Last night, I lost a friend.
It was his choice.
And actually, he did me a favor.
I told him how he would fit in my life.
He felt resentful of the fact that he does not have access to my body in the way he would like. I had made an executive decision that despite a bit of chemistry that may have existed when we first met (he was there, nice, clean, fun, a gentleman- and I wanted a little bit of foreplay), we were to remain as friends and work on creative collaborations together.
I gently advised him that continuing to pursue a sexual relationship with me would be more trouble than it is worth right now. Quite simply, no. That’s not all I did say, but that’s all I should have had to.
A creative partnership and friendship would be the perfect arrangement for me, and he agreed to it. We were having fun together ever since, or so I thought.
I thought I could manage his desperation.
Although he is a Cancer who pushes women away with the faint odor of desperation at times, he is a sweet boy. Because I sensed this early on, I knew that the cost to be intimate with him would be too high for me at the time; and on top of that, I just wasn’t attracted enough to him for his desire for me to override my choice. Nothing can override my choice. He would demand more than I could ever give, and this would make me disrespect him in the future, I just knew that pattern all too well.
He said he agreed to my decision. We would talk, uplift each other, laugh, attend parties, and talk about spirituality and creativity. I would advise him on other women he was relating with. There were even moments when he comforted me when I cried about tragedy and trauma, like my past relationship and recent robbery.
I had noticed red flags of passive aggressiveness as well. But, I let it go in the name of forgiveness. I would confront these problems head on, taking the emotional lead in our friendship that was budding and blossoming – or so I thought.
The problems arose when he would hint that there was still some lingering sexual attraction between us – I promptly assured him there was not.
I was merciful, I didn’t tell him all the reasons why, but while speaking to a very wise friend last night she said this, “It’s kind of like that person’s expression a mutual desire that isn’t really there makes them even less attractive, because it’s like they’re not acknowledging that your “No” is valid…”
No is a complete sentence.
This isn’t one of those situations where I don’t want someone because they want me, no, it’s the idea that a man thinks he can change a woman’s mind, MY mind, by simply expressing his upset over the fact that I chose what role he’d play in my life. I took his words of agreement at face value.
I was wrong.
He was lying to me and himself the whole time. Some men are just not emotionally mature enough to stay in their place and wait for the right time or situation to have all their wishes granted and more.
Who knows? My feelings may have changed. But they would have changed when I said so.
I try to manage my relationships with strategy and heart.
I ration out sexual attention to whomever I choose and I’m strategic and calculated about it for a reason. I manage expectations and I’m learning to do this more skillfully than ever. I’m loving the learning process…and it isn’t without HEART.
But it is without compromise.
I’m making it my goal to live in authenticity now. On Sunday afternoon I offered to hang out, I told him I missed him and enjoyed his company when asked, “Why?” Since when do you need a reason to see your friends? On the night I was robbed, I actually was on my way to meet him downtown for an impromptu photo shoot that he asked me to be apart of. He wanted me to be his creative muse and I enthusiastically agreed.
So what happened from Tuesday to Sunday? He said our “personalities aren’t compatible” and he’s “only hanging out with the new woman he’s dating.” Lol. How sweet…and stupid if you ask me. Later he confesses: “It’s really just you who I’m cutting off.”
I calmly, with a hint of indignance, told him his reason for deciding to “cut off” our friendship and “end all creative collaborations” was dishonest and inauthentic, and that I’d be here for when he realizes the mistake he made.
Just because I’m empathic doesn’t mean I’m going to take responsibility for your feelings.
I know this pattern. But I’m not going to take his stuff on like the empath I know myself to be usually would, and claim it for her own.
By saying you don’t want a friendship with me because I don’t want to be sexual with you is like saying that sex is all I have to offer. We all know that’s insane.
I’m claiming THIS BODY to share with whomever I see fit as my own, and women are doing this by the thousands; more and more each day. We’re doing it without the slightest bit of apology, either.
So any men who feel entitled to women’s bodies might want to leave the planet now.
You’ll be in a world of hurt until you realize that women don’t owe you a thing, and you’d be better off being patient and waiting your turn – if you’re ever granted one.