Life, Nature, New York City, Personal Liberation, Sprituality

Monkeys on My Muthaf*ckin Back: Depression, Productivity, and Self Love

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As  I listen to a Louise Hay YouTube video about self Love, I realize that I’m not really all that fucked up to need it.

But I do, in fact, need it.

For the past 5 days I’ve been pretty much laid up-sure I went to an event recently and I really enjoyed myself, but mostly I’ve been in bed, resting, writing, meditating.

Sounds pretty productive right?

Well according to my new definition of productive, yes. Anything that has a positive result for me now or in the future is productive.

But that new definition is taking a while to settle in, or rather, sometimes I forget.

So I feel guilty for not working, for not being the traditional mode of productive.

But alas…I am creating.

But this is just one of the monkeys that I have to get off my back, damn near every day, just to get up!

It’s not easy. But I have reached my breaking point and it’s either die or stay alive.

I know I have all the tools in order for me to rescue myself.

So every day, even every night, I make a decision.

I will not die. I will live, and to my fullest potential.

A Course in Miracles says the Holy Spirit only guides you to something that you can do NOW. Well, I can say an affirmation now.

“I deserve the best out of Life, not because I’ve done anything good, but because I AM.”

I can choose to look at the situation with Love.

Last night one of the things I did before I went to sleep was to Mother myself.

I imagined a set of hands, older woman hands, not my mom’s during this lifetime, but maybe someone from ancient times. She spoke English though.

She said, “It’s ok baby. Everything’s going to be allll right.” And she caressed my face while I cried in her arms. I just imagined this maternal graceful spirit totally encompassing me…She said “I know baby…” And she wiped my tears away. And I just rocked in her arms while a tear or two rolled down my face.

So, I would advise everyone to chill the fuck out…because I have noticed that although I have lost damn near everything several times over in the past year, feeling like all hope is gone…I am more centered and believing that everything is going to be OK more than ever.

I’m creating more often than ever. And I’m putting it out there!

And I’m more clear on my purpose than ever. And I’m doing something about it!

I’m convinced that this bump in the road ISN’T the end of my journey. So I keep keeping on. I’m doing herbs, self soothing techniques, shaking up my routine, and simply not believing in the monkeys and the lies they tell anymore. 

I’m doing more stuff than ever to help those monkeys go back to their trees, or caves, or jungles, or where ever the fuck they came from. Despite them coming to hang out every once in a while, the Universe has got my back. But they don’t belong on my back. 

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