Life, Personal Liberation, Relationships, Sprituality

When a Friend is “Over You”

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Be your own best friend.

Over the years, the most important thing I’ve come to know about friendship is this: friendships ebb and flow.

When you lose touch with a friend, don’t be discouraged.
Recently I was talking to this guy who I met online. He’s about 60 years old. He’s poly (meaning polyamorous, meaning he has many loves – I hope to continue exploring this later). He’s generally a cool guy so far. Physically, I wouldn’t say he does it for me,  but his conversation is interesting as hell and we’re just friends.
We talked about this very idea of people entering and exiting one’s life.
He said, “Anyone who’s ever been in my life, even if it’s a woman who has broken up with  me or someone who he never thought I would see again, they come back around.”
You may be going through something like this. A friend of yours might be over it: not returning phone calls, not even liking your very positive hilarious posts on Facebook. (How dare they?) But, if the connection is real and strong and meant to last then it will come back around in some form, even if it’s not the way you had envisioned.
I used to chase people and I learned not to do that.
It doesn’t mean I don’t still send a random text to people I was once very emotionally tethered to, but I have had to learn to manage my expectations. The moment when it’s JUST BEGINNING TO WANE is the hardest. It’s like a breakup but with friends, no one ever tells you. They just slowly fade away until they disappear. And even more devastating is when the break is abrupt – cold turkey.
It probably takes an even stronger, braver person as a friend to TELL YOU WHY they stopped talking to you. Most won’t.
So be patient and breathe through the pain. Try to open up communication if you can, but if the person is just non-responsive…know that it’s about THEM. Even if it IS about you…it’s about THEM feeling some type of way about you. Still about them.
You’re living your life…Doing the best you can, right? So are they…But this is the hardest pill to swallow: that someone you adore can be “over you.”
Also, when the people come back around it may not be the way it once was, some people won’t allow themselves to go back down that road with the same person again after being hurt once…and that is exactly what has happened with me and old friends. Now, we speak on Facebook at the most…maybe the phone. But I know I can’t get as deep as I once did. There’s just this unspoken barrier within myself that even now I feel comfy enough expressing if I had to. And the reason is because I’ve had years to process the trauma of the loss of a friend who is very much alive. This process can take YEARS. But you move on.
I know it’s all love between me and those people (I assume and that’s good enough for me). But in terms of where we ONCE were…nope. I’m not going back.
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5 thoughts on “When a Friend is “Over You”

  1. Pingback: Insecure Episode 2 – Molly, Issa, and Issa’s THREElationship | H e l e s e T A L K S

  2. Morning Helese!

    I simply love to see your posts show up in my email, and this one was no exception. I know I must return and sit and read and respond to the other posts I’ve missed. No problema. I will.

    Tis true. This topic is softly hard on the heart, yet it is rife with much to ponder. Perhaps you can share the guidelines concerning your Guest Blogger post, and I can officially share my views…on this or another topic.

    I respect your decision not to head back down that road with friends who have so viscerally hurt you. It is not a good feeling. Sometimes it hurts so badly, hurt doesn’t even appear to be the right word to use. Knowing all of that, I am in the camp of walk that road again. I don’t know why. I just stay willing. I wait in the cut for the opportunity to present itself, and believe me, it always comes back around.

    For days, I’d been longing to tell several people that I love them. In each instance, the opportunity arose out of the lovely mist of the everyday. I was grateful. Snatched my chance and breathed again.

    I don’t wish to ramble. I can. And do. Sometimes. But this early morning, my body requires SLEEP before I travel to Tuskegee to my father’s house for his birthday. Yet I must edit my New York vlog as soon as I type the last word here. 🙂 I do hope you’ll watch it, as I’d love for you to view it!

    Helese, I want to learn more about your friend, who is in my generation. I’m lesbian…and am determined to live and love poly. My ideal relationship, in theory for right now, is a lesbian triad.When you chat with your friend again, I’d love to learn of his experiences living and loving hetero poly. The trials. The tribulations. The joys.

    Keep blogging, my love! You are refreshing!

    Mucho amor y luz,

    Claudia

    p.s.
    Thank you for bringing me back to blogging, though it’s on my “Things To Do” list. My huge work calendar rests at the foot of my bed. I’m getting organized and blazing trails, baby! It’s on and poppin’ this year!

    • Oh Claudia! It’s so good to hear from you!

      Firstly, I will connect you with my friend on Facebook. He’s quite popular in the poly community.

      Secondly…I understand what you mean about walking that road with friends again. I don’t mean to say that I don’t reach out and even share deep conversations with these friends again. But maybe what I’m doing is just learning what I need to learn for ALL of my relationships: not to get so attached.

      These friends were ones who were in my life almost every day. It was a very deep bond. Like my romantic partnerships, maybe I just don’t need to get that deep with ANYONE else again.

      Alas, what can we say. The heart wants what it wants.

      What my heart wants right now is to be protected above all else.

      There are no pressing issues, I feel open to love in all of its many forms, but the love I’m focusing on the most is love for myself.

      Also, about the vlog…where is it? Can you link me to in on FB?

      Thanks for commenting! I always appreciate your insight, Claudia.

      • Wondrously warm Florida greetings, Helese! I am returning to my blog home after what feels like ages of being away, and what a joyous surprise to read your response! I love the way you express yourself, your passion with words and expression, your thoughts and insights as well!
        Te doy las gracias! Yet I am not toooo far off from responding to you. The date says Feb 9th. It is my goal to respond expeditiously now that I have returned to my beloved blog love.
        Where have I been?
        Filming videos and editing the clips and uploading to my YouTube home, Claudia’sUniverse (my main channel) and Claudia’sUniverse Vlogs (of course, my vlog home)! 😀
        I will beckon you to my latest vlog on Facebook. It is the one in which I capture my experience at The Kravis Center in West Palm Beach, FL, where the only Afro-Brazilian folk dance company performed Bahia, a gala celebrating the African-Brazilian experience in song and dance about where they are from, in a section of Brazil called BAHIA.
        Oh Helese, you would have LOVED it! Not only was the music and dancing and singing ELECTRIC, but the women danced topless in the finale dance!!!! (Please forgive the exclamation marks. I live my life draped in them.)
        😀
        Please share your poly friend’s name. I no longer accept Facebook invites from everyone who comes. Hmmm. This topic would be great to explain in a video on my main channel. ROTFL
        Can you say, Catfish?
        Now, Helese, another reason why I am elated to see your verbal presence here!!!!!
        I just made a note to chat you up on my YouTube channel! I am going to add interviews to my channel and collaborate with other YouTubers. 1. You are such an engagingly interesting person. 2. You are a YouTuber. 3. You represent issues that I care about, deeply. 4. You would be the perfect person with whom to chat in a Google Hangout, so that I could post it directly to YouTube. And since we’d both be recording it on our computer’s webcam, you could post the same video to your channel, right?
        Nonetheless, I’d like you to think about it so that we can walk out on the water and be the stunner that we are!
        I want to chat about our 2017 goals, for I want the exchange to highlight us as two creative souls. Yes, you will be my guest and I’ll chat you up, but I want the exchange to also be interactive.
        If you consent to the venture, I’d like to chat about the following: Bucket Lists, the highs of 2016, what you are planning for 2017, the personal or the political, Internet platforms, toplessness, Facebook’s new changes, the power of video, fears and triumphs, journalism, your responsibility to yourself, love and the single life, self love, role models, etc.
        Yes, I know that is a mouthful, but I want you also to have topics that you’d like to discuss. Let’s leave viewers with something to remember, to ponder. If you come, come true to you!
        I am incredibly excited! I also want to chop it up with Nik Nik! Wait! Tell me what you think of inviting her to the Round Table of Chat? Or leave the exchange at one artist at a time?
        I’m getting even more excited!
        Looking forward to hearing from you!
        Amor y Luz,
        Claudia

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