has become delicious, bc I’m letting myself feel it, and existential crises are now healed by Love. I think my deepest fear is that I am not Loved and can never truly Love anyone. That I will remain with this pain forever. But slowly and surely….my reality reflects something different. I self soothe fuck outta myself. I curse myself then correct it….I tell myself that everything I see outside of myself is actually in my own mind. If perceive that I am neglected, it is because I am neglectful of myself. I’m a wild woman, but I don’t allow myself to be at all times. Sometimes I’m calm and that seems more acceptable to people. Sometimes I’m really committed and see a future with myself, other times I just want to run away from any routine and explode into impossibilities, leaving love, tenderness and destruction where ever I spin, like a tornado, (Oya – Sudden Change, Purification). Sometimes I am an Ocean and wanna have lots of babies and cater to everyone around me with nurturance and Momma-Love (Yemaya). At times I am the River, gushing with life, sensuous, gathering and attracting all kinds of gifts, giving them away without a care, drenched in gold and sunglight. Oshun, my dominant kind of thing. I am all of these things within a single DAY. Oh well, I guess I am a woman.
It seems like the last few years we’ve been hearing the term self love everywhere. It’s become an effective, yet confusing, marketing tool. While this messaging at first seemed like a positive step, it’s clearly more about selling the product than celebrating women, better known as the consumers. Love yourself by using this deodorant… Love yourself by buying this $50 wrinkle cream. Hurry, you’re almost 30!.. Love yourself by fulfilling your chocolate craving with this fiber bar that tastes like kitty litter… they’ve convinced us that self love is about “indulging” in a piece of sugar-free candy. That’s certainly not a bad idea, but we’re selling ourselves way short. There’s something we can tap into that’s much more powerful and long-lasting, and it’s as natural as a 3:00 pm yearning for something sweet.
Self love actually means putting yourself and your needs first. Sometimes this feels like we’re disappointing others or being selfish, but it’s kind of like how on the airplane you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs. Women have a hard time with this since patriarchal systems have convinced us that our sole purpose and the measure of our worth is based on taking care of others. But this is why taking care of and loving ourselves is such a crucial step towards liberation.
It may sound like a tall order, smashing patriarchy and all, but one way to generate self love is by doing just that: masturbating. Self-cultivation, as Oprah calls it, truly enables us to take control. By fulfilling our needs, we are owning our power. Exploring our bodies and what brings us pleasure enables to get connected with our true selves on a deep level. Think of it almost like physical meditation, because the benefits are similar—increased clarity, fulfillment and joy, to name a few. By experiencing self-created pleasure, we find we don’t need to depend on someone else. Once this is realized, an overwhelming sense of freedom sweeps in.
In addition to the mental and emotional benefits, many studies show the overall health advantages of masturbating. If happiness and higher self esteem aren’t enough to convince you, loving on yourself also prevents UTI’s and lowers blood pressure. There are all different techniques and tools to play with, as noted by Adam and Eve, and they include standard vibrators, clitoris-stimulating devices, G-Spot massagers, and several others. Keep in mind that everyone’s body is different. Start out with some gentle vaginal massaging and work up to more intense stimulation. This is about doing what feels good for you. What’s most important is letting go of preconceived notions and enjoying yourself.
Self love isn’t just for when you’re solo. Having healthy sexual relationships with ourselves leads to improved relations with our partners. It’s no surprise that Psychology Today states that masturbating is the number one key to sexual happiness. When we’re comfortable with our bodies and aware of what we like, we’re able to communicate that to our partners. This is a win-win situation. It relieves stress for our partners since they won’t be playing the guessing game. They can enjoy themselves knowing they’re pleasing us, and we can enjoy being pleased.
It’s true what they say: “You can never love anyone until you learn to love yourself.” So re-think all that time, money, and energy you put into pleasing other people. Maybe next time you’re getting ready for a date, avoid the crippling emotional distress of applying false eyelashes and instead connect to the divine within yourself.
As I listen to a Louise Hay YouTube video about self Love, I realize that I’m not really all that fucked up to need it.
But I do, in fact, need it.
For the past 5 days I’ve been pretty much laid up-sure I went to an event recently and I really enjoyed myself, but mostly I’ve been in bed, resting, writing, meditating.
Sounds pretty productive right?
Well according to my new definition of productive, yes. Anything that has a positive result for me now or in the future is productive.
But that new definition is taking a while to settle in, or rather, sometimes I forget.
So I feel guilty for not working, for not being the traditional mode of productive.
But alas…I am creating.
But this is just one of the monkeys that I have to get off my back, damn near every day, just to get up!
It’s not easy. But I have reached my breaking point and it’s either die or stay alive.
I know I have all the tools in order for me to rescue myself.
So every day, even every night, I make a decision.
I will not die. I will live, and to my fullest potential.
A Course in Miracles says the Holy Spirit only guides you to something that you can do NOW. Well, I can say an affirmation now.
“I deserve the best out of Life, not because I’ve done anything good, but because I AM.”
I can choose to look at the situation with Love.
Last night one of the things I did before I went to sleep was to Mother myself.
I imagined a set of hands, older woman hands, not my mom’s during this lifetime, but maybe someone from ancient times. She spoke English though.
She said, “It’s ok baby. Everything’s going to be allll right.” And she caressed my face while I cried in her arms. I just imagined this maternal graceful spirit totally encompassing me…She said “I know baby…” And she wiped my tears away. And I just rocked in her arms while a tear or two rolled down my face.
So, I would advise everyone to chill the fuck out…because I have noticed that although I have lost damn near everything several times over in the past year, feeling like all hope is gone…I am more centered and believing that everything is going to be OK more than ever.
I’m creating more often than ever. And I’m putting it out there!
And I’m more clear on my purpose than ever. And I’m doing something about it!
I’m convinced that this bump in the road ISN’T the end of my journey. So I keep keeping on. I’m doing herbs, self soothing techniques, shaking up my routine, and simply not believing in the monkeys and the lies they tell anymore.
I’m doing more stuff than ever to help those monkeys go back to their trees, or caves, or jungles, or where ever the fuck they came from. Despite them coming to hang out every once in a while, the Universe has got my back. But they don’t belong on my back.