Friendship, Life, Mental Health, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sprituality

What all Millenials need to hear about rejection

millenials_ _You are right where you're supposed to be_ love, the Universe

Perusing social media as an empath means feeling and filtering the many emotions of fellow Millenials. I hear so many of us expressing the same sentiments about rejection. We are losing friends and feeling rejected by lovers, we’re rejecting what was expected of us in life, and we’re rejecting the lives that we’ve built before truly knowing ourselves.

This post is a stream-of-consciousness of a few words of wisdom that will focus on rejection regarding friendships and life paths.

I feel like so many of us need to hear:
“You are right where you’re supposed to be.”
If a friend no longer needs you – let them go.
Take the subtle hints – no means no.
Maybe means no.
Ambivalence means no.
Why would you want anyone in your life who isn’t an emphatic yes?
Even Jesus spit out the lukewarm water.
If you accept that, it is a reflection of your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s not a judgment, just a fact.

Don’t waste your time asking yourself repeatedly, “Was I the one in the wrong?” Am I not good enough?” The answer is not important. What’s important is that you always maintain your relationship with yourself and God, The Universe, and your higher self.

I know it’s not easy. For some, this blog post will be useless, and for some it will be a gentle reminder.
If you don’t know how to start a relationship with yourself or God, what I have found is that a simple willingness to have one is all it takes. There are no special rituals, questions, mantras, or actions you need to take.
If God and the Universe are loving, why would they make it impossible to be happy without them, and then turn around and make it difficult and complicated?

I’ve learned, through my spiritual journey, to reject all teachings that make it complicated to find God. God is within and is experienced as Love.

Now back to friendships. I’ve had many friends desert me in life and I didn’t understand it then, but I respect it now.
It was time for them to move on from me, and if I’d been only a bit more self-aware…I’d have heard the message loud and clear – and fell back.
They didn’t owe me an explanation. Only respect. I didn’t really need them, only God, and everyone has access to God. So they never really hurt me.
Hindsight is everything.

Remember: rejection is redirection, protection, and preparation – for someone else to come and fill that void in your life.

Rejection comes in many forms. You may be rejecting a certain paradigm.
If you don’t love your life anymore – step out on faith, follow and trust your gut. It may get harder before it gets better.
And this is what nobody wants to talk about or hear:

Many people die on the path – but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful or any more avoidable.

Yes, you may get rich in any area of your life – or die trying.
But you don’t stop trying.
Or if you do, that’s OK too. Just try to drink in every moment.
Love,
Star
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Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex

Timeless, Title-less Love (My Story of Having Relationships with No Titles) Pt. 1

gift-habeshaw-fVMMyFl4YqM-unsplashNote: This was written about six years ago from the date of publication. And I think I published it 3 years ago but took it down. It’s a good piece and the updates are ironic… I might even have to do a part 2 for this one! 

 

I have not written in a while. I moved from the state I was living in after 12 years with not many clothes in tow, and apparently I developed a relationship thereafter, and also started a new business. I’ve started school, got a little p/t job, took a leave from that job, reconnected with a few old friends, traveled, started driving, and released the need to call it anything but happiness and bliss.

 

That’s right. I have a new epiphany about naming things. While listening to Michael Jackson’s new album I realized that my most recent relationship transition reflects this song:

 

 

A place with love and happiness, a place that you don’t want to leave, and it has no name.

 

My current partner told me today that he wanted to be friends.

 

And I realized that it’s what I want to. He told me he loves me, and I still love him, so I thought, really this is the best of all worlds.

 

See, I should have learned this from my last relationship, but I guess I’m putting the nail in the coffin for this lesson:

Titles don’t get you Love. Only Love can get you that.

 

Somehow, in That One Moment,  every obligation towards him and all expectations of how the relationship was supposed to be was dropped. I was imprisoning myself with thoughts that I could never be the woman he wanted me to be in all the ways he wanted me to be.

 

I compared myself with other women in and out of his life, and I even started to care about his whereabouts a whole lot more than I ever like to care about anyone’s. You may call it crazy, but I call it a fucking miracle that I was able to release those negative thoughts, for the most part, in an instant, with the words: “Let’s just be friends.”

 

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced this with a love in my life. It happened with my first boyfriend, who was ironically named Mychal Jackson!

 

(Lol omg I totally just realized the synchronicity, Thank You Universe.)

 

We were cool for so long, telepathically connected, and very much in love, however, there were certain things as a middle schooler that I just could not give this high schooler.  And then I had an attitude, the pressure was building, I met a girl he was cheating on me with at the skating rink, (literally bumped into her in line and we plotted to confront him once we got inside, lol) Finally, I broke up with him.

 

Then we became friends. And our relationship became sweeter and more solid than ever before.

 

Then, in a more previous adult relationship, I was building with a man who told me that he couldn’t even put a title on what we were. He said something to the effect that what we had was undefinable. I was stuck on wanting to know “what are we” at that point, and I learned from that relationship that you can eventually be the “girlfriend” and still get shitted on.

 

Then I had other boyfriends and I was more unhappy in the relationship than out of them. Same person, same city, different “relationship status.” I learned to stop asking for the title and to ask God for the person who would bring the Love that I too was so ready to share.

 

From that point, I never cared about having a title between the person and I, although I still dealt with ownership, jealousy, and insecurities that reared their ugly head with a fervency that I had never known existed within me before. (Let the shadow work begin.)

 

Now, I have new goals that are evolving every day. Instead of wanting to be some man’s “piece” I focus on the type of woman I want to be. Sometimes I get sidetracked, but I am learning to correct the mistake of believing that someone else, even a loving man whom I adore, is responsible for my happiness 24/7 or even for a minute.

 

My current situation has taught me that I still have work to do in this area, but that is one thing I admire about myself: I never give up on the work of continually discovering who I am. Nothing makes me waver from that.

 

I do believe the new/old adage is true: “Relationships don’t end, they just transition.”

 

And I feel a sweetness in the surrender, in following his lead, in trusting the Universe’s path of least resistance. I feel certain in trusting that this was my answer to my prayer of what to do (which was really just to trust and let go). I feel secure in the feeling of me standing by my principles to do all of the above.

 

I feel good in the release of the pressure of feeling like certain things had to be done by him, and by me, rather than just enjoying each other’s company, attention, and love for each other. And being okay with him being an autonomous person who wants to do what he wants, because I want the same freedom from him. (We often give our friends way more freedom than we do our partners. Somehow, our partners are more like our prisoners than a true person who we trust to do what’s best for their own growth.) It feels so good to know that without the prospect of being “in a relationship” that I am not afraid to lose his love, which I was so afraid of when we were “more than friends.”

It feels really good to know that I’ll always have Love. And that’s real. Timeless, Title-less Love.

Note: Stay tuned for Part 2, 2019 version! I got updates on ALL OF THIS!

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ADHD, and Relationships, Dating, Friendship, Life, Mental Health

ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation – What Doctors Say and How It Really Feels [w/VIDEO]

Whether you know it or not, ADHD affects our emotions in major ways.

 

 

I did a YouTube video about how I was still in shock from the diagnosis of ADHD. When I first got diagnosed, I subsequently did research and started learning so much more about ADHD than I ever had before. I want to break down a bit more about how ADHD affects our emotions.

 

Keep in mind, how this looks for me will look different for different people at different times. (I remember that phrase used to give me so much anxiety. I just wanted an answer, some direction, and I wanted it now! Now I understand just how different we all are, even if we share many of the same challenges).

 

 

What doctors say about how ADHD affects our emotions:

 

 

According to ADDitude magazine, a website catering to people who have and interact with people with ADD (now more commonly referred to as ADHD):

Challenges with emotions start in the brain itself. Sometimes the working memory impairments of ADHD allow a momentary emotion to become too strong, flooding the brain with one intense emotion. At other times, the person with ADHD seems insensitive or unaware of the emotions of others.

This statement was reviewed by ADDitude’s ADHD Medical Review Panel.

 

 

The publication names feelings like extreme sensitivity to disapproval, social anxiety and giving in to avoidance and denial (two of my favorite emotional dishes served together!) as results of the phenomenon that happens in the brain that is called emotional dysregulation.

 

(I want to stress that this happens in the brain and isn’t a conscious choice). They also mention how all of these emotional reactions can make it really hard to FOCUS AND GET STARTED ON WORK, or anything productive.

 

As I read and research, in my head I’m like, “I feel all of that doctors”. You can read the article for more details on how they say our emotions are affected by ADHD. But now I want to share how it feels to me.

 

I think it’s important to look at things from a wider point of view and to understand what’s already been written about ADHD, but to also really tune into how YOU experience whatever challenges and issues you’re going through.

 

 

What I say about ADHD affects my emotions:

 

 

Although there have been times where I feel that getting up and moving around can help me with overwhelming emotions,  I find that the emotional aspect of ADHD is a continual challenge for me.

 

In one instance that I can remember physical activity working, I had a boyfriend who yelled at me during an argument, and I just allowed myself to get extremely consumed with how upset he was at me. I worked off that feeling of powerlessness and anger by sweeping up the hair at the salon I worked at. I remember thinking “Work IS a savior.”

 

I felt like I was on the verge of doing something irrational, erratic and self-destructive because I didn’t feel HEARD, so I used physical work to distract me. (And not feeling heard is a theme I see coming up for me a LOT. I guess it’s one of my triggers.)

 

My new digital lifestyle makes it more challenging to do what works to shake off bad feelings faster – being physical.

 

 

Chalk it up to having such a free schedule and less structure. As a writer, and freelancer, most of my days and about 40%  – 60% of my time is spent being stuck (did I say stuck? I mean melded, by choice) to a computer or phone. Juggling multiple loving relationships with friends and semi-romantic partners means a lot of texting and social media.

 

In an attempt to get more done and be less distracted and consumed, I often take social media breaks from a few or all platforms for a while. But that still leaves texting. And when I get into passionate discussions, whether personal or about culture or other issues, I find myself getting really riled up and most recently have been looking at how I jump to conclusions that someone is saying something that they actually aren’t. Instead of asking what they mean, I rapidly respond in raging texts, and it has happened over and over again.

 

 

I get fixated on a phrase or word…mostly by text. And I get so stuck on what I think is being said that I don’t remind myself to first ask myself  “would this person who has proven through time, words and actions that they love me say what I think they’re saying?” I also stay seated and forget to get up, move around, and help calm and distract myself from that negative fixation with movement.

 

 

I had no idea that feeling like little things were “life and death” and that I had to respond to them RIGHT NOW was an aspect of ADHD.

 

 

I used to think of this as a testing behavior associated with what I think is my insecure anxious attachment style. And it might be. Through intense research (and experience, my Lord) I’ve found out that ADHD often travels with its buddies anxiety, bipolar, and more.

 

But now, I realize that even though I have learned to slow way way down and I have gotten so much better at my reactions, my brain still sees rejection and insult in so much of what others say.  I see it in women, colleagues, and associates as well. It gives me a pain in my chest. I just don’t let myself react to it the same way that I do with my partners. And what is most amazing is that I had no idea that this wasn’t what most people were thinking and feeling. When I express this feeling to others, they don’t express that they feel the same – unless they have anxiety!

 

Having emotionally intelligent partners helps me cope when my emotions get out of control.

 

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If I didn’t have emotionally sensitive men in my life – who knew how to tell me that what I was doing was hurting them, and the patience to hear me first make excuses, then later apologize, and then even later start to change the behavior  – they would not have the emotional intelligence to help me process my feelings. I’m not saying it’s perfect, but they have patience.

 

Having a creative outlet is essential to coping with the intense emotions of ADHD too.

 

Writing helps. And blogging, actually publishing my writing, helps me feel that all those emotions that don’t feel so good aren’t being felt for nothing. I put them in my art.

 

 

It was really important for me to learn about how emotional dysregulation or emotional hypersensitivity is tied to ADHD. It really helped me make sense of my overwhelming feelings and helped me stop blaming myself so I can focus on managing my reactions to my emotions.

 

Issa journey!

 

Stay up, Happy Dreamers. Love y’all.

Check out the video I did on ADHD and emotional dysregulation:

 

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Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

Celibacy, Jealousy, and The Most Important Relationship of All

headshot-october-2016

Sometimes I feel like I want a “relationship,” sometimes I don’t.

The truth is, I don’t ever want to be in relationship and yet, I am always IN relationship. (I left out the “s” on purpose. Relationship is a state of mind, a state of being.) The question is how I choose to show up.

As I’ve been thinking about becoming celibate, there’s the question of intimacy and sexuality.

I want to feel close to someone at various times. Who wouldn’t want connection? Who wouldn’t want to feel fun and abandon in one’s body? The question is, what will I choose to attach that idea of intimacy to in my mind? What meaning will I give it? Am I able to feel the fullness of sexuality and sensuality and intimacy in my life as a woman and refrain of actual sex?

I have realized that whatever I put as a condition for someone else is what I hold myself to.

I also think about my bouts with jealousy and possession that I’ve been prone in the past. When I imprison someone with jealousy and expectations, that has to come through me first in order to get to them. I’m no longer willing to subject myself to that first, mainly because it sucks for me.

I’m selfish like that.
If I choose to be exclusive with someone and I’m also celibate, by default they must be celibate too.

Am I willing to subject someone to that?  Are there men out there willing to share that journey with me? Do I want or need them to?

I care more about what I want now, more than ever. And it feels damn good.
I’m already entangled in relationships of various styles, connections of various levels. None really have strings attached as I learn to “manage my expectations.” It’s a fun ride letting go.

I’m probably deceiving myself when I say “I don’t know if I want a relationship.”

What I’m really saying is “I  don’t know if I’m willing to take someone with me on this very self-centered journey of self-love and development. I don’t want to own you because I’m not going to let you own me. I’m quite good right now.”

When I decide to commit to someone, they’ll have to take a second seat to who I’m already dating…the woman I am.
That’s the most important relationship of all.


					
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Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex

I’ve been friend zoned – And I like it

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Hard to believe, but I’ve been FRIEND ZONED! I just wrote about the friend zone and setting boundaries in relationships in my last post.

I’ve been talking about this for a while in this space, the blurred lines that can sometimes occur between friends when there’s an attraction. It’s often a thin tightrope to walk.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that if I were giving relationship advice, I would advise women to never tell a man from jump that they’re not going to be intimate with him if they have an initial attraction to him, unless there was a reason that you need to say it out loud and make it a point – that is, if he asks. Some things just don’t need to be said, and part of your power as a woman is living in that mystery that men find so alluring. Not because they find it alluring, but because it’s a part of your power.

Also, if there’s an initial attraction there, you might just change your mind, and you might want to exercise that option years later because friendships are built to last.

I’ve been intimate with a few of my really good male friends. Sometimes it was because of one night of overflowing passion that finally reached a breaking point, and others it’s because we tried to have a relationship and for some reason, decided against it.

Because the friendship was solid for years, I didn’t have to worry about losing someone or the energy becoming awkward indefinitely because we had sex. We were beyond silly games, and we respected each other enough to where we could talk about our needs.

I’m grateful for these relationships. They are stronger than ever before, now that I make it an intentional practice of nurturing long lasting friendships. Maybe I’ll write about that next week.

Maybe I’ll write about that next week. But THIS week tho! I’ll tell you how it all started. I’m pretty open on my Facebook page. I am rebranding, quite subtly, but I’m really only trying to reinforce positivity and love on my page. People take notice.

One person in particular did, and since I knew a few of the people he dated, I figured he was cool since he hasn’t been excommunicated from the community.

Mostly, I just follow my intuition on these matters.

I’m an Aquarius moon, so it’s natural for me to have friends from all over the world, from all walks of life.

He commented on some of my posts and we sparked up a conversation. Soon we were talking on the phone, and at this point, I still didn’t know exactly what he wanted from me. I knew this man was older, and he seemed to talk about money more than was tasteful. But what intrigued me was that he was taking a class to improve his business skills, while having already ran a profitable business for 4 years. I researched it and it seemed legit. Anyway, I wasn’t going to invest in his business or anything, which is now being dissolved I believe – but I’m very careful where I put my energy these days, any relationship I form is, in fact, and investment.

Our first conversation on one evening lasted hours, which didn’t say much because I can talk for hours with no problem. He did most of the talking anyway. I enjoyed listening. This is a skill I wanted to cultivate more skillfully for my own self-development. It’s been working. It’s funny how the Universe responds to your intentions – I’ve been meeting some serious big talkers lately. Refreshing.

So, he eventually invited me to a party, but I got robbed! Larceny was performed (funny way to put it) on my vehicle that week, so I didn’t go. Plus, I was tired. I didn’t feel like the drive, and I wasn’t quite sure about this one yet. I was sure that I wasn’t really attracted to him in the way of romance, but in my new practice of keeping silent until there’s a reason to speak up, I didn’t feel the need to mention it. I did ask what he expected, and he said he just wanted to chill. Being so forthright when speaking about how he dealt frankly with other women, I didn’t feel he’d feel the need to lie to me.

We didn’t speak for a while, then one day he texted me saying, “I want to speak to you about something.”

“Sure,” I texted back.He called me and said, “Listen, I wanted to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed our conversations, and I’d really like to keep you in my life – as a friend.”

He called me moments later and said, “Listen, I wanted to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed our conversations, and I’d really like to keep you in my life – as a friend.”

Well that gave me pause.

“And that requires a conversation?” I asked skeptically, with a bit of an attitude even.

“Well, actually… ”

And this is where it gets interesting

“…In this class I’ve been taking, they said one of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is to not express your intentions from the beginning. If you don’t, how can both parties’ expectations be aligned?”

This was definitely new for me. I didn’t think I could apply this piece of advice of telling him what  I wanted, until after I knew I actually wanted a romantic partnership with a man. Then slowly, but surely, (that’s the goal) I begin to give him more and more responsibility and see how he handles it. Only then can he be a viable partner in my life.

NOTE: Becuase I hate when bloggers are making it seem like they’re totally following all of their own rules and perfect at everything, I want to say that this was only what I learned AFTER screwing so many relationships up. I mean by putting ALL of the responsibility for my happiness on the other person, by actually getting UPSET that they had other things to do besides be with me (now, I actually LOVE busy, PRODUCTIVE men) and exploding into angry, emotional outbursts and pouring out my heart to them that I have abandonment issues that they’ve triggered by not calling me back. So yes, I HAVE MADE THESE MISTAKES and here you’ll see me LEARNING from them. That is all.

Now, back to me literally being friend zoned – this was happening and I didn’t even catch it – but I liked it!

Not only did it take the pressure off of me of wondering what this new man who wanted to be in life expected of the times we would hang out and enjoy each other’s company, but he was straight up about it. It was a verbal contract. There was no mystery – there didn’t need to be – we’re just friends.

And friendship is a beautiful thing. I’ll never devalue it again.

I didn’t feel slighted. I didn’t feel less attracted to him OR less attractive. I felt relieved and empowered.

Sooner or later I won’t care at all what men want from me, or other people in general. I’ll show up with what I’m ready to give and leave it at that.

But I’m still navigating approaching all of my relationships in a new way.

I take full responsibility for my feelings, and you take responsibility for yours. It IS a process.

And in the meantime, some clear boundaries don’t hurt. In fact, they actually help.

What should you take away from this? Maybe I’ll revise what I said earlier: establish what you want from the relationship as early as you know it – but don’t let anyone pressure you into making a decision before you’re ready.

The friend zone is a pretty comfortable place. Kick your feet up, and make yourself at home.

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and Relationships, Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality

My Own Jealousy Turns Me On. WTF?

That time I simultaneously felt jealousy and a sweet tingling in my pussy…WTF?

How could this be? How could I be turned on by a thought that scares me?

I used to punish myself and turn myself on with thoughts of my lover having sex with someone else. This is the first time I realized jealousy could be a tool. The fantasy would be him taking her in the bedroom while I sat outside of the room and cried. But yet, I was able to have some pretty good orgasms with this line of thought.

The man I’m seeing has a ton of female “friends.” Talldrankawater that he is I assume that every woman in his life who poses as a mere friend wants to sleep with him. Just like I assume that the men in my life want to sleep with me, talldrankawater that I am. Slight to severe jealousy is present into that current situation. I got rid of it for a while by wishing it away. But it came back.

I do a lot of projecting. Like all those times I assumed that all of my various boyfriends would love my best friend, and fall in love with her if they met her. I made sure they knew all of her great qualities and would have us all hang out. Of course, until I met the new guy through her. Then when I looked at the situation I realized that he had never given me any indication that he liked as anything more than a friend. No, really it was me who was harboring those feelings and couldn’t own them enough to own them. (I realize I repeated myself but that’s the best way I can explain it.)

Every woman I think is beautiful I immediately transfer those feelings to the man I’m seeing at the moment. Now, logic would tell you, since none of the men I have seen have really been like any of my friend’s boyfriends, and her are equally beautiful and intelligent yet not really alike. So why would I automatically assume that they would like her so much? Is it because I couldn’t really believe that they would truly appreciate me? Do they have to choose? Do I appreciate myself?

Learning to. Loving the journey.

None of them really seemed that interested in how they might feel about her, but they were very interested in how I felt. And I’m sure some even wondered why the hell I was doing this? Why was I so insistent on him meeting my friends? I still don’t know the answer to this question…I remember I hooked my first love up with his ex. You know, middle school shit. After I decided we were “better off as friends” (our relationship blossomed after we decided to break up) I really wanted to see him happy, with her. I loved her. Her name was Ashley, and she was just as crazy as me. Jealousy wasn’t as much of an issue because I loved her, and also because I never stopped my relationship with my ex.

It’s fascinating to get in touch with all of the sick and twisted contents in your own mind. Yeah, it’s really fascinating to know all the ways the mind will trick itself; soothe itself, and lie. Thinking about jealousy and all of its implications helps me really look at how I look at the world. Limiting beliefs, please exit stage right.

We are looking for the key to the house that we’re already in. It means that all that we need we are already inside of, and is inside of us. We have the answers. Start asking questions. Or, just get quiet. When I quieted my mind, I found four men in there. An old white man who looked like Santa Claus, a middle aged Indian man who had lived in this house before me, or was considering buying it, a transgender black man/woman, and a 30 something white man who is kind of pessimistic and still lives with his mother. They gave me truths. Looking like an image straight out of the En Vogue video “Free Your Mind,” clad in 6-inch stilettos and all black faux leather, and a feather head piece that reached down the the floor, DIVA, the transgender black man left me with this:

“Oooh honey! It’s good to get out of that box you call your mind.” -DIVA

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Art, Friendship, Life, Music, New York City, Personal Liberation, Politics/World Issues, Race Relations, Relationships, Sex, Sprituality, Technology, Travel

What Does it Mean to Be An Artist?: 30 Musings, 30 Days, Day 12

[on slowly discovering my abilities and talents]…It wasn’t until later that I realized that I could talk on and on for hours…and not get tired. Me, who had never traveled out of the United States and hadn’t had that many unique experiences, had never even had sex…but I had phone buddies who would tell me of conspiracies against the black man and in fact every american…and I would tell them about me….All about me…I didn’t understand it then…Snapshot_20120813_32

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Friendship, Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships

What Does it Mean to Be An Artist?: 30 Musings, 30 Days, Day 11

Me, as an artist…Well I guess I first discovered I had a “gift” when people would tell me their stories, deep happenings, abuses that would be hard to utter…they told ME…I have no idea why they told Me.

knightarts.org

knightarts.org

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Art, Culture, Friendship, Life, New York City, Nonprofit, Personal Liberation, Sprituality, Technology

What Does it Mean to Be An Artist?: 30 Days, 30 Musings, Day 8

Me and Calvin, my co host for "The Show" where we share our lives and more.

Me and Calvin, my co host for “The Show” where we share our lives and more.

To tell a story means to connect with someone by saying “Look, here’s my life, or a piece of it. Won’t you find yourself in it?” It’s really a gift to share and receive someone’s story.

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Art, Celebrities, Culture, Dating, Friendship, Important People, Life, Music, Nature, Nonprofit, Personal Liberation, Sex, Sprituality, Technology, Travel

What Does it Mean to Be An Artist?: 30 Musings, 30 Days, Day 1

what is it
What does it mean?
What does it mean to be an artist?
One thing that I know it means to be an artist is to make choices. Cut the fat. What do I want to say? Who do I want to say it to? Where is this coming from, and where is it going…what is…it?
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