Pursuing happiness in your mid 30's while having ADHD
ADHD, Life, Mental Health, Personal Liberation

The Pursuit of Happyness


Pursuing happiness in your mid 30's while having ADHD

Pursuing happiness in your mid 30’s while having ADHD. Photo by Filipe de Rodrigues, modified by me

(Yeah, I know, there’s no “Y” in Happiness.)

But there is a “Why.”

Like, “Why am I here?” Sometimes I feel so sure, and clear, about my life’s purpose, and other times, I just feel…lost.

Wrote a song about it, one that no one’s heard.

That seems to be a recurrent theme: Writing, creating, blogging, vlogging, all these amazing ideas that no one’s seen or heard.

I’m trying though, I promise, I really am. I’ve studied every marketing course, it seems. I mean the idea of applying it all, even trying to keep up with the constant stream of ideas I have, is overwhelming. It’s a common trait of ADHD. I’ve got about 49 folders to keep track of it all. I’m constantly taking notes. It just…doesn’t seem to be adding up to anything right now.

I’m usually the most positive person I know.

I mean as a Capricorn, I have enjoyed long periods of time of being mean, cynical, sarcastic, and just a straight-up bitch. (Being a Capricorn means it was fun for me).

But I’ve been working on myself in recent years. (I want to be happy). I’ve really applied the principals of The Law of Attraction, adding value, and just overall thinking positively.

But…I’ve let fear defeat me several times. Even today. Still crying about it. Here’s why…

I’ve been needing some steady streams of income for a while. To be fully transparent, I’m 35, have been living with my parents for a total of about 3-4 years, (with stints in Charlotte and New York in between) and my period is currently 15 days late.

Probably due to stress.

I learned from my previous therapist to go ahead and plan for the year. So I made getting full-time employment that I love, with good pay, my first-quarter goal. Today is March 31st. I haven’t had much luck with the job search – ok, I applied to a few jobs and my resume didn’t feel like it was working, and I’ve had a few interviews for one role with a nonprofit. I didn’t want to feel like a fool come April. Plus, I’d rewritten my own resume so many times…

So, I hired someone. I hired a career coach with the money that I made from a client, and she wrote me two SEO friendly resumes that really spoke to my skills, and a new LinkedIn profile.  I’m currently keeping a spreadsheet of the 60 or so jobs she recommends applying for each week. (I’m hitting like 2 or 3 applications a day, the goal is 10). But I overthink the details of the cover letter (it’s what makes me a good copywriter) and sometimes get distracted by other things, so it can take me an hour, even two to get through one application.

And for these applications to simply disappear into the abyss, with no response, just feels…disconcerting at best, defeating to say the least. I had escaped that for a while by starting my business. But it wasn’t as successful as I initially envisioned.

The professionally-written resume should help with that feeling, but for now, it’s 11:36PM, and I’m writing a blog post about how bad I feel.

Now, my personal belief system tells me not to dwell on what makes me feel bad. And as I write this I feel better. But from around 11:00PM, I just needed to dwell…

…On all the work it took for me to work job after job after job where I was unappreciated, underutilized as a creative mind, just simply, discarded…

And let’s not forget underpaid…

Since I was 15 years old.

15!

So I don’t feel bad about not taking a job I hate now. I paid my dues. (A term I despise and would never make anyone else do just because I thought I had to.) But…

…35.

You know I still have people asking me “What do you want to do with your life?”

I DON’T KNOW! MAYBE ALL THE THINGS I TRIED TO DO BUT FAILED AT! Maybe all the things I’m naturally good at, but there just doesn’t seem to be a place, for me at least, to get paid a living wage? There’s no blueprint for being a creative. There’s no blueprint for this shit.

And even when I did have jobs, I found myself wanting to be free from them. I’ve always had a really interesting relationship with work. I think I’ve always undersold my abilities and the impact I can make on people.

I know my priorities haven’t always been in the right place.

I have virtually no income, no savings, no 401k. No emergency plan, and no back stash of toilet paper. I know many Millenials can relate. I have probably wasted money on stupid things, but I have nothing to show for it (except pictures). I just know that many people have relied on me when they’re feeling just as down as I’m feeling right now. And right now, this blog is my soundboard. I hope you feel me.

I’m usually hopeful for the future. I still am. I just needed this. I needed this good cry. I needed this moment to ask “Why?” Why does my pursuit of happiness, and the self-actualization that lies therein, seem to be so elusive for me right now? How long will this struggle last?

I’m signing out. I wanna get this out before midnight, so I can say that I did something productive today.

If you’ve ever felt lost, disenfranchised, or wondered how long it will take before you start being appreciated for what you bring to the world..and getting PAID for it…(or if you simply just want a place of your own…) This is for you. Things’ll look up.

Love,

Star

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Friendship, Life, Relationships

Dumping Friends

best fuckin' friends

Maybe not.

Sometimes you gotta do it. You have to rid some people from your life. And I mean more than just erasing their number from your phone. Or changing it without telling them. I mean really just deciding that you’re not gonna wait around for them to decide that you’re worthy to be in their life. It’s a good thing, trust me. Often times, you may not even know that you’ve been dumped. Your friend may just stop calling altogether. What I haven’t been able to really put my finger on is how you know if the subtle drifting apart is just a natural occurence (you know, due to schedules, etc.) or if it really means that the person is dumping you.

You see, I’m a friend. And I’ve dumped friends. I’ve also been dumped. And it’s not a nice feeling.

I feel I’ve been dumped most recently from a friend who has literally disappeared for maybe the 2nd or 3rd time since I’ve known her. I mean, it was just weird. She was like really present, all my other friends knew her. We were partying together, helping each other through shit, supporting each other all the way. Then, out of nowhere, SHE was nowhere! A mutual friend said “I think she changed her number.” The about a week later I got a text from her saying “This is my new number…” I was like dayum. Thanks for lettin me know. Then she’s like “Ok, gotta go! Talk to you later!”

I haven’t heard from her since.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I felt I had done enough. I actually hit her up during the whole hiatus and asked her was she ok. For some reason, I felt like I was always the one to reach out whenever we lost touch. Oh yeah, because I was the one reaching out first everytime we lost touch. I got tired of the shit. I told her it was weird and unfair that she does that.

Related FB Post: Really can’t take shit personally, I’m realizing people wanna do their own thing. Why can’t we say so? Why are we so afraid of hurting one another’s feelings…when something doesn’t quite ring true it’s time to understand that some relationships are just meant to ebb and flow, or maybe web and flow…(won’t go past the web.) But that’s cool…wait! I should be blogging this…

And the saga continues…LOL. Hope you enjoyed.

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Life, Relationships

A New Year Revolution: New Year, New Woman

I recently celebrated a birthday on December 26th. Having a birthday so close to the new year really got me to thinking: Turning 27 means you’re almost 30. …So that means that you can’t act like a kid anymore right? Or even like a naive 21. So in honor of my past birthday, and New Year’s Day, I have come up with a list of 27 things that I no longer feel I should do in order to become a fully responsible adult by 30. Except, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I like to think of this as a New Year Revolution. Enjoy!

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My New Year's Revolution was, in fact, televised. Click on the pic!

    1. Get super drunk anymore to the point of throwing up. (It’s what the frat boys called getting “shit-faced.”)
    2. Ask anyone “Do I look OK in this?” anymore. I think by now I should know what looks good on me and what doesn’t. (And this way I can cut down on all the unnecessary criticism of anotherwise decent outfit.)
    3. Try to wish my bills away.
    4. Pretend like I’m really going to get swept off my feet by some rich dude who is going to make all my problems go away. The white knight doesn’t exist. And neither does Black, Latino, or Indian one.
    5. Getting excited over celebrity crushes. Really now, they’re just people like the rest of us, right?
    6. Giving so much of a damn about what my parents (father) think about my life choices. They don’t own me.
    7. Procrastinate about a career. I should settle into something stable. Journalism seems to be working for now.
    8. Wear stupid jeans that don’t fit right. Then I wouldn’t have to do #3.
    9. Accept less than the best. I’m a thrifter, and recently I went to a Goodwill where there were crushed up Ritz crackers on the dressing room floor. I took my dresses in and tried them on without knowing they were there until I felt the grit stuck to the bottom of my socks. It was disgusting. And beneath me. Yeah I said it. I’ve got to be willing to pay more. After all it’s the sacred wardrobe we’re talking about here. And I’m worth it.
    10. NOT have my own stuff. I just bought a laptop for myself. I didn’t care that I “couldn’t afford it.” I just got tired of using other people’s stuff.
    11. Never doubt myself anymore. There’s just no reason to, especially when so many of the things I feel I should have accomplished by now, I have. It’s really hard to come up with one more, let alone the rest of the 27!
    12. I gotta stop wasting time. It happens when I don’t follow #10. The I have to stop, re-evaluate why I got something with crappy value, whether it be a person or a dress, and I have to spend twice the amount of time working out that situation. It’s a learning experience, sure, but how many times do you have to make the same mistake before moving on?
    13. (Speaking of moving on) Still want to get back with my ex.
    14. Posting pictures of celebrities on my walls. My real walls, not Facebook. After MJ, that’s it. Only art from now on.
    15. Complaining about any aspect of my life whatsoever. We got the Law of Attraction, and Jesus. With all of the help out there, there’s no excuse for not changing my life if I’m not happy with it.
    16. Not realize that’s not everyone else, it really is me. That goes for the good, but also for the bad. It’s called taking responsibility for my life. No one can really affect my reality. It’s all about how I choose to handle it; my perception.
    17. Hold my idols up on a pedestal to the point where I don’t realize they’re human, and that they make mistakes. That way I don’t put any undue pressure on them to fulfill my expectations.
    18. Going back to old standby’s just because it’s comfortable. That goes for old habits and even hold hairstyles. It’s time for me to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. It’s a part of growth.
    19. Emotional eating, and pigging out on take-out in general. That means scarfing down starches when I’m feeling a little depressed, or ordering take-out just because I’m too lazy to cook. Laziness and boredom go hand in hand, and boredom can be an emotion, right?
    20. Irregularity. I mean, if I haven’t mastered by fiber intake by now, then I really need to visit a specialist. (Adopting a vegan diet didn’t work. Not even a vegetarian one did. It seems I eat every kind of flesh food except chicken.)
    21. Rare and random jealousy for people who have something I want. I love that saying “What God has for me is for me.” I know I’m going to get everything I need and want, and more.
    22. Judging other’s choices! From celebrities all the way to my friends and who they date or what the next chick is wearing at the party. Who cares? It’s really all about me anyway.
    23. Beating up on myself for not volunteering more. I mean, I give when I can in so many ways, it’s not just about working for free at a non-profit organization. A kind word of encouragement to someone on the street can go farther than serving someone a paper bag lunch. (Even though I know volunteers do way more than for the orgs that they serve.)
    24.  Not exercising. I got the dvds, I got the access to exercise classes, I have every resource needed to NOT gain any more weight. So it’s time I made that commitment and stopped playin’.
    25. Trying too hard. I don’t care what you think, I don’t need to be everybody’s friend, and I certainly don’t need to preserve anybody’s feelings by not telling them that our relationship is just not working out. I’m going to keep it real. I need to put my needs first.
    26.  Holding on to things I don’t need anymore. That includes people.
    27. Making 27 promises to myself and while knowing good and damn well that I’ll probably only keep 5 of them! Oh well, it happens. Happy New Year!

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