Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex

Timeless, Title-less Love (My Story of Having Relationships with No Titles) Pt. 1

gift-habeshaw-fVMMyFl4YqM-unsplashNote: This was written about six years ago from the date of publication. And I think I published it 3 years ago but took it down. It’s a good piece and the updates are ironic… I might even have to do a part 2 for this one!¬†

 

I have not written in a while. I moved from the state I was living in after 12 years with not many clothes in tow, and apparently¬†I developed a relationship thereafter, and also started a new business. I’ve started school, got a little p/t job, took a leave from that job, reconnected with a few old friends,¬†traveled, started driving, and released the need to call it anything but happiness and bliss.

 

That’s right. I have a new epiphany about naming things. While listening to Michael Jackson’s new album I realized that my most recent relationship transition reflects this song:

 

 

A place with love and happiness, a place that you don’t want to leave, and it has no name.

 

My current partner told me today that he wanted to be friends.

 

And I realized that it’s what I want to. He told me he loves me, and I still love him, so I thought, really this is the best of all worlds.

 

See, I should have learned this from my last relationship, but I guess I’m putting the nail in the coffin for this lesson:

Titles don’t get you Love. Only Love can get you that.

 

Somehow, in That One Moment,  every obligation towards him and all expectations of how the relationship was supposed to be was dropped. I was imprisoning myself with thoughts that I could never be the woman he wanted me to be in all the ways he wanted me to be.

 

I compared myself with other women in and out of his life, and I even started to care about his whereabouts a whole lot more than I ever like to care about anyone’s. You may call it crazy, but I call it a fucking miracle that I was able to release those negative thoughts, for the most part, in an instant, with the words: “Let’s just be friends.”

 

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced this with a love in my life. It happened with my first boyfriend, who was ironically named Mychal Jackson!

 

(Lol omg I totally just realized the synchronicity, Thank You Universe.)

 

We were cool for so long, telepathically connected, and very much in love, however, there were certain things as a middle schooler that I just could not give this high schooler.  And then I had an attitude, the pressure was building, I met a girl he was cheating on me with at the skating rink, (literally bumped into her in line and we plotted to confront him once we got inside, lol) Finally, I broke up with him.

 

Then we became friends. And our relationship became sweeter and more solid than ever before.

 

Then, in a more previous adult relationship, I was building with a man who told me that he couldn’t even put a title on what we were. He said something to the effect that what we had was undefinable. I was stuck on wanting to know “what are we” at that point, and I learned from that relationship that you can eventually be the “girlfriend” and still get shitted on.

 

Then I had other boyfriends and I was more unhappy in the relationship than out of them. Same person, same city, different “relationship status.” I learned to stop asking for the title and to ask God for the person who would bring the Love that I too was so ready to share.

 

From that point, I never cared about having a title between the person and I, although I still dealt with ownership, jealousy, and insecurities that reared their ugly head with a fervency that I had never known existed within me before. (Let the shadow work begin.)

 

Now, I have new goals that are evolving every day. Instead of wanting to be some man’s “piece” I focus on the type of woman I want to be. Sometimes I get sidetracked,¬†but I am learning to correct the mistake of believing that someone else, even a loving man whom I adore, is responsible for my happiness 24/7 or even for a minute.

 

My current situation has taught me that I still have work to do in this area, but that is one thing I admire about myself: I never give up on the work of continually discovering who I am. Nothing makes me waver from that.

 

I do believe the new/old adage is true: “Relationships don’t end, they just transition.”

 

And I feel a sweetness in the surrender, in following his lead, in trusting the Universe’s path of least resistance. I feel certain in trusting that this was my answer to my prayer of what to do (which was really just to trust and let go). I feel secure in the feeling of me standing by my principles to do all of the above.

 

I feel good in the release of the pressure of feeling like certain things had to be done by him, and by me, rather than just enjoying each other’s company, attention, and love for each other. And being okay with him being an autonomous person who wants to do what he wants, because I want the same freedom from him. (We often give our friends way more freedom than we do our partners. Somehow, our partners are more like our prisoners than a true person who we trust to do what’s best for their own growth.) It feels so good to know that without the prospect of being “in a relationship”¬†that I am¬†not afraid to lose his love, which I was so afraid of when we were “more than friends.”

It feels really good to know that I’ll always have Love. And that’s real. Timeless, Title-less Love.

Note: Stay tuned for Part 2, 2019 version! I got updates on ALL OF THIS!

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Relationships

REALITY (Show) CHECK: MTV’s Friend Zone

I guess it worked for them (from MTV's Friend Zone)!

Ok, so over the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing some issues with the “friends with benefits” thing, even though I didn’t want to admit that that is what I’ve been involved in. I’m cleared up about it now, because I realized that I”m not going to keep giving guys the “bizn-ass” when they never actually handled business.

But seriously though. I need to get this out of my system so I can get it out of my vibration.

I had been allowing the first guy, because he was a friend of mine (and always telling me how much he adored me, and oh yeah, cause I wasn’t following The Rules), to come over, tell me he didn’t wanna see me with other guys or even hear about other men, have sex with me (although drunken), we confided in each other, held hands in public, held hands on the couch, I let him spend the night,¬†basically he had the¬†privileges¬†of a boyfriend but we had no real solid definition of what our relationship was. Finally I confronted him: “What the hell are we doing? I don’t like this in between shit. It’s all or nothing.” He explicitly tells me “I’m not ready to commit right now, but if I were, you’d definitely be someone I’d wanna be with.”

Lessons come in the forms of different people and situations, and they always come back to you 3 and 4 times if you don’t get them the first time. Well, this lesson came to me again in the form of a second guy who, again, got the biznass. ¬† Way too soon. Didn’t get to know the guy very well. And this was all within the span of 3 months.

I’m still friends with the first guy. Not like before, ¬†but he has always respected me, he knows where I stand now, and I know that I will never allow what happened between us to happen again. And we always had a crush on one another from the time we met, and I will even say this: If I had remembered and done The Rules, we might even be together now. But I digress.

The second guy¬†was just someone from my distant past who I should’ve let stay there. I’m the one who sought him out ¬†even just to “hang out” which means that the shit was never supposed to happen in the first place. Never works, I’m telling you. I’m going to go ahead and say that a safe bet is to just do The Rules on all men. That way you don’t end up in one of those “grey” relationships, frantically or even casually wondering, “Are we friends, are we more? We had sex, does he like me…like that?” ¬†The Rules are based on a biological reality that men must do the pursuing, they love a challenge, and they lose interest quickly if you give it up too soon. So me being assertive, outgoing, open-minded, and horny, I feel that I needed a little guidance to remind me that just because times have changed, that doesn’t mean men have.

So that brings me to MTV’s show called Friend Zone…it’s about friends who have had romantic feelings for their best friends for months, sometimes years, and they basically trick them into going out on a date with them. Now let me tell you, I love this show! But I’m going to be totally honest about it. And this is not just since I became a Rules girl, but seriously, I’m not, as a woman, going to profess my love to a guy (not first anyway). (I had a childhood best friend who I was in love with once. He told me he loved me too. He got jealous, flirted, called me all the time, etc. But he never asked me out, he never actually told me he wanted to be exclusive. Key signs that he just wanted to have the privilege of feeling me up when I went back to my hometown to visit.)

Back to the show: The premise of this show is so deceiftful too. You basically tell your “victim” that they are going to be your wingman or wingwoman for a blind date. They know it’s for a reality show because the cameras are there, but they have no idea that you have these feelings for them. They help you get ready for the date, pick an outfit, give you advice on how to “be.” Then when you and your friend get there, you tell them that you’v been lying the whole time and that you want them to go on the date with you. Or…not. There was one guy who was totally in love with this girl, he had already chickened out once and failed to ask her out. He sat there crying while he let he walk away for the second time. The update on that: he ended up dating her friend a month later. So the show is pretty awesome.

There was another girl who had a best friend who was pretty hot. He had a whiny, bitchy voice, but he looked like a model. She was a pretty girl, although doofy. She totally gushed while confessing that she was actually the one who wanted to date him. He looked confused, but he had a smirk on his face. He was super sweet about accepting the date, and he even told her that he wanted to be with her. But she had to ask, to make sure that they were a couple. And he just kept smiling and saying “Ok!” She was acting like she won the lottery. He didn’t seem embarassed, but he seemed like he was happy as hell that she was now a “sure thing.” She even stood up in front of everyone and said “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen! I have an announcement to make: I’m not single anymore!” I’m not Jesus or anything, but I wanted to die for her, because as a woman she just commited a deadly sin to her relationship.

Let the man be the one to shout it from the ¬†rooftops that he’s in love. If you wanna shout about something, let it be a promotion, or that you are just in love with life. Sing it to the world in the form of a karaoke song. I’m finding out that that I have to find other outlets for all of the passion and emotion I feel, because dumping that all out on one person can be very overwhelming for them. I’m a performer, so naturally I have larger than life feelings about things. I channel it into different activities: My vlog, this blog, thrift shopping, hanging out with friends, photo shoots, happy hours at home with the roomies, even walking down the street singing at the top of my lungs and pretending that no one’s looking. Basically I’ve created my own world of wonderful things that I do to keep busy and happy. It’s like my whole life is a recess. And in the adult world, recess means watching great reality shows and using them as inspiration to write kick ass commentary on my life and relationships. But I think I just heard¬†the bell ring, so, until next time playmates!

Check out MTV’s Friend Zone and leave your comments!

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Relationships

Friends, But No Benefits

Fuck being a “modern woman” who can have sex like a man.

I should have just followed The Rules. You see, The Rules for dating are similar to other guidelines for social interaction, for instance, The 48 Laws of Power, or How to Win Friends and Influence people. These books helped me to understand that cool points are like currency, and surprisingly, you can quickly lose them by being too nice. You don’t gain them by buying someone’s friendship, or giving in to their every whim, or by not setting boundaries. In fact, it’s precisely the opposite. If you don’t set up very clear boundaries for ¬†yourself and know what you want, respect is flushed down the toilet, and you get get shitted on.

This is the story:

I had a friend. Well, at least I thought we were. I knew him for a while, years ago, him and I would party together with mutual friends and basically have a great time. No sex, only dancing. There were crushes and all, I really liked one of his friends, but I generally was not attracted to this guy like that. ¬†I trusted him though, I even had him over my place a few times, and I rarely have company like that. As for his name, we’ll call him D. ¬†So, over time, as people do, we drifted apart. He had his relationship, I had mine, I was flying, so I had a job that took me all over the world. I think we were probably just a distant memory in the back of each other’s mind, until I got back in touch with a mutual friend of ours. Since I considered myself closer with D than all of them, I asked about him. Said friend, we’ll call him M, would tell me that he spoke to him every once in a while and that D even moved back to his hometown of Connecticut. Then I saw him on Facebook. I decided to hit him up. In that super-gushy, overly friendly way that I do (if you want another reason why it’s NEVER ok for a woman to approach a man from her past, you’ll have to stay tuned for one of the other posts. It was baaaad.) I was like “Hey! Where you been man? I miss you. We should totally catch up.” Not such a good idea. Even thinking about this important rule that I broke makes me cringe.

You see, I approached him first. (Rule #2 is Don’t talk to a man first.)¬†I’m sure at the time, neither one of us was looking at the other as a prospective lay or relationship. I certainly wasn’t. But that was about 5 years ago that I met him. When I saw him again, (it was late night after one of my photo shoots, I model from time to time.) I noticed that he cleaned up nice. He grew up. ¬†I was actually physically attracted to him, and plus, I was horny. I hadn’t had sex in several weeks, and only a few times at that: I had recently come off a celibacy run ¬†(by choice) that lasted over a year. ¬†So I was open to trying it out. I drank wine, we watched tv, talked, and then had sex. Twice. It was actually not that bad. In fact, it felt great!

I felt a little awkward afterwards though, because there was still no emotional connection between us strong enough to warrant me touching or cuddling. And I’m not used to just lying there like a cold fish after being so intimate with someone. That’s a weird line to walk. The tightrope between friendship, attraction, and sexuality. I realize I always inevitably end up falling. So, I broke another rule. I openly and honestly expressed my emotions (which was simply that I didn’t know what to do with myself and I felt extremely awkward after the sex), not in a clear and concise way that men can understand (men are stupid, but I love them ;)) but in a long winded, “not sure what I’m really trying to say” kind of way. It’s always as a result of being too nice that I end up tripping up over my own tongue. (Thus I ended up breaking too many rules to count. #4, 7, 15, and 19. ¬†By going all the way to his place at the last minute late at night made it way too easy for him, and I rushed right into intimacy with a man whom I barely knew, even thought I thought I did. Not to mention the one about opening up too soon and pouring your heart out.)

Just do them.

The truth is, while he had stamina and a great package, I need sex to have something emotional to back it up, or it just ends up feeling, well, empty. I didn’t know how to say that without feeling like a bitch “I STILL don’t have any feelings for you! So don’t touch me.” Now don’t get me wrong. ¬†I didn’t think that having sex a few times would change my feelings for him. And I certainly don’t believe he gave a damn either way about how I felt about him. (See, there’s no reason why a woman who respects herself would put herself into this situation. Oh God, thank you for learning!) ¬†I just WANTED the type of connection that I had with my ex. Preferably I either have sex with someone I love or have a one night stand (and typically those require I never see the person again. Now I’ll settle for having absolutely no attraction to them whatsoever, besides that quick stress reliever). The whole “fuck buddy” thing just totally confused me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I should have just bounced.

Nevertheless, we talked about it, and he was understanding, but it wasn’t satisfying for me. I knew that I wanted more than the empty sex we had just had. Not from him, just for myself. Still, we remained cool.

He eventually ended up coming over for a holiday gathering, spending the night with no sex, then spending the night again a few days later and I couldn’t help myself. (I was really horny, plus I knew it wouldn’t be a waste of time because it would be good.) But something funny happened….He pulled a reverse Jesus and DISappeared like a thief in the night. ¬†(You know that verse in the Bible about Jesus’ second coming surprising the hell out of you like a “theif in the night?” Well, I was just as shocked.) When I woke up, he was GONE. He texted me later that day and I said “Did you say bye when you left or did you just BOUNCE?” He tells me he didn’t wanna wake me, and that he had morning breath and didn’t wanna offend me. His exact words: “My mouth was dirty.” I hate talking about bodily functions so I tried to ignore that part, but I told him that he didn’t have to be all up in my face, but he could have at least said goodbye. From the door. (Should I have to explain this to a grown ass man?) Me: “I woke up and was like damn.” ¬†After that text, I got no response. Now mind you, before that night we had made plans for later on in the week. He forgot them. Didn’t hear from him until the day after we were supposed to go out. Of course, after the stunt he pulled, I was no longer interested in seeing him again. Can you say “Nignore?”

Basically, none of this would have happened if I had stuck with one exquisite rule that Millionaire Matchmaker tells all her clients: ¬†No Sex Before Monogamy! And I add to that: Do not fuck your friends! Friends do not get benefits unless friends put in WORK. Then they’re not friends anymore. They’re boyfriends.

I can tell you countless stories of times when I rushed into sex in my younger days,¬†before my first serious relationship, but it wasn’t always this confusing and hurtful. A good friend of mine said that’s because when you’re young and just having fun, you can turn your emotions off. But now I’m older. (I’ll be 27 on December 26th!) I’m almost 30. I’ve seen my single female friends at 30 and older, and they all seem desperate. I want to be settled by the time I’m their age. So I’m doing things differently now. After I broke my vow of celibacy of 1 year when my long term relationship ended, this is the second guy who I allowed to be a “beneficial friend.” You see where it got me.¬†What can I say? I’m not ashamed of being old-fashioned. Besides, I think there’s a line that runs from my vagina straight to my heart. And from now on, like a tightrope, I plan to walk it without falling.

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