Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex

Timeless, Title-less Love (My Story of Having Relationships with No Titles) Pt. 1

gift-habeshaw-fVMMyFl4YqM-unsplashNote: This was written about six years ago from the date of publication. And I think I published it 3 years ago but took it down. It’s a good piece and the updates are ironic… I might even have to do a part 2 for this one! 

 

I have not written in a while. I moved from the state I was living in after 12 years with not many clothes in tow, and apparently I developed a relationship thereafter, and also started a new business. I’ve started school, got a little p/t job, took a leave from that job, reconnected with a few old friends, traveled, started driving, and released the need to call it anything but happiness and bliss.

 

That’s right. I have a new epiphany about naming things. While listening to Michael Jackson’s new album I realized that my most recent relationship transition reflects this song:

 

 

A place with love and happiness, a place that you don’t want to leave, and it has no name.

 

My current partner told me today that he wanted to be friends.

 

And I realized that it’s what I want to. He told me he loves me, and I still love him, so I thought, really this is the best of all worlds.

 

See, I should have learned this from my last relationship, but I guess I’m putting the nail in the coffin for this lesson:

Titles don’t get you Love. Only Love can get you that.

 

Somehow, in That One Moment,  every obligation towards him and all expectations of how the relationship was supposed to be was dropped. I was imprisoning myself with thoughts that I could never be the woman he wanted me to be in all the ways he wanted me to be.

 

I compared myself with other women in and out of his life, and I even started to care about his whereabouts a whole lot more than I ever like to care about anyone’s. You may call it crazy, but I call it a fucking miracle that I was able to release those negative thoughts, for the most part, in an instant, with the words: “Let’s just be friends.”

 

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced this with a love in my life. It happened with my first boyfriend, who was ironically named Mychal Jackson!

 

(Lol omg I totally just realized the synchronicity, Thank You Universe.)

 

We were cool for so long, telepathically connected, and very much in love, however, there were certain things as a middle schooler that I just could not give this high schooler.  And then I had an attitude, the pressure was building, I met a girl he was cheating on me with at the skating rink, (literally bumped into her in line and we plotted to confront him once we got inside, lol) Finally, I broke up with him.

 

Then we became friends. And our relationship became sweeter and more solid than ever before.

 

Then, in a more previous adult relationship, I was building with a man who told me that he couldn’t even put a title on what we were. He said something to the effect that what we had was undefinable. I was stuck on wanting to know “what are we” at that point, and I learned from that relationship that you can eventually be the “girlfriend” and still get shitted on.

 

Then I had other boyfriends and I was more unhappy in the relationship than out of them. Same person, same city, different “relationship status.” I learned to stop asking for the title and to ask God for the person who would bring the Love that I too was so ready to share.

 

From that point, I never cared about having a title between the person and I, although I still dealt with ownership, jealousy, and insecurities that reared their ugly head with a fervency that I had never known existed within me before. (Let the shadow work begin.)

 

Now, I have new goals that are evolving every day. Instead of wanting to be some man’s “piece” I focus on the type of woman I want to be. Sometimes I get sidetracked, but I am learning to correct the mistake of believing that someone else, even a loving man whom I adore, is responsible for my happiness 24/7 or even for a minute.

 

My current situation has taught me that I still have work to do in this area, but that is one thing I admire about myself: I never give up on the work of continually discovering who I am. Nothing makes me waver from that.

 

I do believe the new/old adage is true: “Relationships don’t end, they just transition.”

 

And I feel a sweetness in the surrender, in following his lead, in trusting the Universe’s path of least resistance. I feel certain in trusting that this was my answer to my prayer of what to do (which was really just to trust and let go). I feel secure in the feeling of me standing by my principles to do all of the above.

 

I feel good in the release of the pressure of feeling like certain things had to be done by him, and by me, rather than just enjoying each other’s company, attention, and love for each other. And being okay with him being an autonomous person who wants to do what he wants, because I want the same freedom from him. (We often give our friends way more freedom than we do our partners. Somehow, our partners are more like our prisoners than a true person who we trust to do what’s best for their own growth.) It feels so good to know that without the prospect of being “in a relationship” that I am not afraid to lose his love, which I was so afraid of when we were “more than friends.”

It feels really good to know that I’ll always have Love. And that’s real. Timeless, Title-less Love.

Note: Stay tuned for Part 2, 2019 version! I got updates on ALL OF THIS!

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Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Celibacy, Jealousy, and The Most Important Relationship of All

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Sometimes I feel like I want a “relationship,” sometimes I don’t.

The truth is, I don’t ever want to be in relationship and yet, I am always IN relationship. (I left out the “s” on purpose. Relationship is a state of mind, a state of being.) The question is how I choose to show up.

As I’ve been thinking about becoming celibate, there’s the question of intimacy and sexuality.

I want to feel close to someone at various times. Who wouldn’t want connection? Who wouldn’t want to feel fun and abandon in one’s body? The question is, what will I choose to attach that idea of intimacy to in my mind? What meaning will I give it? Am I able to feel the fullness of sexuality and sensuality and intimacy in my life as a woman and refrain of actual sex?

I have realized that whatever I put as a condition for someone else is what I hold myself to.

I also think about my bouts with jealousy and possession that I’ve been prone in the past. When I imprison someone with jealousy and expectations, that has to come through me first in order to get to them. I’m no longer willing to subject myself to that first, mainly because it sucks for me.

I’m selfish like that.
If I choose to be exclusive with someone and I’m also celibate, by default they must be celibate too.

Am I willing to subject someone to that?  Are there men out there willing to share that journey with me? Do I want or need them to?

I care more about what I want now, more than ever. And it feels damn good.
I’m already entangled in relationships of various styles, connections of various levels. None really have strings attached as I learn to “manage my expectations.” It’s a fun ride letting go.

I’m probably deceiving myself when I say “I don’t know if I want a relationship.”

What I’m really saying is “I  don’t know if I’m willing to take someone with me on this very self-centered journey of self-love and development. I don’t want to own you because I’m not going to let you own me. I’m quite good right now.”

When I decide to commit to someone, they’ll have to take a second seat to who I’m already dating…the woman I am.
That’s the most important relationship of all.


					
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Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex

I’ve been friend zoned – And I like it

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Hard to believe, but I’ve been FRIEND ZONED! I just wrote about the friend zone and setting boundaries in relationships in my last post.

I’ve been talking about this for a while in this space, the blurred lines that can sometimes occur between friends when there’s an attraction. It’s often a thin tightrope to walk.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that if I were giving relationship advice, I would advise women to never tell a man from jump that they’re not going to be intimate with him if they have an initial attraction to him, unless there was a reason that you need to say it out loud and make it a point – that is, if he asks. Some things just don’t need to be said, and part of your power as a woman is living in that mystery that men find so alluring. Not because they find it alluring, but because it’s a part of your power.

Also, if there’s an initial attraction there, you might just change your mind, and you might want to exercise that option years later because friendships are built to last.

I’ve been intimate with a few of my really good male friends. Sometimes it was because of one night of overflowing passion that finally reached a breaking point, and others it’s because we tried to have a relationship and for some reason, decided against it.

Because the friendship was solid for years, I didn’t have to worry about losing someone or the energy becoming awkward indefinitely because we had sex. We were beyond silly games, and we respected each other enough to where we could talk about our needs.

I’m grateful for these relationships. They are stronger than ever before, now that I make it an intentional practice of nurturing long lasting friendships. Maybe I’ll write about that next week.

Maybe I’ll write about that next week. But THIS week tho! I’ll tell you how it all started. I’m pretty open on my Facebook page. I am rebranding, quite subtly, but I’m really only trying to reinforce positivity and love on my page. People take notice.

One person in particular did, and since I knew a few of the people he dated, I figured he was cool since he hasn’t been excommunicated from the community.

Mostly, I just follow my intuition on these matters.

I’m an Aquarius moon, so it’s natural for me to have friends from all over the world, from all walks of life.

He commented on some of my posts and we sparked up a conversation. Soon we were talking on the phone, and at this point, I still didn’t know exactly what he wanted from me. I knew this man was older, and he seemed to talk about money more than was tasteful. But what intrigued me was that he was taking a class to improve his business skills, while having already ran a profitable business for 4 years. I researched it and it seemed legit. Anyway, I wasn’t going to invest in his business or anything, which is now being dissolved I believe – but I’m very careful where I put my energy these days, any relationship I form is, in fact, and investment.

Our first conversation on one evening lasted hours, which didn’t say much because I can talk for hours with no problem. He did most of the talking anyway. I enjoyed listening. This is a skill I wanted to cultivate more skillfully for my own self-development. It’s been working. It’s funny how the Universe responds to your intentions – I’ve been meeting some serious big talkers lately. Refreshing.

So, he eventually invited me to a party, but I got robbed! Larceny was performed (funny way to put it) on my vehicle that week, so I didn’t go. Plus, I was tired. I didn’t feel like the drive, and I wasn’t quite sure about this one yet. I was sure that I wasn’t really attracted to him in the way of romance, but in my new practice of keeping silent until there’s a reason to speak up, I didn’t feel the need to mention it. I did ask what he expected, and he said he just wanted to chill. Being so forthright when speaking about how he dealt frankly with other women, I didn’t feel he’d feel the need to lie to me.

We didn’t speak for a while, then one day he texted me saying, “I want to speak to you about something.”

“Sure,” I texted back.He called me and said, “Listen, I wanted to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed our conversations, and I’d really like to keep you in my life – as a friend.”

He called me moments later and said, “Listen, I wanted to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed our conversations, and I’d really like to keep you in my life – as a friend.”

Well that gave me pause.

“And that requires a conversation?” I asked skeptically, with a bit of an attitude even.

“Well, actually… ”

And this is where it gets interesting

“…In this class I’ve been taking, they said one of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is to not express your intentions from the beginning. If you don’t, how can both parties’ expectations be aligned?”

This was definitely new for me. I didn’t think I could apply this piece of advice of telling him what  I wanted, until after I knew I actually wanted a romantic partnership with a man. Then slowly, but surely, (that’s the goal) I begin to give him more and more responsibility and see how he handles it. Only then can he be a viable partner in my life.

NOTE: Becuase I hate when bloggers are making it seem like they’re totally following all of their own rules and perfect at everything, I want to say that this was only what I learned AFTER screwing so many relationships up. I mean by putting ALL of the responsibility for my happiness on the other person, by actually getting UPSET that they had other things to do besides be with me (now, I actually LOVE busy, PRODUCTIVE men) and exploding into angry, emotional outbursts and pouring out my heart to them that I have abandonment issues that they’ve triggered by not calling me back. So yes, I HAVE MADE THESE MISTAKES and here you’ll see me LEARNING from them. That is all.

Now, back to me literally being friend zoned – this was happening and I didn’t even catch it – but I liked it!

Not only did it take the pressure off of me of wondering what this new man who wanted to be in life expected of the times we would hang out and enjoy each other’s company, but he was straight up about it. It was a verbal contract. There was no mystery – there didn’t need to be – we’re just friends.

And friendship is a beautiful thing. I’ll never devalue it again.

I didn’t feel slighted. I didn’t feel less attracted to him OR less attractive. I felt relieved and empowered.

Sooner or later I won’t care at all what men want from me, or other people in general. I’ll show up with what I’m ready to give and leave it at that.

But I’m still navigating approaching all of my relationships in a new way.

I take full responsibility for my feelings, and you take responsibility for yours. It IS a process.

And in the meantime, some clear boundaries don’t hurt. In fact, they actually help.

What should you take away from this? Maybe I’ll revise what I said earlier: establish what you want from the relationship as early as you know it – but don’t let anyone pressure you into making a decision before you’re ready.

The friend zone is a pretty comfortable place. Kick your feet up, and make yourself at home.

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and Relationships, Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

My Own Jealousy Turns Me On. WTF?

That time I simultaneously felt jealousy and a sweet tingling in my pussy…WTF?

How could this be? How could I be turned on by a thought that scares me?

I used to punish myself and turn myself on with thoughts of my lover having sex with someone else. This is the first time I realized jealousy could be a tool. The fantasy would be him taking her in the bedroom while I sat outside of the room and cried. But yet, I was able to have some pretty good orgasms with this line of thought.

The man I’m seeing has a ton of female “friends.” Talldrankawater that he is I assume that every woman in his life who poses as a mere friend wants to sleep with him. Just like I assume that the men in my life want to sleep with me, talldrankawater that I am. Slight to severe jealousy is present into that current situation. I got rid of it for a while by wishing it away. But it came back.

I do a lot of projecting. Like all those times I assumed that all of my various boyfriends would love my best friend, and fall in love with her if they met her. I made sure they knew all of her great qualities and would have us all hang out. Of course, until I met the new guy through her. Then when I looked at the situation I realized that he had never given me any indication that he liked as anything more than a friend. No, really it was me who was harboring those feelings and couldn’t own them enough to own them. (I realize I repeated myself but that’s the best way I can explain it.)

Every woman I think is beautiful I immediately transfer those feelings to the man I’m seeing at the moment. Now, logic would tell you, since none of the men I have seen have really been like any of my friend’s boyfriends, and her are equally beautiful and intelligent yet not really alike. So why would I automatically assume that they would like her so much? Is it because I couldn’t really believe that they would truly appreciate me? Do they have to choose? Do I appreciate myself?

Learning to. Loving the journey.

None of them really seemed that interested in how they might feel about her, but they were very interested in how I felt. And I’m sure some even wondered why the hell I was doing this? Why was I so insistent on him meeting my friends? I still don’t know the answer to this question…I remember I hooked my first love up with his ex. You know, middle school shit. After I decided we were “better off as friends” (our relationship blossomed after we decided to break up) I really wanted to see him happy, with her. I loved her. Her name was Ashley, and she was just as crazy as me. Jealousy wasn’t as much of an issue because I loved her, and also because I never stopped my relationship with my ex.

It’s fascinating to get in touch with all of the sick and twisted contents in your own mind. Yeah, it’s really fascinating to know all the ways the mind will trick itself; soothe itself, and lie. Thinking about jealousy and all of its implications helps me really look at how I look at the world. Limiting beliefs, please exit stage right.

We are looking for the key to the house that we’re already in. It means that all that we need we are already inside of, and is inside of us. We have the answers. Start asking questions. Or, just get quiet. When I quieted my mind, I found four men in there. An old white man who looked like Santa Claus, a middle aged Indian man who had lived in this house before me, or was considering buying it, a transgender black man/woman, and a 30 something white man who is kind of pessimistic and still lives with his mother. They gave me truths. Looking like an image straight out of the En Vogue video “Free Your Mind,” clad in 6-inch stilettos and all black faux leather, and a feather head piece that reached down the the floor, DIVA, the transgender black man left me with this:

“Oooh honey! It’s good to get out of that box you call your mind.” -DIVA

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Friendship, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Tears for Fears

Ull find ur way… I promise

This was my latest facebook post before writing this article. I don’t know why or for what reason, but for some reason the tears just came. I thought I was happy. I guess I was wrong.

I knew the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s would make me sentimental, especially after people had said it was the story of my life, and that I should read the book. Several signs had pointed to me needing to have watched this movie for a while. Namely, a good friend mentioned it, and then a woman came into the salon wanting the signature French roll. Moon River, the theme song of the movie, has taken me on ride since the first time I ever heard Sarah Vaughan’s version on a jazz cd.

A quarter of the way into the movie, I was in tears. They would stop…and then I was convulsing…muffling my screams wanting to let it out, but afraid someone would hear me and come and ask me what’s wrong. That’s just the thing…I don’t know.

But I think it has something to do with “birthing pains.” I’m becoming a new me, and I’m startled at how swiftly and seamlessly it’s all happening.

My morals and values just aren’t what they used to be.

I always thought I was a good person, but really I’m not, I’m just selfish. And I do what feels good at the time; I do what benefits me and feels good to me.

But at least I’m admitting it, which is more than I can say for the rest of you.

That friend, that same friend who mentioned the movie, I slept with him. He has been in a relationship for 8 years. They even have a baby. And afterwards, we both sat there trying to figure out why we didn’t feel a lick of guilt.

I kissed a married woman and one day, I want to make love to her. I realized I don’t give a damn about whether or not she’s lying to her husband, its me who I care about. Already she has been an incredibly good influence on my life…I think she has that affect on people.

I’ve got to live my life for me, you see.

The scared child inside wonders about my life.

Lol, I remember one time I was unknowingly with a man who had separated from the mother of his child. For 5 months I loved this man, and probably after that too. When I found out he was lying to me though and was planning to buy a house while him and I were still living together, I sent her pictures of him and I kissing to their new apartment (to which he told me the address, or maybe he left some mail out?) and the keys to the apartment him and I shared. I was 20 years old and 7 years later I saw him in the train station. After all we had been through, he said he always remembered me, looked me up on facebook often, and he learned so much from me. He said he especially loved the way I cooked, and his favorite dish…one time I put lemon juice, herbs, and honey on fries.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’ve bared my soul to many…and what is it worth? I cried not because I’m afraid to be who I am and do what I want…but because I’m afraid that I really don’t give a damn that this is the woman I’m becoming.

I was supposed to be manifesting Goddesshood. I guess I better start revolutionizing the definition of what that means for me. Everyone has their cup of tea, and I guess mine just involves public nudity and sleeping with people in “committed” relationships. What is a Goddess? I guess I should come to terms with the fact that change is good, good is God, so God is change.

And what about what others think? Maybe the true definition of freedom is simply not giving a fuck about that.

But then there’s my parents…someone said your parents must be blamed for the waywardness of a child. I wouldn’t want them to be involved in any of the ways I live my life now. They’re from a different time. They’re good church people, who believe in God and pray. They love me, and they did the best they could. I’m so sorry we don’t even believe in the same God anymore…I’m sorry that my ways would eventually disappoint them, but I don’t even think they could begin to understand.

I won’t stop…despite the tears and fears. I feel fiercely determined to defend my right to go on this journey and discover my personal liberation along the way. Now, I’m not that naïve, I’m not like Holly Golightly in this case, thinking that anyone who loves me is trying to trap me. But, I do think that when they do, it’s not really love. I had this conversation with the womb choice…love doesn’t equal ownership. When he spoke of relationships, he disagreed saying there is a sense of belonging to the other person involved. I’m sure if there was anyone I could give up my freedom for, it would be him. I woke up one day completely feeling like I wanted to devote myself to him. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like he was going to give me anything I said I wanted. But, maybe he knows better. Maybe I didn’t want the marriage and kids the way I said I so desperately did… Maybe I just ain’t the marryin’ kind.

They say if you were ready for what you wanted, you would have it. And…I don’t.

But I’m ready for discovery. Connection. Stimulation. Vulnerability…and Truth. I guess these things could be the makings of Goddesshood…

Won’t you continue on this journey with me…to wait around and see?

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Friendship, International Relations, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

Vulnerability=Love-Ability=Being Loveable Pt. 2

It’s OK to cry. Trust me.

What’s my love-ability quotient? Can this be quantified? Can you really measure how well someone can love?

I’m a fan of tooting my own horn and saying how good my lovin is, in more ways than one. But what does this really mean?

I think your capacity to love is somewhat influenced by your ability to be vulnerable, and let all of the layers of guilt, doubt, ego, and shame fall away.

I’ve experienced the truth of this throughout the past couple of months when I proclaimed that I wanted to find true love, or better yet, allow it come to me.

I’m very big on the law of attraction, and it seems that everyone is these days. I think it makes sense that in order for you to find someone real, and connect with them through the layers of their personality and ego to get to the core of them, the Love, you would have to relate to them in a way that is totally authentic. A concept called Progressive Love created by the founders of Jujumama, LLC has been helping me through this process in the past month or so.

The Universe keeps bringing things and people to me who are helping me to fulfill my deepest desires. I’m learning secrets to things that I felt somewhere in my spirit, but I just couldn’t put a name to. I, being in my left brain alot, need to assign names to things and have things make sense in a scientific way, appreciate the language and culture that Jujumama is creating around this topic of “open relating”, which, throughout my life I have been simply calling “Just keepin it real.”

It hurts and it’s scary as hell to be open. But I’ve gotten only good results. I feel that most people are craving for the people in their lives to CONFESS that they love them, miss them, need them, want them around, are sad when they go, feel afraid of losing them, think they aren’t good enough, are carrying pain around from the past that causes them to fuck everything up in the here and now…people want to hear this because it allows them to now be open as well. Creating a safe space for communicating your true fears and desires while not blaming, is something I have learned is so necessary if you want to build a strong foundation for a relationship.

I’ve never been this way before. Remember when I stopped blogging for a few months? If you read my last post you’ll see why. I met someone who is exactly who I need to learn how to be open and just real. He’s wonderful, honest, and supportive. And guess what? We’ve “broken up.” But guess what else? Our “relationship” or simply “how we are with each other” has been more satisfying than when we were “together.” (I’m putting quotes around all of these terms and phrases because I’m asking myself what do they really mean?)

I still want him. I’m going to love him as long as I need to for me to learn the lesson I need from him. I still want to know he’s OK, and I’ll always want him to be  happy, even if it’s NOT with me. I’ve heard that if you love someone you have to let them go. But I have a spin on that: If you love someone you have to let yourself go. Meaning let go of all of those layers of: expectations of how a perfect relationship is supposed to be, (which then puts pressure on yourself and the person you’re relating to), shame about your past, guilt about how you’ve hurt others, doubts about whether or not you’re good enough, and finally fear that nothing is going to work out for your good. Expecting the worst is like a vicious cycle, and we can break it by embodying the type of brokenness that is born of vulnerability.

While I’d like to think that I’m perfect, I know I have a sludge of stuff I need to work through, but I’m meeting people who bring this out of me. I’m grateful for it. I’d say if you could measure my ability to Love right now, it’d be pretty high on the scale. I’m finally getting it: Your life is a reflection of what you expect it to be, and who you love is a reflection of you. If you want someone to drop all facades and be real and from the heart, you’ve got to start with number one.

See the first part of this article here

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Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

You Are Really Effed Up…

…But you’re perfect.

I apologize for not writing for a while. I think I was really caught up in something that we Earthlings like to call…a relationship.

It sounds about as extra-terrestrial as a spaceship now, and to be honest with you, I can’t wait to put all my thoughts down for the day and really sleep so I can float away from this Earth, well at least in my mind. But for now…

Here I am because I think I need to get some things out of my brain and onto this screen. In the past few months I have been dealing with a man whom I felt was perfect for me in every way. In many ways he exhibited the traits that I had always thought I wanted in a man: he was chocolatey, somewhat tall, strong-willed, neat, had honorable goals, a sense of humor, was very affectionate (or I guess just touchy feely), and was open minded when it came to certain sex acts. He could hold his own in a conversation and didn’t activate my rebellious side. (Although I’d have loved to have been spanked more often, but I digress).

I’ve read a lot of books in my day. Many of them have been about relationships. I think this is because in these books I have been trying to find some golden nugget of information that was going to make me understand myself and therefore my relationships much better. All they did was recondition the old conditioning, and lately I have been seeing the fruits of my mental and intentional labor…the relationship ended, he says it’s because he’s not ready, but I say it’s because I always felt it would end anyway because it went against the way I had been conditioned that stable and long lasting relationships start out.

I guess for me to believe that a man will respect you, he has to court you. Spend time, money, sweat, and tears just to get you to agree to spend time with him. Now I admit: When I met this guy, I really didn’t think much of him or the role he might play in my life. I even remember a moment on our first date (which I asked HIM to come to hang out with ME because I had an extra ticket, which breaks a lot of dating expert’s rules, haha) where I looked at him and thought “there’s NO WAY I’m gonna be involved with this guy. I mean, LOOK at him” And lo and behold, here I am, a few months later, and he’s saying HE’S not ready to be with ME. (I know now NEVER  to say never, when it comes to your so called fast held “principles.” Life will ALWAYS come back and bite you in the ass!  Not that NOT being with him was a matter of principle. It’s just that I had never been with a man as animalistic and challenging as him. He had this jungle Mandingo quality, straight out of the Motherland…yet he was wordly and refined and sweet and endearing at the same time. But I really had a moment where I looked at him and said, “No.”) I say all that to say that deep down inside I felt it would collapse from the inside out because we jumped into things way too fast, and I was available way too much.

Even though I wanted to be exclusive so that I could have (guilt-free) sex. I wanted to be “committed” (and we never really discussed what the hell that even meant to each of us) before I had sex. I also knew that at the time, there was no other man I wanted to be with. I couldn’t even see other men, I only had eyes for him.

I learned a lot in the past few months. I tried to take this whirlwind that we were involved in all with a grain of salt but it got so heavy so quickly. It literally felt like an avalanche that I believe we BOTH tried to stop in the beginning, but our feelings just keep rolling on. I remember him STRESSING patience, but then the next time we’d see each other, he was saying he was in love with me. It’s so funny. He seemed so gentle back then, and sweet. I know he still is, he has a good heart, but I’ve seen a darker, meaner, colder side to him since then, and surprisingly it didn’t totally turn me off. Yes, this is the twist. He’s still perfect to me. And so am I. I’ve found myself telling him I’m not perfect. But that’s not true. I’m me, now, and that’s all I can be up to this point. What I have to work with is the future. Because what I’ve realized is: the really EFFED up parts of all of us are still worthy of love.

This blog is about a woman on a quest for love. I thought that I might eventually find it in one person I would meet on a fateful day in September, or something out of a love song like that. But as I progress, I’m realizing that all of these people are here to teach me a lesson about ME! And what’s even more scary and more beautiful, is that they’re all taking me on a journey right back to myself, and that’s exactly where love is. LOVE isn’t out there somewhere…it’s inside.

Let me publish this before I lose my nerve…

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Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

Your Imagination Is Your Worst Enemy

When driving and in relationships, your imagination can sometimes be your worst enemy.

You’re not helping anyone by thinking up bad shit that hasn’t happened, or re-living travesties of the past. This is something that I’m learning with the person I’m currently seeing. It’s funny, because I thought I was past all that negative thinking and doubt, because I who knows that I deserve all things good, would never sabotage a great (sexy, amazing) experience by negative thinking. But it creeps up and rears it’s ugly head when you least expect it.

Unfortunately, the person can end up thinking that it’s about them, but you know that’s not true. Anytime something pops up in your head, and you end up bringing up something not quite desirable that was not incited by any external experience in the relationship, it totally comes from you. And that can lead to a little nasty thing called .projection. It goes something like this

 

You: “Babe, are you having doubts about us?”

Them: “No, where is this coming from?”

You: “Well, I was watching that episode of The Game and-”

Them: “Well that’s not us. Listen, I know I’m not giving you a reason to think that I feel any differently about you. Do you trust me?”

The problem is that you don’t trust the situation or yourself enough to let go, and just Love freely. Allow yourself to feel that good and TRUST that this person is who they say they are! Believe in your choices…you made them for a reason.

Not only that, the best way to soothe your fears and insecurities is to just know that, like a good friend told me, “you deserve too good to be true.”

And it is so.

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Dating, Friendship, Life, Relationships

Vulnerability=Love-Ability=Being Loveable Pt. 1 (Vulnerability)

What do Meryl Streep, Margaret Thatcher, Michelle Williams, and Marilyn Monroe all have in common?

They’re all power hungry baaddd bitches that inspired me to really open up my heart and pour every good and bad thing that was in it out. Well actually, since this blog is a real chronicle of my life, this post is just a continuation of the one of my previous posts, so I can’t give them all the credit. To add to that, in the past few weeks, I had some people, I guess I could call them friends, open up to me and kind of melt away that scar tissue that had formed on my soul from all that I had been through in the past, and the expectations that set me up for so much more dissapointment. So I definitely have them to thank as well.

In the past 2 years I have learned a lot about people being your mirror, attracting every situation that comes into my life, and how to get more of what I want out of life. I also revisited some old Rules in order to insure that I would weed out anyone who wasn’t absolutely serious about having a real relationship with me; real love.

Well you know what? FUCK the Rules!

Someone like me who is already hard to please, very traditional, and hard on the outside at times (but soft in the middle I assure you) doesn’t need The Rules! What I needed is this book, a book that really tells you how to let your ego go, and I always always must give props to my YouTube gurus out there, namely Abraham-Hicks. Even though my spiritual foundation started in Christianity, the teachings of Jesus, and the wisdom of the Bible, I, like the Universe, am always expanding.

Now I can honestly say that I have used the truths that I’ve learned from friends, admirers, and former friends with no benefits, wisdom seekers, Facebookers, my sisters, and my parents (who’ve been married for over 30 years and are still so cute together) to confront myself and realized that I was being my own worst enemy when it came to the thing I wanted most: Love.

All of the women  in my real life and the women who starred in two particular movies are now special to me (well, Marilyn Monroe has been special to me ever since high school, watching E! True Hollywood Story and I’ve channeling a bit of her and Dorothy Dandridge every once in  a while, ever since.) because in Meryl Streep’s performance in The Iron Lady, her portrayal of Margeret Thatcher in her prime was moving, fiery, and made me want to run the world. Michelle Williams in My Week with Marilyn was all consuming and all to true to all I had previously thought I knew about the superstar, and both actresses were heartbreaking. What made it so was their vulnerabilty, as actresses and that carried over into the characters they played. They gave it all up because they had nothing to lose, and it made you want to love them. (More so with Marilyn because she’s hot, but watching Meryl Streep looking that age did make me want to call my grandmother.)

Tonight was just broken hearts all over the place. After seeing these two movies (of course I “snuck in” to watch the 2nd one) I walked into the men’s bathroom like it meant nothing, and then I went to a bar, had a glass of plum wine and cried my eyes out. But I also reached out. I called someone whom I hadn’t been very nice to recently and told them they could call me any tiime if they needed to talk. They were going through a rough time, so they were very appreciative. So was I. Just to know that I could be there for someone and refrain from making it about me, that felt good. But if doing good didn’t feel good, none of us would do it, so we’re all just selfish bastards anyway, or at least we should be. But I digress. I also gave it all up, broke every rule in the book, and I called my ex…

And it was the best rule I ever broke in my life, because I got to express myself, and hear several words of love that I had not heard in years. It felt good to be cared about, to be told I’ll always have a place in someone’s heart. Besides, years ago I bought a pin that had a quote “Well behaved women rarely make history.” Apparently it was the words of the late Marilyn Monroe. And I don’t just want to make history, in my little world, I already have.

From my Facebook Album "Sometimes Pain Can Be Beautiful."

Stay tuned for Part 2…(Working on the Love-Ability part LOL…)

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Dating, Friendship, Life, Relationships, Sex

Stuff Single Girls DON’T Say

1. “I talk a good game but deep down inside I’m full of insecurities about why I’m single.”

If I’m real with myself I can say that I have a load of reasons why I’m single. It’s true! I know that on the outside, I’m stunning. I know that I’ve got a great personality, and quirks that are endearing. But I also know that I have a dark side. A side to me that can be very cold and cruel. I can be extremely nurturing, sexy, giving, emotive, give you best meal and p****y that you ever had in one night and look good doing it. And I can even make your parents think I’m a good girl even with this filthy mouth, lol. (Mine always fall for it.) But somehow I feel that that’s not good enough. Because if I really sat down and told you the string of bad luck (or bad choices, as an enlightened person would say) I’ve had with relationships, you would wonder, maybe as much as I do, what is wrong with this picture?

Wait. I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Firstly I’m not clear on how I wanna do this post. Should I actually list what single girls are really feeling but are afraid to admit? Or should I just write? All I know is that I wanna come from the heart on this one. But then, when do I ever not?

This weekend has been enormous in terms of friendships and confessions. I felt the need to kick someone out of my life, because they just didn’t get that I don’t trust them after what they pulled here. We just didn’t share the same values when it comes to courtesy, respect, and common sense. They kept persisting and grew irate when I wanted to put boundaries on the friendship so finally I just blocked his number.

Then, I reconnected with a friend who actually told me that for years he had a strong sexual attraction to me, and said that’s why he DIDN’T really want to come over, chill alone, etc. Even though he could have totally taken advantage of the situation, even could have led me on if he wanted to he chose to exercise some self control. I used to have a huge crush on him a few years ago, so that coupled with my recent desire to have intimacy, fall in love, and be all cuddly, and just plain horniness, I would have been easily led I’m sure. I respected the fact that he didn’t see an opportunity for sex and just jump on it. That to me is a trait of a responsible human, a real man. In addition to that, the fact that he told me  that when he didn’t have to  is the character of a real friend.

It made me raise the bar, and that’s when I told my other “friend” who was so selfish that he couldn’t see past the tip of his d***, to kick rocks.

I had another situation where I got a text saying “Are we friends?” from someone who just a few weeks ago I invited to happy hour and he all he responded was “Nah I got plans.” He’s usually not that short. I brushed it off though.

He continued, “If we’re friends I need to be real with you.”

Wow. This type of thing seemed to be happening all too frequently in the past few days.

He confessed, “You hurt my feelings and now I don’t even know what to say to you.”

me crying

I'm hard on the outside but soft in the center.

I don’t know what it was but I think I’ve learned to not try to figure out things over a text message, and just wait until they can explain it fully over the phone or in person. I repeat: never try to “text” an important conversation. When we got a chance to speak I realized that there were things that I had done that were probably a result of some way deeper issues that I had with this person, and with myself.

And it let me to blog this right now, because I think I was still hurt by the bittersweet words this person said to me after I inquired about the “definition” of our relationship. (We had sex a few times, expressed our feelings, you get the picture.)

His words, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but if I were, you’d be someone that I’d want to be with.”

Through drunken tears I silently made the decision that any affection I had given him, friendly or more than friendly, had to end immediately. I swore I wasn’t gonna make the mistake again of giving it up with no guarantees.

I definitely did again. But then you read my blog so you know that.

The point, is hurt people hurt people. Sometimes without even realizing it. And I can’t tell you how happy, touched, and even honored I was that this man would confess to me that something I did hurt his feelings. I didn’t have to chase him down, I didn’t have to wait 3 months of just not hearing from him, like I have to do with even some of my girlfriends (see my last post Dumping Friends.) True, I didn’t know there was a problem, and he didn’t have to tell me, and so I commend that. Besides, it shows that he cares, and I’ve made that mistake before of cutting people off without telling them why. It sucked when they pointedly told me me how immature that was. I make it a point not to do it again, I still slip sometimes, but I’m gettin’ better at being open and honest. And my testimony to all this?

I have only ever gotten the BEST results when I’ve kept it 100% real. Vulnerabilities and all.

This is what this single girl never says, and that’s this: I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll be alone for a really long time. I’m a little bit nervous that someone won’t recognize all of the wonderful things that my friends see in me; that I recognize in myself. I sometimes think that I’ll end up rich, fabulous, and alone, still not having had any children at  33 (when I planned to be knocked up by 29) and continuing to make all the same mistakes that I thought I learned from in my 20’s. You know, sometimes I only want my ex back not just because he was a great guy, but because maybe he was the only one who was foolish enough to love me. I know that when we broke up he said “Maybe you’ll find someone better than me,” while I cried 2 feet away from him, but sometimes I wonder if that’s even possible. And what I’m really scared of is that what I’ve convinced myself of is really the truth, is that whenever a man tells me something from his heart, he’s angling for something. And when a guys says he’s not ready to be with me, it means that no one will ever be.

Sigh. So that’s it.

You know, as I type this, an episode of Girlfriends is on where Ellis tells Joan “You’re so afraid of not having what Toni has (a wedding, husband) that you’re sabotaging us.”  I can’t totally relate to Joan. I know I’ll have a “happy ending” I’m just trying to figure out how the beginning and middle is gonna work out.

Funny how the Universe will bring us confirmation in the weirdest of ways.

So as of today, no more fear about the future. And no more thinking that when a guy stands me up, that it’s about me. No seriously, all that New Age crap about everything in your life is a reflection of you doesn’t necessarily mean that I deserve that shit. As they say in Singlegirldom, “His loss. Next!

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