In honor of the my most recent period, I want you all to have a glimpse into the kinda shit I talk about regarding it. Yes, I HIGHLY REGARD IT and it’s power. This post is featuring Graceful Empowerment, of www.gracefulempowerment.com, (Pussy Empowerment is her Facebook group)Armana Helese Fyuquin So….the current happenings with my womb choice happened right before my cycle Grace…and NOW I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO CLEAR
Armana Helese Fyuquin So, I created exactly what I feared. I always feared my wc wouldn’t attend the play I was in. And it happened. I started a silly argument a few days before, he wished me luck, was very sweet, but was no where to be found. He had a death in the fam, plus he didn’t know where him and I stood. I DEF feel like this weekend was highly charged emotionally. Now, after we talked, after the show closed, I think we both know where we stand now, in our feelings to each other. Now the WONDER WORKING BLOOD MUST CLEAR ALL THAT STUPID SILLY SELFISH PETTY DOUBT away
Armana Helese Fyuquin So, I am clearing the primary doubt which is the possibility of any disconnection to my source-which gives way to the secondary doubt which is the fact that i would conciously choose anything that isn’t for my growth, that i would choose to commit to ppl or situations that aren’t for my highest good, that i would attract someone who isn’t my reflection…so i chose someone good for me. i chose to do this ride as long as they were willing and he shows me he is willing. the third level of doubt is doubting HIS feelings for me. But those are born out of the primary doubt which is the failure to remember that i am always loved on everything by everything to everything ….
But…can you actually “do” Tantra?
Tonight, Oct. 17, 2013, I was with someone very special, Someone I hadn’t seen in a very long time. Or it had felt like it.
We talked, we connected, we smoked, we laughed, it was the edge of my foreplay.
We kissed, we knew we were to partake of one another’s essence, even if it wasn’t in the physical.
It started energetically. It was a need that I couldn’t quite explain to him but he felt it.
It was a void that he needed to fill.
It was more than just my pussy hole. It was my heart.
My sweet rivers of blood were running…so we knew what kind of night it would be. But I would still take him inside me.
He would draw a silent milk from my breasts, later he would provide a different type of milk for me to rub in.
When I took him deep, I truly took him deep inside of me, to the point where he felt different sensations that he hadn’t felt before.
He described how it felt for me to be wrapped around him and feel my essence drip down on him.
I took time with him. I asked him to trust me.
I hoped he would. It was a hurdle we got over.
It was clear. The hurt and pain had been washed away, along with the doubt.
The tears did it. And maybe the blood.
The wind…the breath.
Now, we were sure.
I was telling him things with my mind.
You know that you have everything within you to succeed. You are a King.
I moved my hands from his abdomen to his heart. I couldn’t take my hand away. My soul was speaking:
I couldn’t finish, I was simply imbuing him with me…with GOD.
We both felt it. And on the walk home, in the cool night air that I wished would last forever, that I wished would never go away and I remembered fun summer nights…I felt connected to everything.
This planet…when she bleeds I bleed.
Her fucking polluted waters are my blood running along my thighs like tiny rivers and streams, leaving me along with my fears.
She is cleansing, I am cleansing.
I am my Mother, I came from my Mother.
I speak the Tree Language.
Me and my baby take walks in the park for this reason.
My sister cramps and I pray silently that she embrace them and really transform her pain…like I did…like a Goddess.
This weekend was bitter sweet. The sweetness was I had the debut of my acting career (in Dionne Fairbanks) a play that ran for a weekend in New York City, Off Broadway, after 10 years. Many of you don’t know this but acting is what I came to New York to do. I never did though. I did many other things that I felt I enjoyed more, like modeling and singing…and most recently writing and blogging. It’s all my calling. I live to express.
The bitterness was man I’ve been sleeping with for the past few months wasn’t there to see this triumphant moment in my career. Long story. Actually, pretty short. Death in the family. It’s never expected. I didn’t know about this until the last day of the show. So you can imagine my pain. I was very disappointed.
Still the show had to go on, I had to go on.
So I put on my make up, my costume, my wig, and I took selfies until the pain subsided. I’ve come to terms with the fact that looking good and feeling sexy can help a thousand woes. I seriously have used makeup to improve my mood and I’m not ashamed of it. In an effortless attempt to be more naked emotionally and at a soul level I have stopped wearing foundation on my face. It improved my confidence in a deep way. For the stage though, I went through what used to be my daily ritual of applying foundation and 5 or 6 other pieces of makeup.
If you read in my erotica blog about my exercise in submission with a man I was involved with you will see how sexuality, femininity, and power all intertwine. I have never felt so powerful than when I was utilizing my sexuality. Maybe that’s why in my early 20’s (ooh! I feel so old…being able to say “early 20’s”) I was a fan of one night stands. Many times when I went out with the intention of having sex, choosing the partner, and bedding him, I felt great about it. I walked away lighter. I didn’t understand that sometimes it had spiritual repercussions. But there was something powerful about it.
Feeling bad in the morning (which I’ve started a 6th journal simply about how I feel when I wake up in the morning) can be remedied by getting dressed up and looking sexy that day. I like to be seen, complimented, and I like to feel beautiful, so it helps. Plus, after you apply your mascara…there’s no more time to cry. Still through the pretty, tears are shed. But at the end of the day you have to find the beauty in the ugliness. I feel comfortable in both. But I feel a major boost in my confidence when I emphasize all that makes me sexy.
…And the funny as hell slice of Brooklyn life film Newlyweeds is the result. Well, Director Shaka King would say it’s a “Stoner-drama-comedy-romance.”
It was all a dream… Or at least the film started with one. As a vivid dreamer, I could immediately relate to Nina (Trae Harris), the wispy free-spirited, thin-boned girlfriend of Lyle (Amari Cheatom), her non-upwardly mobile co-dependent yet loving boyfriend. Nina will become a Brooklyn style icon for sure, with her richly colored dark locs, vintage clothing, and bohemian jewelry. And that dope ass mask.
My first lesson from the movie was: Never rent furniture. Lyle and Jackie (Tone Tank) have hilarious scenes where they slew racial slurs at one another and repossess people’s furniture.
But no scratch that…The real lesson is…
Never get high before work. (Unless you’re an artist, which King let’s me know that, besides influencing the film’s story, his experiences with marijuana have opened him up artistically.)
But this movie isn’t so much about weed as it is about the ups and downs of life. Still, all of the smoking adds a nice touch. You learn about different types of weed, hash, and see new devices especially made for indulging in this medicinal herb.
The film is not hard to follow, although the it navigates through the main characters’ dream space back to his 3-dimensional reality quite seamlessly. Despite this it’s actually pretty straight forward.
In fact, what touched me most of all about this film was the dreaming. The sense of loss I know that Lyle felt when he was away from Nina and dreamt of her tugged on my heartstrings. I could feel the deep desire to want to give her something more than he could offer at the time. She was like his princess locked up in a castle. He would do anything to get to her, even if it meant making a fool of himself and ultimately being defeated by heartbreak.
I’ve been that princess more than once, and Lyle reminds me a lot of some of my exes. You see all of this potential in the man, and you see that even though Nina is sleeping on her potential as well, you just know that she will outgrow him. And you know that the relationship is dysfunctional and she will continue to manipulate him emotionally until they can no longer be in each others’ lives. She’ll never see the man that she helped him to be.
And we don’t see what Lyle will be, either. We only see what his hopes are for himself and Nina through his dreams. That’s what this movie was about for me. Dreams. Kendrick had a dream, Martin had a dream, and Director Shaka King obviously had a dream too: to make a movie that would be relatable, easy to watch, easy to get pulled in to, and even piss us off a little at the ending. Needless to say, as a Black woman, as an indie arts supporter, as a human being and artist, I’m proud.
Talking to Shaka about his artistic process, I see that this is the beginning of a life long love affair with film. He studied at Vasser and now is writing and directing full time. He deserves at least $100,000 for the making of this film, he says. “He’s not getting paid for his time, he’s getting paid for the value of his product.” Says associate producer Johnny Blue, King’s cousin. Yes, it’s a family affair, which makes it all the more endearing. “Every time you see it you’re gonna love it more.” he adds. Cult classic in the making? I’m not sure, that would be up to the support of people like you and me. But I have a really good feeling about it.
Newlyweeds will be playing at Film Forum in NYC through October 8th. Go to www.filmforum.com for showtimes and tickets.
Looks like someone else was thinking the same thing I was thinking when I wrote my last post, The White Spider. It was about feeling my feelings y’all. And with that, they did dissolve…
Check out this nice little article presented on the MindBodyGreen website. Love that site!
Gon’ head. Feel it! For good, bad, or worse. Just feel it. You’ll feel better. I promise.
- immediately expressing it to another for feedback; or displaying it to the world via some social media outlet
- watching a video on the same subject matter or reading an article for an “experts” opinion on how to deal
- looking at something funny so as not to deal
Instead….I chose to deal. I chose to feel my feelings and not run away from them. I chose to sit with them and just FEEL them.
It didn’t feel good, but it felt REAL. I even decided not to think or analyze why I always feel a sadness when a certain situation occurs. I decided to just FEEL.
I felt my feelings until I fell asleep. There was such a void created until I just didn’t feel much anymore. I feel stronger this way. And in this way I feel more…alive. A rustling from the furnace or whatever it’s called woke me up. I found a little white spider in my bed, then a tiny white feather; a little reminder that everything is going to be alright. A little sadness and pain never hurt anyone. I’m feelin’ that.
I looked up animal totems and read that white spiders are associated with good omens and more:
exerpt taken from this site:
The Spider is an ancient symbol of mystery, power and growth.
We take our first lesson from the ancient symbol of the Spider by contemplating its web.
Just as the Spider weaves a web, so too must we weave our own lives. The Spider symbol meaning here serves as a reminder that our choices construct our lives. When the Spider appears to us, it is a message to be mindful of the choices we are making – and ask ourselves:
- How are my choices affecting my life?
- How can my choices improve my life?
- How are my choices affecting others in my life?
Not only do Spiders and their webs draw attention to our life choices, they also give us an overview of how we can manipulate our thinking in order to construct the life we wish to live.
Spiders do this by calling our awareness to the amazing construction of their webs. Fully functional, practical, and ingenious in design – Spider webs serve as homes, food storage, egg incubators – seemingly limitless in their functionality.
When we consider this ingenious diversity, we can also consider the web-like construct of our own lives.How are we designing the most effective life?
When we see our decisions, choices and actions as far-reaching, effective tools in life – we can see how we weave a web that can either serve us or enslave us. The Spider symbol meaning beckons us to be mindful of our behaviors – be smart about the life we weave for ourselves.
How telling. How succinct. How relevant to the situation…I’ll never doubt the signs, because this one so resonated with me. Also, is there anything peculiar about someone who said they saw a tiny white spider and a white feather at the same time…on a forum…back in 2008? Wow. What does a feather mean to me? For me, it means a GOOD OMEN….I guess I’m constantly anxious because just about every sign to me means “erthang gon’ be alright baby…”
When you find feathers upon your path it could be taken to mean that you are on a higher spiritual path (whether you accept it or not), and it may be a sign of encouragement as you philosophically travel on this path.
Finding feathers on your path is also symbolic of having a lighter outlook on life or a particular situation. When we see feathers in our midst it is considered a message that we need to lighten up, not take things too seriously, and try to find the joy in our situation. (Found here.)
(At this point I had to stop because the word count was exactly 666. Now this is gettin’ too weird.)
I’m going to wrap it up now…Happy feeling and totem hunting! Hopefully the things in your life have meaning for you, as much as for me.
This is so well written and concise, and I would have written it had she not…so I’m very happy to present you with this article about a “pretty picture” and it’s ugly truth:
For all my adult females…Just do it.
Tap into your inner sex Goddess and just tell him what he wants to hear. Be creative and laugh a lot. Hide your phone from your co-workers, and tap away. This post is coming from a really horny place, but it has been argued that there is no such thing as lust, and no such thing as horny. I have read doctors, teachers, and love coaches say that when you are attracted to someone, it is actually because you have a “gift” or even some would say a type of “spiritual medicine” for them. In his book, If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships , Chuck Spezzano, PhD says just that as one of the principles. So there. A doctor said it. (For those of you who place a lot of value on titles.) Also, Kenya K. Stevens of Jujuama also teaches women who take her Womb Choice Class (I took it and it changed my perspective forever) that there is a no such thing as lust, and that tingly feeling you feel in your uterus and vagina when you see a man you’re attracted to is Spirit telling you that there are wonderful opportunities for growth when you enter into relationship with that person. Doesn’t have to be sex, and sexting is a safe alternative.
All I know is, most people who have free time during the day are on their phones. It’s a quiet way to express yourself to the one you’re interested in while on the bus, train, waiting for your flight to take off, or have a free moment at lunch. And my own personal experience has shown that I seem “happier” and “more alive” if I am trying to find enticing words to fit the images of what I want the person to imagine. I get great satisfaction from knowing that they are quite stimulated by my words. I have to think fast, be impulsive, edit, proofread, but also be discreet. It helps me multi task and keeps my juices flowing. It helps me be a better writer. Someone passing by me on the street actually told me “You’re happy” today, and my day went smoothly. It builds anticipation between you and your sext partner, and it also can be a way to find out what one other likes sexually, if you even plan to take it that far. Long distance relationships can benefit greatly as well, as you never want to go too long without letting someone feel your desire for them, even if they’re miles away. The many benefits of sexting are undeniable.
I have never been disappointed while sexting except when I started thinking too much and wondering…is all this person wants from me? And then I have to remember that that is impossible because I’m Helese! Everyone knows there’s so much more to be than that. If I remember who I truly am, all is always well. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta hit send now. My sext partner is waiting on a hot juicy response and I’m totally open… Happy Sexting!
…But you’re perfect.
I apologize for not writing for a while. I think I was really caught up in something that we Earthlings like to call…a relationship.
It sounds about as extra-terrestrial as a spaceship now, and to be honest with you, I can’t wait to put all my thoughts down for the day and really sleep so I can float away from this Earth, well at least in my mind. But for now…
Here I am because I think I need to get some things out of my brain and onto this screen. In the past few months I have been dealing with a man whom I felt was perfect for me in every way. In many ways he exhibited the traits that I had always thought I wanted in a man: he was chocolatey, somewhat tall, strong-willed, neat, had honorable goals, a sense of humor, was very affectionate (or I guess just touchy feely), and was open minded when it came to certain sex acts. He could hold his own in a conversation and didn’t activate my rebellious side. (Although I’d have loved to have been spanked more often, but I digress).
I’ve read a lot of books in my day. Many of them have been about relationships. I think this is because in these books I have been trying to find some golden nugget of information that was going to make me understand myself and therefore my relationships much better. All they did was recondition the old conditioning, and lately I have been seeing the fruits of my mental and intentional labor…the relationship ended, he says it’s because he’s not ready, but I say it’s because I always felt it would end anyway because it went against the way I had been conditioned that stable and long lasting relationships start out.
I guess for me to believe that a man will respect you, he has to court you. Spend time, money, sweat, and tears just to get you to agree to spend time with him. Now I admit: When I met this guy, I really didn’t think much of him or the role he might play in my life. I even remember a moment on our first date (which I asked HIM to come to hang out with ME because I had an extra ticket, which breaks a lot of dating expert’s rules, haha) where I looked at him and thought “there’s NO WAY I’m gonna be involved with this guy. I mean, LOOK at him” And lo and behold, here I am, a few months later, and he’s saying HE’S not ready to be with ME. (I know now NEVER to say never, when it comes to your so called fast held “principles.” Life will ALWAYS come back and bite you in the ass! Not that NOT being with him was a matter of principle. It’s just that I had never been with a man as animalistic and challenging as him. He had this jungle Mandingo quality, straight out of the Motherland…yet he was wordly and refined and sweet and endearing at the same time. But I really had a moment where I looked at him and said, “No.”) I say all that to say that deep down inside I felt it would collapse from the inside out because we jumped into things way too fast, and I was available way too much.
Even though I wanted to be exclusive so that I could have (guilt-free) sex. I wanted to be “committed” (and we never really discussed what the hell that even meant to each of us) before I had sex. I also knew that at the time, there was no other man I wanted to be with. I couldn’t even see other men, I only had eyes for him.
I learned a lot in the past few months. I tried to take this whirlwind that we were involved in all with a grain of salt but it got so heavy so quickly. It literally felt like an avalanche that I believe we BOTH tried to stop in the beginning, but our feelings just keep rolling on. I remember him STRESSING patience, but then the next time we’d see each other, he was saying he was in love with me. It’s so funny. He seemed so gentle back then, and sweet. I know he still is, he has a good heart, but I’ve seen a darker, meaner, colder side to him since then, and surprisingly it didn’t totally turn me off. Yes, this is the twist. He’s still perfect to me. And so am I. I’ve found myself telling him I’m not perfect. But that’s not true. I’m me, now, and that’s all I can be up to this point. What I have to work with is the future. Because what I’ve realized is: the really EFFED up parts of all of us are still worthy of love.
This blog is about a woman on a quest for love. I thought that I might eventually find it in one person I would meet on a fateful day in September, or something out of a love song like that. But as I progress, I’m realizing that all of these people are here to teach me a lesson about ME! And what’s even more scary and more beautiful, is that they’re all taking me on a journey right back to myself, and that’s exactly where love is. LOVE isn’t out there somewhere…it’s inside.
Let me publish this before I lose my nerve…
When driving and in relationships, your imagination can sometimes be your worst enemy.
You’re not helping anyone by thinking up bad shit that hasn’t happened, or re-living travesties of the past. This is something that I’m learning with the person I’m currently seeing. It’s funny, because I thought I was past all that negative thinking and doubt, because I who knows that I deserve all things good, would never sabotage a great (sexy, amazing) experience by negative thinking. But it creeps up and rears it’s ugly head when you least expect it.
Unfortunately, the person can end up thinking that it’s about them, but you know that’s not true. Anytime something pops up in your head, and you end up bringing up something not quite desirable that was not incited by any external experience in the relationship, it totally comes from you. And that can lead to a little nasty thing called .projection. It goes something like this
You: “Babe, are you having doubts about us?”
Them: “No, where is this coming from?”
You: “Well, I was watching that episode of The Game and-”
Them: “Well that’s not us. Listen, I know I’m not giving you a reason to think that I feel any differently about you. Do you trust me?”
The problem is that you don’t trust the situation or yourself enough to let go, and just Love freely. Allow yourself to feel that good and TRUST that this person is who they say they are! Believe in your choices…you made them for a reason.
Not only that, the best way to soothe your fears and insecurities is to just know that, like a good friend told me, “you deserve too good to be true.”
And it is so.