Men who feel entitled to women’s bodies may want to leave the planet now

Last night, I lost a friend.

It was his choice.

And actually, he did me a favor.

I told him how he would fit in my life.

He felt resentful of the fact that he does not have access to my body in the way he would like. I had made an executive decision that despite a bit of chemistry that may have existed when we first met (he was there, nice, clean, fun, a gentleman- and I wanted a little bit of foreplay), we were to remain as friends and work on creative collaborations together.

I gently advised him that continuing to pursue a sexual relationship with me would be more trouble than it is worth right now. Quite simply, no. That’s not all I did say, but that’s all I should have had to.

A creative partnership and friendship would be the perfect arrangement for me, and he agreed to it. We were having fun together ever since, or so I thought.

I thought I could manage his desperation.

Although he is a Cancer who pushes women away with the faint odor of desperation at times, he is a sweet boy.  Because I sensed this early on, I knew that the cost to be intimate with him would be too high for me at the time; and on top of that, I just wasn’t attracted enough to him for his desire for me to override my choice. Nothing can override my choice. He would demand more than I could ever give, and this would make me disrespect him in the future, I just knew that pattern all too well.

He said he agreed to my decision. We would talk, uplift each other, laugh, attend parties, and talk about spirituality and creativity. I would advise him on other women he was relating with. There were even moments when he comforted me when I cried about tragedy and trauma, like my past relationship and recent robbery.

I had noticed red flags of passive aggressiveness as well. But, I let it go in the name of forgiveness. I would confront these problems head on, taking the emotional lead in our friendship that was budding and blossoming – or so I thought.

The problems arose when he would hint that there was still some lingering sexual attraction between us – I promptly assured him there was not.

I was merciful, I didn’t tell him all the reasons why, but while speaking to a very wise friend last night she said this, “It’s kind of like that person’s expression a mutual desire that isn’t really there makes them even less attractive, because it’s like they’re not acknowledging that your “No” is valid…”

No is a complete sentence.

This isn’t one of those situations where I don’t want someone because they want me, no, it’s the idea that a man thinks he can change a woman’s mind, MY mind, by simply expressing his upset over the fact that I chose what role he’d play in my life. I took his words of agreement at face value.

I was wrong.

He was lying to me and himself the whole time. Some men are just not emotionally mature enough to stay in their place and wait for the right time or situation to have all their wishes granted and more.

Who knows? My feelings may have changed. But they would have changed when I said so.

I try to manage my relationships with strategy and heart.

I ration out sexual attention to whomever I choose and I’m strategic and calculated about it for a reason. I manage expectations and I’m learning to do this more skillfully than ever. I’m loving the learning process…and it isn’t without HEART.

But it is without compromise.

I’m making it my goal to live in authenticity now. On Sunday afternoon I offered to hang out, I told him I missed him and enjoyed his company when asked, “Why?”  Since when do you need a reason to see your friends? On the night I was robbed, I actually was on my way to meet him downtown for an impromptu photo shoot that he asked me to be apart of. He wanted me to be his creative muse and I enthusiastically agreed.

So what happened from Tuesday to Sunday? He said our “personalities aren’t compatible” and he’s “only hanging out with the new woman he’s dating.” Lol. How sweet…and stupid if you ask me. Later he confesses: “It’s really just you who I’m cutting off.”

I calmly, with a hint of indignance, told him his reason for deciding to “cut off” our friendship and “end all creative collaborations” was dishonest and inauthentic, and that I’d be here for when he realizes the mistake he made.

Just because I’m empathic doesn’t mean I’m going to take responsibility for your feelings.

I know this pattern. But I’m not going to take his stuff on like the empath I know myself to be usually would, and claim it for her own.

By saying you don’t want a friendship with me because I don’t want to be sexual with you is like saying that sex is all I have to offer. We all know that’s insane.

I’m claiming THIS BODY to share with whomever I see fit as my own, and women are doing this by the thousands; more and more each day. We’re doing it without the slightest bit of apology, either.

So any men who feel entitled to women’s bodies might want to leave the planet now. 

You’ll be in a world of hurt until you realize that women don’t owe you a thing, and you’d be better off being patient and waiting your turn – if you’re ever granted one.



My Top Self-Care Ritual Essentials

After a long much needed hiatus, I think this is a perfect interlude. I’ve been streaming in and out of self care. I think this is a fitting post by a most gifted writer, Tashia Ariel. Enjoy!

Earth Wind & Curls

*singing in best Ledisi voice* Beeee good…to yourselffffff.

Happy New Moon Night! Sistas, how y’all feel! Brothas, y’all are alright?

Since becoming a full-time entrepreneur, one important thing has become pretty paramount in this new life that I am still adjusting to. Nurturing yourself is of the UTMOST importance. 

To be honest, it’s something that I should’ve gotten better at while still in Corporate America, but when you are finally in control of your days and how you want them to flow, it becomes a lesson in really facing yourself…with EVERYTHING. The good, bad and in-betweens. Everything is out in the open because now YOU have the power to create your life with every given moment and thought in a more purposeful way than you did before. It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, it’s uncomfortable, it’s unavoidable.

With the many things we’re faced with, it’s SO so easy to be super hard…

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How My Uterus Led Me to Raw, Living, Sprouted, Super Foods!

I want to start going high raw today!



Mid-April 2008.  My gynecologist told me my uterine fibroid tumors (aka “fibroids”) had grown to a size equaling a 16-week fetus.  Lots of women — 25% of all women, 50% of Black women — have fibroids.  Not a biggie.  But carrying the equivalent of a 4-month old fetus can start to affect your quality of life.  (And I don’t just mean being denied a flat stomach!)  I had been enduring pain and “inconveniences” for awhile, and my doctor advised me to have the tumors surgically removed.  Well, I might have considered that as an option… until she explained the procedure:

First, my uterus (a woman’s is normally the size and shape of an upside down pear) would be lifted out of my lower abdomen and placed on top of my stomach where it would then be manually searched for the hardened growths that are to be cut away.  She compared this to pinching and squeezing a pillow with your fingers to find…

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What the F*CK Have I Been Doing?

…Yeah? Why haven’t I been posting every day?

The format of this blog has been changing, and is about to change ever more.

I don’t want to upload it with a bunch of crap.

It started as funny commentary on some global happenings, (see my first blog post ever) about the Slave Memorial, and soon exploded into a funny following of me, my life, my fucked up relationships, and my spirituality.

I’m not stopping. And now, more than ever, I have space, time, and opportunity to express myself, daily.

Fuck grammar and rules. This is about consistency.

I keep about 5 journals about various aspects of my life. Some of the details get really gritty as you’ve seen me talk in depth about my  birth control pill debacle (which I now have reason to believe was an early miscarriage. No I was NOT happy about that.) This is also the infamous Topfreedom post which got me the most hits ever. (Surprise, surprise.)

If you haven’t noticed I like talking about things that people shy away from because it’s why I was BORN. My life story is a gift for people to learn from but inevitably people will judge. I started this blog as a way to get my voice out. Then it turned into a story of my journey to finding love….well what I didn’t know was….I’m still finding myself and that’s the only journey I’ll ever need to embark on.

Stay tuned! It may get messy….


Dru Hill Talks Music and Multiple Loves

Dru Hill performed at B.B. Kings on Saturday, August 24th and they reminded me that the importance of live performance in the is undeniable. All of the commitment to the craft comes to light on stage. The true test of a performing artist is the stage. Dru Hill passed with flying colors.

The members of Dru Hill are sex symbols in their own right. Jazz is like “Big Sexy,” a huggable teddy bear, Tao is a sensual thug (who can probably sing you to tantric orgasm), Sisqo is the dynamo and beating heart of the group, and then there’s Nokio, the mysterious and sexy mad scientist and producer.

When it came to wooing the ladies in the audience, they delivered, calling a woman up to the stage and singing to her while we all screamed like they were singing directly to us.

Jazz took us to church on his solo on the number one R&B single “Never Make a Promise.” When they performed “How Deep Is Your Love” I became overwhelmed with yang energy, and “These Are the Times” opened up my heart chakra immensely. “Beauty” took me down memory lane. It’s one of the most flattering, soothing and melodic songs ever written about the enchanting mystery of a woman.

They also covered equally unforgettable classics like Mint Condition’s “Pretty Brown Eyes,” Jodeci’s “Forever My Lady,” Blackstreet’s “Before I Let Go” and ended with a finale of their hit “5 Steps.” Although we wished they could bless us with more and more encores, we all left excited and full.

I was happy to talk to them about their many years in music and of course, love.

Why the long absence? Nokio explains that when they got back together in 2008, they had to transition from restructuring the group to touring, letting Tao find his niche in the group. He didn’t mention his brother, former group member Woody, and I didn’t ask.  He was a foundation and always remembered by fans who have been supporting Dru Hill from day one. Tonight was all about the now, being present, and celebrating the future that fans will help to create with their love and appreciation.

Not to analyze all of their previous hits because we all know of their impact and how they touched our hearts. But I think it’s important to remember one of the reasons why we ever fell in love with Dru Hill’s music in the first place: the honesty and emotional vulnerability expressed in their lyrics. I think they were ahead of their time when it comes to artistically representing relationships. “These Are The Times” is a perfect example of unconditional love with the line, “no pressure from you, and none from me.” Isn’t that what we all want in our relationships and in our lives…freedom?

“I Love You,” accompanied by a heartbreaking video, gives the most beautiful line by someone expressing their true capability of lasting love: “even though I said that you should leave me, I want another chance just to adore you.” Isn’t that what true worship is? Gratefully accepting the opportunity to simply bask in the other person’s presence?

Speaking of relationships… “You guys are sex symbols,” I ask. How do you feel about new paradigm relationships, like poly and open relationships?”

Tao answers first, “I go with the flow.”  Previously married, having experienced a long term relationship, and now single, he goes on to express a Zen stance on the topic: “live how you live, as long as you’re happy.” This is the little known secret to a long and stress-free life: don’t judge.

Jazz playfully sang his answer, “Jazz is the man when it comes to ladies…!” a bit of a verse from one of their songs entitled “I’ll Be the One.” He explains that he’s been around the world, and each situation defines itself… “Many people don’t feel they wanna be tied down.” Of his own experience with relationships he says, “Being a star, there were points where I couldn’t lock anyone down. It depends on the relationship,” he concludes.

Sisqo kept it pure and simple in his B-More accent “I’m married to music, I love her.”

And Nokio, ever a man of few words calmly states, “I plead the 5th.”  He’s a private person who “loves women.” Quiet as it’s kept, still waters run the deepest. (Ok I’m biased, I always fall for the quiet ones.)

I asked Sisqo, what was up with the country music reality show? Was it just a matter of jumping on the reality show bandwagon? “It was the highest rated show in Country Music Channel’s history.” He did it to prove a valid point. “I’m a musician, and it’s about the music.” He goes on to explain that a lot of general audiences were looking at him as “Sisqo the Rapper,” but no person who has followed Sisqo’s career could ever say that he’s ever been anything other than the quintessential modern R&B singer.

The latest album InDRUpendence Day begins with dance oriented songs like “Do It Again” tinged with auto-tune and turns into a more classic and familiar type of R&B with “What You Do.” I liked it a few seconds in, and the cherry on top is the nasty little rap by Nokio. Sexy slow jams on the album begin with “State of Emergency,” a song enriched with all kinds of much appreciated sexual innuendos and double meanings. “Remain Silent” narrates a naughty arrest, a call for submission which speaks to the deepest part of a woman as she is commanded to “spread ‘em.” “Love MD” segues smoothly into the part of the album where the guys pour out their hearts and lay it all on the line to save their relationships. The album ends with a refreshing cover of “Rule the World.” It’s spiritual, humanitarian, and all about love. Tao helps close the song by performing a beautiful run in his powerful soprano (notes I can only hit when in the pinnacle of ecstasy).

Despite them leaving us for a while, when it comes to classics that stand through time, vocal talent, artistic growth as musicians, and a relatable style that millions of fans have come to love, Dru Hill is the truth. Nokio sums it up in a few words on his speech in “Rule the World:” we’ve come a long way as a group…this signifies unity. And please–don’t call it a comeback.

Photo: Helese and Dru Hill Tao, Jazz, Nokio, and Sisqo. Taken by Calico Olu.Image

Celebrities, Culture, International Relations, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Politics/World Issues, Race Relations, Sex, Uncategorized

Pre-Election Day Dreams: President Obama Saw Me Naked

long braids implied nude

Maybe there are some suppressed sexual implications for my dream of being naked in front of President Obama…I mean, who doesn’t have a crush on the man? Hence my flirty shoulder and smile 😉

Yeah right! In my dreams! No, really, it was:

I was at my grandmothers house in the backyard, completely nude. My brown thick yet long and slender body was glistening in the late afternoon Georgian Sun. Somehow President Obama with his entire family, the first lady and the two girls, pulled up in a car. I don’t know how an entire street ended up in my Grandmother’s backyard,  but that’s besides the point: the President saw me naked! He motioned with his head to the two girls in the car, as if to say all cool like, “What are you doing, put your clothes back on!” The girls were eating McDonald’s of all things, it was as if they were on some type of road trip. (Maybe just to see me!) Michelle looked a little confused as to what was going on, but she wasn’t outraged, just going with a flow, a study in femininity.

He got out of the car to deal with the um, situation, of me being naked. Or maybe he just wanted to stretch his legs for the pit stop, because that’s the last anyone else in the dream even mentioned anything about my me being bare. I’m not sure if anyone else in the dream ever saw me, but I was starstruck. I couldn’t believe the President was here, to see me, and let alone I was naked. This was such an epic moment! I wondered if he knew about my topfreedom movement and my quest for love and personal liberation. And full nudity is something l’ve always wanted to try in public as well; being that I was in a private setting (although I can’t really imagine doing it at my Grandmother’s house) this was a perfect place to test out how I felt in my own  skin in a literal sense. I just knew I’d get an interview with him and this would make my hits online soar. I walked up the stairs to the laundry room of my Grandmother’s back porch, which is an extension of the kitchen where she also keeps her freshly baked cakes and pies, and went to tell the rest of the family like my aunt and my…Grandfather? He transitioned several years ago in July 2008… yet he was alive, shiny, dark, thriving, tall, and very REAL in my dream. I’ve dreamt of him before and he was always at peace. He actually pulled the President aside and said “Come here son, let me talk to you for a minute.” He put his arm around him and they began to walk away to exchange father and son like murmurs, and the most touching thing about it was that President Obama was totally receptive, respectful, and eager to learn from an elder Black man who was a political legend in his own right in the small town of Commerce, Georgia. (Riley Harris was a politician, preacher, veteran, father, husband, grandfather, writer, and he built my Grandma’s and his house with his own two hands. He was my hero and I supposed that’s why he shows up in my dreams ever so often, a symbol of what my “dream man” would be.)

Another strange part of the dream I was in the salon, my hair was dyed (I promised myself in my waking life that I would never do that again) and I was pressing it (also banned). While this was going on, suddenly I COMPLETELY lost my hearing. It was quite strange. I could see people’s lips moving, but I couldn’t hear anything: The whir of the blowdryers, the click clacking of the hot curlers (suspiciously similar to the sound of the overseer’s horse’s hooves on plantation hard-packed dirt roads), or the senseless gossip. Then without warning-It came back.

So there you have it: President Obama and Helese, who was naked. Go figure! If anyone interprets dreams I’d be happy to hear what you think of this one. Care to find out more about what goes on in the depths of my subconscious mind? I might continue sharing my dream life if this post gets enough comments!

Culture, Events, International Relations, Life, New York City, Personal Liberation, Politics/World Issues, Race Relations, Technology, Uncategorized

This Friday Live: Radio Show will Discuss T.I.T.S. Movement and The Social Politics of Black Female Sexuality

My deepest fears of ridicule by the intellectual and academic world are being obliterated now that on this Friday, September 7th, 2012 I will be interviewed by Dr. Richard Cooper for his show “Karamu” (which means “feast” as in “food for thought,” click on his name for his bio), along with the former Director of the Human Sexuality Dept. at Widener University in Philadelphia, and more. Many students from the graduate program of Human Sexuality/Social work will be calling in to express their views. See the piece to be discussed, “Topfreedom: The Right to Bare Breasts” here. It promises to be TITillating!!!  Details outlined below:


Date: Friday September 7, 2o12

Time: 4:00PM EST

Show: 900 AM Wurd (http://www.900amwurd.com)

How Listen/Ask a Question: Call 866-361-0900 or 215-634-8065 or go to http://www.900amwurd.com and CLICK ON PLAY BUTTON in the red banner at the top of the station’s website to stream LIVE! But you can’t join the conversation unless you call! 

I trust all of you will listen in and post your comments here. Again thank you for your support on my quest to raise important questions and seek personal liberation. Join me!

Update on 9/12/12: THE SHOW WENT WELL! Unfortunately,  the former Director of the Human Sexuality Dept. at Widener University in Philadelphia could not join us. Stay tuned for the recording of the show, as I will be sharing it with you as soon as it becomes available for listeners who missed it. Thanks again for the support!

Update on 5/3/2020: Going through my archives, removing the topfree photos as I feel they’ve done their work. There’s no link to that radio show now but you can listen to my very new podcast here. I can smell you following now…😊

Culture, Life, New York City, Politics/World Issues, Sex, Uncategorized

Support and Attacks on Topfreedom and the T.I.T.S. Movement

As it stands, T.I.T.S. is a movement of one, physically. Although, in spirit, and through the power of their complaints, people are supporting or attacking the Right to Bare Breasts. I was almost arrested today. I quoted laws to the offending officers but none of that worked. The cops rolled up behind me while I was chillin, minding my business on a bench on the Promenade in Brooklyn Heights, and told me that I could be arrested for endangering the welfare of a child because their parents were complaining about me being topless. They said they had about 10 or 20 people complain, and if they had waited, it could have been 50. I explained that children are not being harmed, and I am exercising my right. Besides, children breast feed up until 2 or 3 at times. They were angry and frustrated and said that I wasn’t using “common sense.” I guess today was a test, because this was my second day to do this on that location, and I wasn’t bothered before, but I quieted my solar plexus, my will, and I used my head and calculated what the physical, emotional, monetary, and long-term costs would be to be arrested at this time. Output=not worth it. Maybe another day, but I still refused to agree with their reasons as to why I should put my top back on. They asked for my ID, and I said “I’m complying by putting my clothes on, so I don’t understand why you would need that.” Today, I understood the power of threats and intimidation to get compliance. I had no fear, I just didn’t feel it would be worth it to go through the discomfort of being arrested. I suffered a migraine and emotional pain all night, thinking about the man who I would soon decide to let go, for my own good and his. I’m sure he won’t miss the long texts of me explaining how my needs aren’t being met, and I will enjoy the power of balance, discernment, and exercising my right to end the relationship. He actually told me the other day “You don’t make the rules here.” But what he failed to realize is….I DO, I WILL…and most importantly I AM THAT I AM. I created him, so I can create another reality. It really is my right. I choose to put my metaphorical top on and leave the park of that situation crying, just like I did today in real life, knowing in both situations that I avoided a totally unnecessary uncomfortable situation. Sometimes the growth from situations can come from making a choice NOT to go through something. There are many ways to learn.

Anywho, on a positive nod to the movement, please check out a very POWERFUL response from India Olowokande-Ame’ye:

 I am so excited to catch up on all this. Thank you Itheopiah Chiamaka you too are very powerful…I peeped yr goddess a long time ago ;). no I haven’t done much of anything on the internet. I had to take a break from photographing and filming and sit quietly, alone…for a few months. Gave myself full permission to do that. But I’m cumming out my yoni temple soon, soon. Also I’m finalizing my book, and things are happening offline. I’m abt to go get a glass of wine and check this out. Thank u, I love when black women bare our breasts and write about it. We are meant to be alive and loving outloud and all that juicy jazz. So just seeing yr picture magnetized mah lil smile, u have no idea! Xo…Wow, just watched your brilliance and I’m sooo moved by your candidness, commitment, and sincerity. What an honor and pleasure to read your words and watch the accompanying video in all its rawness. I tell ya, I appreciate your movement and courage to do what u are doing. Now u got me thinking abt the “laws” and knowing my rights and honoring my right to do so. I am out of doors, topless at minimum, at least once a day and I do believe that breasts are powerlines to the divine, and when I started taking time to allow them to feel the sun, wind, rain, clouds, grass, rocks, trees, wata, red clay ,u name it..that’s really when they began to come alive again, carrying tremendous life force energy. I don’t wear bras and stopped wearing them abt six or seven years ago and my breasts sit how they sit…plus I command them to do so u know. I tell my body how I want it to be. The mind has great command ova the anatomy and how smart the bra companies and BIG Pharma (because bras have been linked to breast cancer) are to make (some) women believe if we stop wearing bras our gorgeous breasts will sag, etc..as if 1. Its true 2. There is something “wrong” with breasts that fall….when breasts that fall are lovely and can contain just as much life as breasts that sit high. Also many women believe that their breasts will fall with age or childbirth….the body does whateva the owner thinks and feels it should do…that is the silent command we have ova ourselves. I love my breasts…omg …do I. Yes honeys I do…and my breasts know it too and that get all happy when I talk with them, rub them, kiss them, set them free, and tell them what to do. Girl I’m over the moon and off topic now, but I just love u Helese and I love what u are doing. I nearly in tears typing. Wheeee! Xo

I couldn’t have said it better. This woman is one of my role models. She so eloquently stated my reasons why I choose to bare my breasts and the healing therein. Even though I “stood down” today, movement won’t stop-today I chose to be water, not earth, and comply to fit into the container of this FUCKED UP SOCIETY….But the movement won’t end. Tied to my personal liberation, it has only just begun.


Nature is the New “Church”

Since living in New York, I have come across many different spiritual ideologies. Some of them I’ve sought out, some of them have found me. I have explored everything from Christianity (which is the religion I grew up in) to Gnostic Christianity, to Nation of Islam to Orthodox Islam, to Atheism to Buddhism, from New Ageism to Kemeticism, even looking up the virtues of Satanism and Black Magick.

It’s funny, I believe everything, every event, every thought, every whim has a spiritual root or is somehow divine, and so I have to say that even me arriving to live in NYC was a sort of divine synchronicity. I went to school here for one year and studied Theater, or at least, that was my major (I didn’t study much theater, I was too busy experiencing my life as one big performance). Then at the end of the school year I realized that I didn’t do anything during the year to secure my stay in the city. But boy, did I want to stay. I made friends that I didn’t wanna lose contact with, and I was building my dreams in the best place in the world. I tried to get a job at a restaurant as a hostess, and I totally blew the interview: I went out the night before and didn’t arrive until about an hour after it was supposed to start. It didn’t matter much though, an older guy who I was talking to at the time reassured me that he had made many mistakes as a younger man, I was only 18, and he told me if I really wanted to be here, I could still make it happen. I ended up going home anyway, because my parents couldn’t afford any summer classes, and I had a great aunt who wouldn’t let me stay with her either. Strangely enough (and this is why I stress patience and allowing in my life more than ever), God had a plan for me. All I could think about was living in New York permanently (although now I know nothing is permanent in this life) and soon I got my chance to see if I could really survive here on my own.

One day I went to a party with my sister, and a girl started to talk to me. I exchanged numbers with her, (even though I wasn’t into women at the time and I STILL am not into masculine women today) and over the next few days proceeded to talk her ear off on the phone. Somehow, my sister ended up talking to her. It just made more sense. One day, on the way to the girl’s house to hang out, my sister and I got into a car accident, in which someone rear ended her. We settled and our award was $1300. We split the money and went to a little physical therapy at a chiropractor’s office 3 times a week for the whiplash. It took a while for us to get our money, and in the meantime, I began talking on the phone with a guy who I went to college with. We always meant to hang out while we were in school but we never did. We talked for hours on the phone several times a week, and he told me a lot about his tumultuous childhood. He had been abandoned as a young boy in Nigeria, blah blah blah. He hated his Mom and believed all women who cheat should die. He called his last female roommate many names and labeled her a crackhead. He even called me one night to confess to me that he had thrown her up against the wall. When I was less than supportive, not judgmental but not particularly understanding why he would call me, he got upset and hung up on me. All red flags, I know now, but back then, nothing would stop me from living my dream. He and the girl were on bad terms, she moved out, they had a sexual relationship, me and him were more like brother and sister. I took my half of the settlement money, $650, and moved in the 2 bedroom apt with him. I moved out by the end of the month, but the events that transpired there is another story. (I’m writing a book.)

It’s the best decision I’ve ever made. During my pee break just now, I realized that I didn’t become a woman until about the age of 27 (now). I know that it’s a gradual process, and there are several epiphanies along the way to becoming a full blown woman or man or transgender person. But I really had been thinking like a girl even up until a few months ago. Over the years I have been initiated into new information that has helped me open my eyes in so many ways and has helped me see that I have so much power and responsibility over creating my life. They say a man defines his growth by his work life, and a woman defines the different periods in her life by the relationships she has. In my evolution, I have found this to be true. The most important relationship through all of this has been the one with myself, and I’ve been working on the one with God. (Is there a difference? Hmmmm…)

When I prayed about moving back to NYC, I made a deal with God. I promised that I would go to church if “he” could make this move happen. For about 8 years I didn’t step foot inside of one. I joined one in 2010 and I go a few times a year, when I get inspired. But lately, as a result of me seeking the truth about life and love, and following the path beaten centuries ago, I came across some rituals and ceremonies that totally align with where I’m at right now, to integrate my spirit self with my human, and to be more connected to the Earth. This is what led me to write this on the night of the last eclipse. Nature and I are really getting cozy.

I have realized my church now is nature. I was determined to see this eclipse tonight, but where I live you can’t see any stars, nor the moon. So I proceeded to go to the river. This is what I felt; my interpretation. I feel the need to make that very clear disclaimer, even though I shouldn’t have to.

At first I looked for the moon and it wasn’t there so I just walked and prayed to the water, thanking her, thanking God, acknowledging that it’s all one, and I got into that space. I was full of gratitude. After I prayed I kind of went into a trance for a minute and felt a strong pressure in my third eye. I didn’t quite leave my body or anything, but I felt more aware after that.

Then I felt led to go to the place where I buried my list of 10 things I wanted to manifest in the ground. I prayed that it would grow like a tree as I laid hands over it and spoke my intentions into it. I went to the trees and I acknowledged their beauty and all they give and the fact that they are living creatures. They DO have feelings and they CAN communicate with us. They feel nurturing to us, in a service kind of way, kind of like maternal. Trees, plants shrubs are very feminine creatures. They said they do not feel pain like we do, yet when someone scratches their name into them, they take it as a loss. They see us as children who do not know what to do with them, or do not know how smart they are. They said they are rarely violent, but do we think they don’t fall on houses on purpose during hurricanes? Hmmm (smile). They also have different “personalities.” I feel like different shrubs and trees’ temperaments match how they look. They also expressed to me that they like for us to touch them, caress them, just like a pet, but not peel their bark haphazardly and break branches as such. If we are using their wood or other parts for use, it’s not like they’re like “Yay!” but they see it as a sacrifice for the common good. Like I said, trees are very maternal in that way.

So that’s what I came away with. And I felt so connected with nature after that. Nature is my new “church.”

P.S.: Long ago when I considered getting inked, I thought of getting “nature girl” tatooed on my ass, with a nude picture of me laying in grass or something. It’s still an option.