Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Celibacy, Jealousy, and The Most Important Relationship of All

headshot-october-2016

Sometimes I feel like I want a “relationship,” sometimes I don’t.

The truth is, I don’t ever want to be in relationship and yet, I am always IN relationship. (I left out the “s” on purpose. Relationship is a state of mind, a state of being.) The question is how I choose to show up.

As I’ve been thinking about becoming celibate, there’s the question of intimacy and sexuality.

I want to feel close to someone at various times. Who wouldn’t want connection? Who wouldn’t want to feel fun and abandon in one’s body? The question is, what will I choose to attach that idea of intimacy to in my mind? What meaning will I give it? Am I able to feel the fullness of sexuality and sensuality and intimacy in my life as a woman and refrain of actual sex?

I have realized that whatever I put as a condition for someone else is what I hold myself to.

I also think about my bouts with jealousy and possession that I’ve been prone in the past. When I imprison someone with jealousy and expectations, that has to come through me first in order to get to them. I’m no longer willing to subject myself to that first, mainly because it sucks for me.

I’m selfish like that.
If I choose to be exclusive with someone and I’m also celibate, by default they must be celibate too.

Am I willing to subject someone to that?  Are there men out there willing to share that journey with me? Do I want or need them to?

I care more about what I want now, more than ever. And it feels damn good.
I’m already entangled in relationships of various styles, connections of various levels. None really have strings attached as I learn to “manage my expectations.” It’s a fun ride letting go.

I’m probably deceiving myself when I say “I don’t know if I want a relationship.”

What I’m really saying is “I  don’t know if I’m willing to take someone with me on this very self-centered journey of self-love and development. I don’t want to own you because I’m not going to let you own me. I’m quite good right now.”

When I decide to commit to someone, they’ll have to take a second seat to who I’m already dating…the woman I am.
That’s the most important relationship of all.


					
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and Relationships, Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

My Own Jealousy Turns Me On. WTF?

That time I simultaneously felt jealousy and a sweet tingling in my pussy…WTF?

How could this be? How could I be turned on by a thought that scares me?

I used to punish myself and turn myself on with thoughts of my lover having sex with someone else. This is the first time I realized jealousy could be a tool. The fantasy would be him taking her in the bedroom while I sat outside of the room and cried. But yet, I was able to have some pretty good orgasms with this line of thought.

The man I’m seeing has a ton of female “friends.” Talldrankawater that he is I assume that every woman in his life who poses as a mere friend wants to sleep with him. Just like I assume that the men in my life want to sleep with me, talldrankawater that I am. Slight to severe jealousy is present into that current situation. I got rid of it for a while by wishing it away. But it came back.

I do a lot of projecting. Like all those times I assumed that all of my various boyfriends would love my best friend, and fall in love with her if they met her. I made sure they knew all of her great qualities and would have us all hang out. Of course, until I met the new guy through her. Then when I looked at the situation I realized that he had never given me any indication that he liked as anything more than a friend. No, really it was me who was harboring those feelings and couldn’t own them enough to own them. (I realize I repeated myself but that’s the best way I can explain it.)

Every woman I think is beautiful I immediately transfer those feelings to the man I’m seeing at the moment. Now, logic would tell you, since none of the men I have seen have really been like any of my friend’s boyfriends, and her are equally beautiful and intelligent yet not really alike. So why would I automatically assume that they would like her so much? Is it because I couldn’t really believe that they would truly appreciate me? Do they have to choose? Do I appreciate myself?

Learning to. Loving the journey.

None of them really seemed that interested in how they might feel about her, but they were very interested in how I felt. And I’m sure some even wondered why the hell I was doing this? Why was I so insistent on him meeting my friends? I still don’t know the answer to this question…I remember I hooked my first love up with his ex. You know, middle school shit. After I decided we were “better off as friends” (our relationship blossomed after we decided to break up) I really wanted to see him happy, with her. I loved her. Her name was Ashley, and she was just as crazy as me. Jealousy wasn’t as much of an issue because I loved her, and also because I never stopped my relationship with my ex.

It’s fascinating to get in touch with all of the sick and twisted contents in your own mind. Yeah, it’s really fascinating to know all the ways the mind will trick itself; soothe itself, and lie. Thinking about jealousy and all of its implications helps me really look at how I look at the world. Limiting beliefs, please exit stage right.

We are looking for the key to the house that we’re already in. It means that all that we need we are already inside of, and is inside of us. We have the answers. Start asking questions. Or, just get quiet. When I quieted my mind, I found four men in there. An old white man who looked like Santa Claus, a middle aged Indian man who had lived in this house before me, or was considering buying it, a transgender black man/woman, and a 30 something white man who is kind of pessimistic and still lives with his mother. They gave me truths. Looking like an image straight out of the En Vogue video “Free Your Mind,” clad in 6-inch stilettos and all black faux leather, and a feather head piece that reached down the the floor, DIVA, the transgender black man left me with this:

“Oooh honey! It’s good to get out of that box you call your mind.” -DIVA

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Life, Nature, Personal Liberation, Sex, Sprituality

10 Ways to Relax Your Pussy

“Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.” We’ve all heard that quote before, right? I used to respond to inane questions with a pretty irate response.

Now, I just don’t answer questions I don’t want to, or I patiently respond, with love.

Of course I slip up sometimes,  but as I mentioned to a friend, who noticed I sounded more “confident and relaxed” lately over the phone…

I told him the reason for my new and refreshed demeanorme laughing: “My pussy is more relaxed.”

Here’s 10 reasons why:

  1. because over this summer i made it a point to be more submissive and relaxed in my relationship
  2. i focused on pleasing another for the sake of pleasing
  3. i spent time in nature, grounding, crying…smoking
  4. i laughed and loved, and never took those moments for granted
  5. i explained my point of view or my feelings, and listened to others, becoming more vulnerable than I’ve ever been
  6. i went to the 7th circle of hell from pain and back in surrender (even coiling in my bed grunting like a wild wolf) and reconnected with my cycle, to get to know my womb and blood
  7. i went home to utah to see family I haven’t seen in 20 years
  8. i trusted that i’d be ok no matter what
  9. i utitlized my creativity to bring resources to myself
  10. i made it a point to hear my ancestor’s voices, telling me they would never let anything happen to me

I did a LOT of inner and outer work to relax my pussy. And it feels so damn good. You can do it to.

Ashe!

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Culture, Friendship, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex

Becoming Fearless

I’ve been through too much now to think that bumps in the road mean the end my journey.

As I get older and go through more contrasting experiences, I realize that what I once blew out of proportion I just can’t anymore. Like, I literally don’t have the same fears of cataclysmic disaster and destruction that I used to before. I guess I’m being weathered, otherwise known as growing up.

I hope I never lose my enthusiasm though. I remember the puzzled look that must have been on my face when someone, usually a man, would tell me, “I don’t get excited about things anymore.” That sounds to me more like depression. But I was doubly intrigued when one would tell me “It takes a lot for me to get angry.” I want to be in that space.

Right now I’m at the point where I am seeing that there is always more to my journey, and I am no longer afraid that one set back or dissapointment is the end of the world. In this way, I am becoming fearless.

I used to want so much more from people than they were willing to share. Now I’ve connected with people who wanna give me their all as much as I bare my soul to them. It’s no longer about CONTROLLING these people or convincing them to give me more than they want in the types of ways I see fit, it’s about me accepting whatever love they can give at the time. Many would call that accepting scraps…I call it going with the flow. I’m never without love. And the more I tell myself the lie that I am, just because I may be feeling lonely, neglected, hurt, or abandoned is like a slap in the face to God.

So, do I ever have to fear being alone because one person wants to leave me or change the nature of the relationship and throw me off to the wayside as if there was never any connection there? No.  I really can’t afford to fear, because I have a feeling I’m being prepared for something great, even if that greatness is simply the rest of my life.

Someone once told me that I have the intense power to build and destroy, that I’m a major contradiction. I didn’t deny it. They also said they too have that same power and that instead of using their destructive power on people, they would rather use it to destroy systems.  I  guess our relationship was a system they wanted to destroy.

Nonetheless, I’m OK. I cried a little longer than I wanted to, but I didn’t reject support when it came. I leaned on it and used it to stand up straight again.  I’m in the presence of people near and far who love me and want to see me do well. I’m more than just a big ole’ contradiction and a flower petal that goes where the wind blows, I’m a person who consistently wants Love.

And I know the Love is there. When I took a shower I opened my heart to the water and imagined all the Love from the Universe pouring into me, and all of the negativity of the day washing off.

Opening my heart to all the Love in the Universe.

Opening my heart to all the Love in the Universe.

I stepped out of the tub and was naked, vulnerable, and open…and felt what it must feel like to be a fearless woman.  So fearless that I’ve already forgiven myself and him, because I know God is looking out for me and Love is there to cushion the blow of any pain, any loss, any hurt, any ending. I can’t say I wanted it or could even imagine it this way, but I can truly say that I have no fear of the future. My life is a gift and I’m open to the journey.

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Culture, Dating, Life, Relationships

Husbands and Wives

“Husband.” “Wife.” Those words just sound so big, don’t they? They just seem to carry so much weight with them.

Recent experiences (one bad date, one great date, and two engagements of people close to me) cause me to think even deeper than before about what the words “husband,” “wife,” “love,” and “marriage” really mean.

I know that in the past, marriages were arranged and were seen as business transactions, and still many are today. (I know I wouldn’t marry anyone who’s broke.) I don’t see anything wrong with marrying for security. But when did marriage turn into being about something that I have been on a quest for since I realized that I was oh so deserving (or at least since I started this blog): Love?

As I was sitting and having dinner with a friend, I began to muse about being one of those beautiful women who was torn between marrying a man for security and being with the true love of her life. Oh, the drama! I pictured myself being meek and mild with the man who did nothing for me between my legs, but who was all right on paper, while he fell deeper and deeper in love with me. And then, running and telling the other one who made me misty in all the right places that all I could do is think of him while I was pretending to listen to my husband who I’m not in love with at dinner. How sneaky. How sexy! How freaky would that be! I even imagined telling the true love that “we could leave today!” Planning my escape love affair with a man who didn’t exist, cheating on a man who I wasn’t even married to!

Just goes to show you that a girl like me has a LOT going in her mind, and needs an outlet for it, and sometimes that causes me to live vicariously through myself. If that’s possible. This fantasy scenario begs the question: Could I marry for anything other than true, drive-you-crazy-to-the-point-of-dancing-in-the-street love? And, if I could, could I be happy? Or would I always long for that man who made me laugh, made me believe that settling for less is like settling for loss, loss of the true essence and purpose of life: A soul connection like no other with another human being…

Women are so powerful now, on paper, making paper. We really don’t need a man to do for us, and we can even do what we love and get paid. At the tender age of 27, I see no reason to lose hope now. I can have it all. And I will. Trust me, when I fall in love, you’ll know. And I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m putting my attention towards things that make me happy. I’ve seen too many people in my life marry their soulmates, and others who made due because it was quite convenient at the time. My resolve is as hard as steel, and I’ll be damned if I settle. But at the same time being alone can be a bitch. Still I can’t help but think I that if I did break down one day, and marry someone I only liked, simply because HE loved ME, and he had money and was nice, blah blah blah…I know I would always have in the back of mind: Is there something better out there for me? Freedom…and TRUE LOVE?

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Dating, Friendship, Life, Relationships

Vulnerability=Love-Ability=Being Loveable Pt. 1 (Vulnerability)

What do Meryl Streep, Margaret Thatcher, Michelle Williams, and Marilyn Monroe all have in common?

They’re all power hungry baaddd bitches that inspired me to really open up my heart and pour every good and bad thing that was in it out. Well actually, since this blog is a real chronicle of my life, this post is just a continuation of the one of my previous posts, so I can’t give them all the credit. To add to that, in the past few weeks, I had some people, I guess I could call them friends, open up to me and kind of melt away that scar tissue that had formed on my soul from all that I had been through in the past, and the expectations that set me up for so much more dissapointment. So I definitely have them to thank as well.

In the past 2 years I have learned a lot about people being your mirror, attracting every situation that comes into my life, and how to get more of what I want out of life. I also revisited some old Rules in order to insure that I would weed out anyone who wasn’t absolutely serious about having a real relationship with me; real love.

Well you know what? FUCK the Rules!

Someone like me who is already hard to please, very traditional, and hard on the outside at times (but soft in the middle I assure you) doesn’t need The Rules! What I needed is this book, a book that really tells you how to let your ego go, and I always always must give props to my YouTube gurus out there, namely Abraham-Hicks. Even though my spiritual foundation started in Christianity, the teachings of Jesus, and the wisdom of the Bible, I, like the Universe, am always expanding.

Now I can honestly say that I have used the truths that I’ve learned from friends, admirers, and former friends with no benefits, wisdom seekers, Facebookers, my sisters, and my parents (who’ve been married for over 30 years and are still so cute together) to confront myself and realized that I was being my own worst enemy when it came to the thing I wanted most: Love.

All of the women  in my real life and the women who starred in two particular movies are now special to me (well, Marilyn Monroe has been special to me ever since high school, watching E! True Hollywood Story and I’ve channeling a bit of her and Dorothy Dandridge every once in  a while, ever since.) because in Meryl Streep’s performance in The Iron Lady, her portrayal of Margeret Thatcher in her prime was moving, fiery, and made me want to run the world. Michelle Williams in My Week with Marilyn was all consuming and all to true to all I had previously thought I knew about the superstar, and both actresses were heartbreaking. What made it so was their vulnerabilty, as actresses and that carried over into the characters they played. They gave it all up because they had nothing to lose, and it made you want to love them. (More so with Marilyn because she’s hot, but watching Meryl Streep looking that age did make me want to call my grandmother.)

Tonight was just broken hearts all over the place. After seeing these two movies (of course I “snuck in” to watch the 2nd one) I walked into the men’s bathroom like it meant nothing, and then I went to a bar, had a glass of plum wine and cried my eyes out. But I also reached out. I called someone whom I hadn’t been very nice to recently and told them they could call me any tiime if they needed to talk. They were going through a rough time, so they were very appreciative. So was I. Just to know that I could be there for someone and refrain from making it about me, that felt good. But if doing good didn’t feel good, none of us would do it, so we’re all just selfish bastards anyway, or at least we should be. But I digress. I also gave it all up, broke every rule in the book, and I called my ex…

And it was the best rule I ever broke in my life, because I got to express myself, and hear several words of love that I had not heard in years. It felt good to be cared about, to be told I’ll always have a place in someone’s heart. Besides, years ago I bought a pin that had a quote “Well behaved women rarely make history.” Apparently it was the words of the late Marilyn Monroe. And I don’t just want to make history, in my little world, I already have.

From my Facebook Album "Sometimes Pain Can Be Beautiful."

Stay tuned for Part 2…(Working on the Love-Ability part LOL…)

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Culture, Dating, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

Losses and Losers: Giving Up On Love

A girl can only be so positive all of the time. I listen to my online YouTube gurus just like the next technology addicted New Age person but a long hard look at things can sometimes bring everything into perspective. Yes, everything is still hunky dory, but I’m a little bit discouraged.

My dating life has been shit for the past two years. I don’t really count the first year that I’ve been single, because I wasn’t focused on dating. I had taken a vow of celibacy and it was really good for me. In fact it lasted longer than a year. And it ended on one of the best nights of my life. I think that’s when my life took a turn for the better for the most part, despite the string of losses and losers that I encountered because of my impatience, my failure to see what was in front of me, and my refusal to take things slowly. I have to admit it: I rush into things, and I dive into relationships head first. In the past year, there were three times where I SWORE I was in love.

This post was sitting for a couple of days before I decided to actually finish it. I don’t call that procrastination, I call that waiting until I’m ready before putting my heart into something. And that’s the lesson that I’m supposed to be learning about right? I actually learned from the losses that I can’t bring my expectations to the relationship and get mad when things don’t pan out the way I think they should. I damn sure can walk away though. I also learned to take my time, and this is a big one: no sex before monogamy! I learned that a friend can’t be a boyfriend just because of sex. I also learned that guy friends don’t get to come over and “chill.” Well, not ones I like, and some of them just don’t know how to act once they get some.

From the losers  I learned something equally if not more important. I don’t know what’s active in my vibration, but in the past few months I’ve either attracted stalker types, or people who are flaky as hell: like asking me out and forgetting, asking me out and then I never hear from them again. Yeah, whack as hell. Losers. But hear me on this: I would rather die than settle for less than I know I deserve: honesty, respect, affection, love, quality time, and just a quality person- period. Why would I need to? I got porn, I got vibrators, I’ll get a stack of reality show DVD’s and a dog, and I’ll be alone. I’ll be damned if I settle. I’d rather give up on love.

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Life, Relationships

A New Year Revolution: New Year, New Woman

I recently celebrated a birthday on December 26th. Having a birthday so close to the new year really got me to thinking: Turning 27 means you’re almost 30. …So that means that you can’t act like a kid anymore right? Or even like a naive 21. So in honor of my past birthday, and New Year’s Day, I have come up with a list of 27 things that I no longer feel I should do in order to become a fully responsible adult by 30. Except, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I like to think of this as a New Year Revolution. Enjoy!

New Year's Revolution Image

My New Year's Revolution was, in fact, televised. Click on the pic!

    1. Get super drunk anymore to the point of throwing up. (It’s what the frat boys called getting “shit-faced.”)
    2. Ask anyone “Do I look OK in this?” anymore. I think by now I should know what looks good on me and what doesn’t. (And this way I can cut down on all the unnecessary criticism of anotherwise decent outfit.)
    3. Try to wish my bills away.
    4. Pretend like I’m really going to get swept off my feet by some rich dude who is going to make all my problems go away. The white knight doesn’t exist. And neither does Black, Latino, or Indian one.
    5. Getting excited over celebrity crushes. Really now, they’re just people like the rest of us, right?
    6. Giving so much of a damn about what my parents (father) think about my life choices. They don’t own me.
    7. Procrastinate about a career. I should settle into something stable. Journalism seems to be working for now.
    8. Wear stupid jeans that don’t fit right. Then I wouldn’t have to do #3.
    9. Accept less than the best. I’m a thrifter, and recently I went to a Goodwill where there were crushed up Ritz crackers on the dressing room floor. I took my dresses in and tried them on without knowing they were there until I felt the grit stuck to the bottom of my socks. It was disgusting. And beneath me. Yeah I said it. I’ve got to be willing to pay more. After all it’s the sacred wardrobe we’re talking about here. And I’m worth it.
    10. NOT have my own stuff. I just bought a laptop for myself. I didn’t care that I “couldn’t afford it.” I just got tired of using other people’s stuff.
    11. Never doubt myself anymore. There’s just no reason to, especially when so many of the things I feel I should have accomplished by now, I have. It’s really hard to come up with one more, let alone the rest of the 27!
    12. I gotta stop wasting time. It happens when I don’t follow #10. The I have to stop, re-evaluate why I got something with crappy value, whether it be a person or a dress, and I have to spend twice the amount of time working out that situation. It’s a learning experience, sure, but how many times do you have to make the same mistake before moving on?
    13. (Speaking of moving on) Still want to get back with my ex.
    14. Posting pictures of celebrities on my walls. My real walls, not Facebook. After MJ, that’s it. Only art from now on.
    15. Complaining about any aspect of my life whatsoever. We got the Law of Attraction, and Jesus. With all of the help out there, there’s no excuse for not changing my life if I’m not happy with it.
    16. Not realize that’s not everyone else, it really is me. That goes for the good, but also for the bad. It’s called taking responsibility for my life. No one can really affect my reality. It’s all about how I choose to handle it; my perception.
    17. Hold my idols up on a pedestal to the point where I don’t realize they’re human, and that they make mistakes. That way I don’t put any undue pressure on them to fulfill my expectations.
    18. Going back to old standby’s just because it’s comfortable. That goes for old habits and even hold hairstyles. It’s time for me to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. It’s a part of growth.
    19. Emotional eating, and pigging out on take-out in general. That means scarfing down starches when I’m feeling a little depressed, or ordering take-out just because I’m too lazy to cook. Laziness and boredom go hand in hand, and boredom can be an emotion, right?
    20. Irregularity. I mean, if I haven’t mastered by fiber intake by now, then I really need to visit a specialist. (Adopting a vegan diet didn’t work. Not even a vegetarian one did. It seems I eat every kind of flesh food except chicken.)
    21. Rare and random jealousy for people who have something I want. I love that saying “What God has for me is for me.” I know I’m going to get everything I need and want, and more.
    22. Judging other’s choices! From celebrities all the way to my friends and who they date or what the next chick is wearing at the party. Who cares? It’s really all about me anyway.
    23. Beating up on myself for not volunteering more. I mean, I give when I can in so many ways, it’s not just about working for free at a non-profit organization. A kind word of encouragement to someone on the street can go farther than serving someone a paper bag lunch. (Even though I know volunteers do way more than for the orgs that they serve.)
    24.  Not exercising. I got the dvds, I got the access to exercise classes, I have every resource needed to NOT gain any more weight. So it’s time I made that commitment and stopped playin’.
    25. Trying too hard. I don’t care what you think, I don’t need to be everybody’s friend, and I certainly don’t need to preserve anybody’s feelings by not telling them that our relationship is just not working out. I’m going to keep it real. I need to put my needs first.
    26.  Holding on to things I don’t need anymore. That includes people.
    27. Making 27 promises to myself and while knowing good and damn well that I’ll probably only keep 5 of them! Oh well, it happens. Happy New Year!

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