Life, Nature, New York City, Personal Liberation, Sprituality

Monkeys on My Muthaf*ckin Back: Depression, Productivity, and Self Love

toonpool.com

toonpool.com

As  I listen to a Louise Hay YouTube video about self Love, I realize that I’m not really all that fucked up to need it.

But I do, in fact, need it.

For the past 5 days I’ve been pretty much laid up-sure I went to an event recently and I really enjoyed myself, but mostly I’ve been in bed, resting, writing, meditating.

Sounds pretty productive right?

Well according to my new definition of productive, yes. Anything that has a positive result for me now or in the future is productive.

But that new definition is taking a while to settle in, or rather, sometimes I forget.

So I feel guilty for not working, for not being the traditional mode of productive.

But alas…I am creating.

But this is just one of the monkeys that I have to get off my back, damn near every day, just to get up!

It’s not easy. But I have reached my breaking point and it’s either die or stay alive.

I know I have all the tools in order for me to rescue myself.

So every day, even every night, I make a decision.

I will not die. I will live, and to my fullest potential.

A Course in Miracles says the Holy Spirit only guides you to something that you can do NOW. Well, I can say an affirmation now.

“I deserve the best out of Life, not because I’ve done anything good, but because I AM.”

I can choose to look at the situation with Love.

Last night one of the things I did before I went to sleep was to Mother myself.

I imagined a set of hands, older woman hands, not my mom’s during this lifetime, but maybe someone from ancient times. She spoke English though.

She said, “It’s ok baby. Everything’s going to be allll right.” And she caressed my face while I cried in her arms. I just imagined this maternal graceful spirit totally encompassing me…She said “I know baby…” And she wiped my tears away. And I just rocked in her arms while a tear or two rolled down my face.

So, I would advise everyone to chill the fuck out…because I have noticed that although I have lost damn near everything several times over in the past year, feeling like all hope is gone…I am more centered and believing that everything is going to be OK more than ever.

I’m creating more often than ever. And I’m putting it out there!

And I’m more clear on my purpose than ever. And I’m doing something about it!

I’m convinced that this bump in the road ISN’T the end of my journey. So I keep keeping on. I’m doing herbs, self soothing techniques, shaking up my routine, and simply not believing in the monkeys and the lies they tell anymore. 

I’m doing more stuff than ever to help those monkeys go back to their trees, or caves, or jungles, or where ever the fuck they came from. Despite them coming to hang out every once in a while, the Universe has got my back. But they don’t belong on my back. 

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Dating, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Can Being Sexy Help with Depression?

Taken backstage at Dionne Fairbanks...top from incarriescloset.com

Taken backstage at Dionne Fairbanks…top from incarriescloset.com

This weekend was bitter sweet.  The sweetness was I had the debut of my acting career (in Dionne Fairbanks) a play that ran for a weekend in New York City, Off Broadway, after 10 years. Many of you don’t know this but acting is what I came to New York to do. I never did though. I did many other things that I felt I enjoyed more, like modeling and singing…and most recently writing and blogging. It’s all my calling. I live to  express.

The bitterness was man I’ve been sleeping with for the past few months wasn’t there to see this triumphant moment in my career. Long story. Actually, pretty short. Death in the family. It’s never expected. I didn’t know about this until the last day of the show. So you can imagine my pain. I was very disappointed.

Still the show had to go on, I had to go on.

So I put on my make up, my costume, my wig, and I took selfies until the pain subsided. I’ve come to terms with the fact that looking good and feeling sexy can help a thousand woes. I seriously have used makeup to improve my mood and I’m not ashamed of it. In an effortless attempt to be more naked emotionally and at a soul level I have stopped wearing foundation on my face. It improved my confidence in a deep way. For the stage though, I went through what used to be my daily ritual of applying foundation and 5 or 6 other pieces of makeup.

If you read in my erotica blog about my exercise in submission with a man I was involved with you will see how sexuality, femininity, and power all intertwine. I have never felt so powerful than when I was utilizing my sexuality. Maybe that’s why in my early 20’s (ooh! I feel so old…being able to say “early 20’s”) I was a fan of one night stands. Many times when I went out with the intention of having sex, choosing the partner, and bedding him, I felt great about it. I walked away lighter. I didn’t understand that sometimes it had spiritual repercussions. But there was something powerful about it.

Feeling bad in the morning (which I’ve started a 6th journal simply about how I feel when I wake up in the morning) can be remedied by getting dressed up and looking sexy that day. I like to be seen, complimented, and I like to feel beautiful, so it helps. Plus, after you apply your mascara…there’s no more time to cry. Still through the pretty, tears are shed. But at the end of the day you have to find the beauty in the ugliness. I feel comfortable in both. But I feel a major boost in my confidence when I emphasize all that makes me sexy.

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