Friendship, International Relations, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

Vulnerability=Love-Ability=Being Loveable Pt. 2

It’s OK to cry. Trust me.

What’s my love-ability quotient? Can this be quantified? Can you really measure how well someone can love?

I’m a fan of tooting my own horn and saying how good my lovin is, in more ways than one. But what does this really mean?

I think your capacity to love is somewhat influenced by your ability to be vulnerable, and let all of the layers of guilt, doubt, ego, and shame fall away.

I’ve experienced the truth of this throughout the past couple of months when I proclaimed that I wanted to find true love, or better yet, allow it come to me.

I’m very big on the law of attraction, and it seems that everyone is these days. I think it makes sense that in order for you to find someone real, and connect with them through the layers of their personality and ego to get to the core of them, the Love, you would have to relate to them in a way that is totally authentic. A concept called Progressive Love¬†created by the founders of Jujumama, LLC has been helping me through this process in the past month or so.

The Universe keeps bringing things and people to me who are helping me to fulfill my deepest desires. I’m learning secrets to things that I felt somewhere in my spirit, but I just couldn’t put a name to. I, being in my left brain alot, need to assign names to things and have things make sense in a scientific way, appreciate the language and culture that Jujumama is creating around this topic of “open relating”, which, throughout my life I have been simply calling “Just keepin it real.”

It hurts and it’s scary as hell to be open. But I’ve gotten only good results. I feel that most people are craving for the people in their lives to CONFESS that they love them, miss them, need them, want them around, are sad when they go, feel afraid of losing them, think they aren’t good enough, are carrying pain around from the past that causes them to fuck everything up in the here and now…people want to hear this because it allows them to now be open as well. Creating a safe space for communicating your true fears and desires while not blaming, is something I have learned is so necessary if you want to build a strong foundation for a relationship.

I’ve never been this way before. Remember when I stopped blogging for a few months? If you read my last post¬†you’ll see why. I met someone who is exactly who I need to learn how to be open and just real. He’s wonderful, honest, and supportive. And guess what? We’ve “broken up.” But guess what else? Our “relationship” or simply “how we are with each other” has been more satisfying than when we were “together.”¬†(I’m putting quotes around all of these terms and phrases because I’m asking myself what do they really mean?)

I still want him. I’m going to love him as long as I need to for me to learn the lesson I need from him. I still want to know he’s OK, and I’ll always want him to be ¬†happy, even if it’s NOT with me. I’ve heard that if you love someone you have to let them go. But I have a spin on that: If you love someone you have to let yourself go. Meaning let go of all of those layers of: expectations of how a perfect relationship is supposed to be, (which then puts pressure on yourself and the person you’re relating to), shame about your past, guilt about how you’ve hurt others, doubts about whether or not you’re good enough, and finally fear that nothing is going to work out for your good. Expecting the worst is like a vicious cycle, and we can break it by embodying the type of brokenness that is born of vulnerability.

While I’d like to think that I’m perfect, I know I have a sludge of stuff I need to work through, but I’m meeting people who bring this out of me. I’m grateful for it. I’d say if you could measure my ability to Love right now, it’d be pretty high on the scale. I’m finally getting it: Your life is a reflection of what you expect it to be, and who you love is a reflection of you. If you want someone to drop all facades and be real and from the heart, you’ve got to start with number one.

See the first part of this article here

Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

You Are Really Effed Up…

…But you’re perfect.

I apologize for not writing for a while. I think I was really caught up in something that we Earthlings like to call…a relationship.

It sounds about as extra-terrestrial as a spaceship now, and to be honest with you, I can’t wait to put all my thoughts down for the day and really sleep so I can float away from this Earth, well at least in my mind. But for now…

Here I am because I think I need to get some things out of my brain and onto this screen. In the past few months I have been dealing with a man whom I felt was perfect for me in every way. In many ways he exhibited the traits that I had always thought I wanted in a man: he was chocolatey, somewhat tall, strong-willed, neat, had honorable goals, a sense of humor, was very affectionate (or I guess just touchy feely), and was open minded when it came to certain sex acts. He could hold his own in a conversation and didn’t activate my rebellious side. (Although I’d have loved to have been spanked more often, but I digress).

I’ve read a lot of books in my day. Many of them have been about relationships. I think this is because in these books I have been trying to find some golden nugget of information that was going to make me understand myself and therefore my relationships much better. All they did was recondition the old conditioning, and lately I have been seeing the fruits of my mental and intentional labor…the relationship ended, he says it’s because he’s not ready, but I say it’s because I always felt it would end anyway because it went against the way I had been conditioned that stable and long lasting relationships start out.

I guess for me to believe that a man will respect you, he has to court you. Spend time, money, sweat, and tears just to get you to agree to spend time with him. Now I admit: When I met this guy, I really didn’t think much of him or the role he might play in my life. I even remember a moment on our first date (which I asked HIM to come to hang out with ME because I had an extra ticket, which breaks a lot of dating expert’s rules, haha) where I looked at him and thought “there’s NO WAY I’m gonna be involved with this guy. I mean, LOOK at him” And lo and behold, here I am, a few months later, and he’s saying HE’S not ready to be with ME. (I know now NEVER ¬†to say never, when it comes to your so called fast held “principles.” Life will ALWAYS come back and bite you in the ass! ¬†Not that NOT being with him was a matter of principle. It’s just that I had never been with a man as animalistic and challenging as him. He had this jungle¬†Mandingo¬†quality, straight out of the Motherland…yet he was wordly and refined and sweet and endearing at the same time. But I really had a moment where I looked at him and said, “No.”) I say all that to say that deep down inside I felt it would collapse from the inside out because we jumped into things way too fast, and I was available way too much.

Even though I wanted to be exclusive so that I could have (guilt-free) sex. I wanted to be “committed” (and we never really discussed what the hell that even meant to each of us) before I had sex. I also knew that at the time, there was no other man I wanted to be with. I couldn’t even see other men, I only had eyes for him.

I learned a lot in the past few months. I tried to take this whirlwind that we were involved in all with a grain of salt but it got so heavy so quickly. It literally felt like an avalanche that I believe we BOTH tried to stop in the beginning, but our feelings just keep rolling on. I remember him STRESSING patience, but then the next time we’d see each other, he was saying he was in love with me. It’s so funny. He seemed so gentle back then, and sweet. I know he still is, he has a good heart, but I’ve seen a darker, meaner, colder side to him since then, and surprisingly it didn’t totally turn me off. Yes, this is the twist. He’s still perfect to me. And so am I. I’ve found myself telling him I’m not perfect. But that’s not true. I’m me, now, and that’s all I can be up to this point. What I have to work with is the future. Because what I’ve realized is: the really EFFED up parts of all of us are still worthy of love.

This blog is about a woman on a quest for love. I thought that I might eventually find it in one person I would meet on a fateful day in September, or something out of a love song like that. But as I progress, I’m realizing that all of these people are here to teach me a lesson about ME! And what’s even more scary and more beautiful, is that they’re all taking me on a journey right back to myself, and that’s exactly where love is. LOVE isn’t out there somewhere…it’s inside.

Let me publish this before I lose my nerve…

Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

Your Imagination Is Your Worst Enemy

When driving and in relationships, your imagination can sometimes be your worst enemy.

You’re not helping anyone by thinking up bad shit that hasn’t happened, or re-living travesties of the past. This is something that I’m learning with the person I’m currently seeing. It’s funny, because I thought I was past all that negative thinking and doubt, because I who knows that I deserve all things good, would never¬†sabotage¬†a great (sexy, amazing) experience by negative thinking. But it creeps up and rears it’s ugly head when you least expect it.

Unfortunately, the person can end up thinking that it’s about them, but you know that’s not true. Anytime something pops up in your head, and you end up bringing up something not quite desirable that was not incited by any external experience in the relationship, it totally comes from you. And that can lead to a little nasty thing called .projection. It goes something like this


You: “Babe, are you having doubts about us?”

Them: “No, where is this coming from?”

You: “Well, I was watching that episode of The Game and-”

Them: “Well that’s not us. Listen, I know I’m not giving you a reason to think that I feel any differently about you. Do you trust me?”

The problem is that you don’t trust the situation or yourself enough to let go, and just Love freely. Allow yourself to feel that good and TRUST that this person is who they say they are! Believe in your choices…you made them for a reason.

Not only that, the best way to soothe your fears and insecurities is to just know that, like a good friend told me, “you deserve too good to be true.”

And it is so.

Dating, Friendship, Life, Relationships, Sex

Stuff Single Girls DON’T Say

1. “I talk a good game but deep down inside I’m full of insecurities about why I’m single.”

If I’m real with myself I can say that I have a load of reasons why I’m single. It’s true! I know that on the outside, I’m stunning. I know that I’ve got a great personality, and quirks that are endearing. But I also know that I have a dark side. A side to me that can be very cold and cruel. I can be extremely nurturing, sexy, giving, emotive, give you best meal and p****y that you ever had in one night and look good doing it. And I can even make your parents think I’m a good girl even with this filthy mouth, lol. (Mine always fall for it.) But somehow I feel that that’s not good enough. Because if I really sat down and told you the string of bad luck (or bad choices, as an enlightened person would say) I’ve had with relationships, you would wonder, maybe as much as I do, what is wrong with this picture?

Wait. I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Firstly I’m not clear on how I wanna do this post. Should I actually list what single girls are really feeling but are afraid to admit? Or should I just write? All I know is that I wanna come from the heart on this one. But then, when do I ever not?

This weekend has been enormous in terms of friendships and confessions. I felt the need to kick someone out of my life, because they just didn’t get that I don’t trust them after what they pulled here. We just didn’t share the same values when it comes to courtesy, respect, and common sense. They kept persisting and grew irate when I wanted to put boundaries on the friendship so finally I just blocked his number.

Then, I reconnected with a friend who actually told me that for years he had a strong sexual attraction to me, and said that’s why he DIDN’T really want to come over, chill alone, etc. Even though he could have totally taken advantage of the situation, even could have led me on if he wanted to he chose to exercise some self control. I used to have a huge crush on him a few years ago, so that coupled with my recent desire to have intimacy, fall in love, and be all cuddly, and just plain horniness, I would have been easily led I’m sure. I respected the fact that he didn’t see an opportunity for sex and just jump on it. That to me is a trait of a responsible human, a real man. In addition to that, the fact that he told me ¬†that when he didn’t have to ¬†is the character of a real friend.

It made me raise the bar, and that’s when I told my other “friend” who was so selfish that he couldn’t see past the tip of his d***, to kick rocks.

I had another situation where I got a text saying “Are we friends?” from someone who just a few weeks ago I invited to happy hour and he all he responded was “Nah I got plans.” He’s usually not that short. I brushed it off though.

He continued, “If we’re friends I need to be real with you.”

Wow. This type of thing seemed to be happening all too frequently in the past few days.

He confessed, “You hurt my feelings and now I don’t even know what to say to you.”

me crying

I'm hard on the outside but soft in the center.

I don’t know what it was but I think I’ve learned to not try to figure out things over a text message, and just wait until they can explain it fully over the phone or in person. I repeat: never try to “text” an important conversation. When we got a chance to speak I realized that there were things that I had done that were probably a result of some way deeper issues that I had with this person, and with myself.

And it let me to blog this right now, because I think I was still hurt by the bittersweet words this person said to me after I inquired about the “definition” of our relationship. (We had sex a few times, expressed our feelings, you get the picture.)

His words, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but if I were, you’d be someone that I’d want to be with.”

Through drunken tears I silently made the decision that any affection I had given him, friendly or more than friendly, had to end immediately. I swore I wasn’t gonna make the mistake again of giving it up with no guarantees.

I definitely did again. But then you read my blog so you know that.

The point, is hurt people hurt people. Sometimes without even realizing it. And I can’t tell you how happy, touched, and even honored I was that this man would confess to me that something I did hurt his feelings. I didn’t have to chase him down, I didn’t have to wait 3 months of just not hearing from him, like I have to do with even some of my girlfriends (see my last post Dumping Friends.) True, I didn’t know there was a problem, and he didn’t have to tell me, and so I commend that. Besides, it shows that he cares, and I’ve made that mistake before of cutting people off without telling them why. It sucked when they pointedly told me me how immature that was. I make it a point not to do it again, I still slip sometimes, but I’m gettin’ better at being open and honest. And my testimony to all this?

I have only ever gotten the BEST results when I’ve kept it 100% real. Vulnerabilities and all.

This is what this single girl never says, and that’s this: I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll be alone for a really long time. I’m a little bit nervous that someone won’t recognize all of the wonderful things that my friends see in me; that I recognize in myself. I sometimes think that I’ll end up rich, fabulous, and alone, still not having had any children at ¬†33 (when I planned to be knocked up by 29)¬†and continuing to make all the same mistakes that I thought I learned from in my 20’s. You know, sometimes I only want my ex back not just because he was a great guy, but because maybe he was the only one who was foolish enough to love me. I know that when we broke up he said “Maybe you’ll find someone better than me,” while I cried 2 feet away from him, but sometimes I wonder if that’s even possible. And what I’m really scared of is that what I’ve convinced myself of is really the truth, is that whenever a man tells me something from his heart, he’s angling for something. And when a guys says he’s not ready to be with me, it means that no one will ever¬†be.

Sigh. So that’s it.

You know, as I type this, an episode of Girlfriends is on where Ellis tells Joan “You’re so afraid of not having what Toni has (a wedding, husband) that you’re¬†sabotaging us.” ¬†I can’t totally relate to Joan. I know I’ll have a “happy ending” I’m just trying to figure out how the beginning and middle is gonna work out.

Funny how the Universe will bring us confirmation in the weirdest of ways.

So as of today, no more fear about the future. And no more thinking that when a guy stands me up, that it’s about me. No seriously, all that New Age crap about everything in your life is a reflection of you doesn’t necessarily mean that I deserve that shit. As they say in Singlegirldom, “His loss. Next!

Culture, Dating, Relationships, Sex, Technology

Ok, Cupid, You Can Do Better Than This: Why I Switched to Niso Soul Mates!

I don’t know what the legal implications are for copying and pasting messages exchanged on Okcupid’s site, I never read the fine print. So I’m just going to say that I paraphrased or “made up” this message and that it wasn’t a real guy who sent this to me. (You can believe what you want.) The title¬†of this post was going to be really long: ¬†Ok, Cupid, You Can Do Better Than This: Why Women Complain About Creepy Men on Online Dating Sites. I’m not going to go through a list of reasons why. Most of them may be bullshit. (They’re not.) But what you are about to read is one good reason why. Maybe I’m being a big baby. Maybe this really IS the 21st century and I should ask out guys, and have random sex, and turn off my emotions and act like it’s cool. But it isn’t. And neither is the guy¬†sending this to me. On my birthday at that!

My name is Scott and I am a very charismatic, fun, and attractive man. I am a VERY hard worker with great character and integrity-when I say something I do it! I am the proud owner of 3 businesses. You are as dynamic a woman I have seen on this site, beautiful talented, smart, creative, and sexy. I know you’re not the type to take on a request like this but I have no lovers and I am becoming lonely. I have sexual and health needs that I would like to meet so that I can feel like a man and I am unwilling to hire a prostitute or sleep with a lady that is below my standards. I am 5‚Äô7‚ÄĚ (for real not 5‚Äô4‚ÄĚ), I have green eyes, I am shaved bald, in very good physical condition but I am not a model-type with the bulging muscles and six pack (YET! I love to work out and I am getting there!). What I am is respectful, trustworthy, drug and disease free (except I do smoke pot, but I rarely drink), I am known to be a very giving and proficient lover in the bedroom. I love to be aggressive in bed but also sensual, I also love when a woman is aggressive and takes over! I am known for my stamina and going all night! If you seek a man to sleep and hang out with that is not a sleeze, dirty, or a man whore and you are a good girl in need of sex and intimacy maybe we can co-fill a need. I also smoke blunts and I always have…

          Really Scott? Did you actually think I would agree to meeting you after you sent me such a creepy and insultingly forthright message?
          But luckily, there is a bright side to this situation. I recently decided to join a very cool dating movement called Niso Soul Mates.
¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Here’s how I got involved: Over the summer, I got invited by a Facebook friend to a dating mixer. It was at a cool little spot in Brooklyn called¬†Eve’s Lounge. I arrived much later than fashionably late, but I was impressed by what I did experience when I was there. I was asked by two very polite women at a table to fill out a dating questionnaire, and I was even asked about my dating “pet peeves.” I love that! (Don’t you love when people give you the platform to express what pisses you off?) I simply wrote “liars.” So, I was give a number “69” (oh, shut up) and was escorted to have a seat if I liked. Someone even ordered a drink for me, and in the next few minutes, a new fresh guy whom I had never met before was sitting in front of me, and we had some polite conversation. Then, it happened again, and again! I got to meet a few people that night, and the way the system worked, I didn’t have to do¬†any¬†work. As a¬†Rules Girl¬†I really like that. No wonder the theme for that night’s mixer was “Chivalry Is Not Dead.” It certainly was alive and well that night!
¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Since that night Niso Soul Mates has expanded into a full blown¬†online dating site. The amazing feature that I have not seen on ANY other dating site (and I’ve tried a few) is their innovative video profiles. See an example¬†here! This means¬†no more¬†blind dates!
¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I’m thrilled about this. Because come on people, we both know that the only reason our good friend “Scott” sent by “Cupid” (who is now, in my opinion, the Devil himself) felt even an ounce of comfort sending that message to me is because he doesn’t have the guts to¬†say it in my face!¬†But the new virtual dates that Niso Soul Mates offers eliminate all that fuss. You can meet someone before you meet them, for the ultimate enhanced online dating experience. I think this Valentine’s Day season I’m going to trade Cupid for Niso and try it on for size. Like my old Pastor used to say, “You have to see it before you see it!” Anyway, ¬†it’s much safer that way.
          For more on the benefits of joining Niso Soul Mates today, see the interview I did with Nikki, the marketing director of thew new brand. This site will be doing a promotion for 50% off of all of their membership packages for a limited time. I know, I know, some sites are free you say. But do you get video profiles on those sites? (No.) Some things, like love, are worth investing in.

Hit my "love button"