Feeling hungry, sad, depleted. will pour into a blog but just wanted to give yall update. hate when i feel like this altho its needed. im serious abt clearing ev month with period now. i just don’t know why its trying to knock ME out. last night i was talking to ****** (named changed to protect the womb choice extroaordinaire), the man who ive generally had the best sex with ever, and he started talking about parenting and “when you have kids…” and a huge wave of sadness overtook me…
That was about to be my Facebook status, just now, but I wanted to pour some that that sacred red energy into this blog here.
Ever cried when you saw that first little peek of blood of the month? Lately, for that last 2 or 3 periods, I’ve cried for the things I’ve lost over the 28 days, or the energy of what I’m clearing now from my life, which is represented by the blood that is leaving my body. I don’t know. I know I’m getting a little closer to Goddesshood every day, with each moon cycle, but I still feel pain.
I’m not pregnant.
Nor did I want to be. Not most of me. If I were it would be from an ex who was damn near 20 years older than me and who clearly has emotional and alcohol issues. I would have sprinted to the abortion clinic. Or would I?
When I see my blood now, I simultaneously celebrate and mourn. I’m losing yet another opportunity to do what is instinctively an urge for a lot of women. I’m imagining that little microscopic egg being soaked into a pad or wiped out of me, dropping in pool of chlorinated water, and being flushed down the toilet. Discarded with no honor, no regard to the life that could have been.
I know I’m not ready to have a child of my own but every time I go to work and see those kids I feel so maternal, that I can’t even follow through on disciplinary procedures. I’m tough on them, but then I get soft, always wanting to give those fresh new talented souls another chance to make me proud.
So, I’m sacrificing my opportunity to simply follow my gut instincts and I’m waiting until the right situation presents itself.
I have to add this in, sorry this post is a little disjointed, I’m deciding what I should reveal and what I shouldn’t. I’m getting more private these days, another sacrifice I’m making to honor the mystery of these feelings, some things are better yet left unsaid (better buy the book.)
I heard there were 3 steps to make any man love you. I said to myself, “Oh that’s easy.”
1. Know who you are.
2. Love who you are.
3. Be who you are.
Simple right? No, well, at least not for me. The blood mysteries have taught me a lot. Now that I honor yet another cycle of my life, my time of bleeding (I’ve honored the cycle of trial and error in other posts), I’m learning to embody the feminine in a way that flows with nature. Yet another thing that not another human soul can take away from me. It’s empowerment through connection with my blood.
No matter how much I may love someone, I will never love them more than I love who I truly am. I’ve bled because I’ve sacrificed who I am at times, in order to please another. And the beauty of it is, it’s a process to grow out of that. I’m not done knowing me, because the “trials and tribs” of everyday life constantly try to pull you away from that. Once you have tasted the purity of getting a glimpse of who you are you will NEVER want to let that go.
The blood sacrifice of every month signifies that you are letting something go in order to make room for some new quality, trait, person place or thing, an energy, an essence if you will, to take it’s place. Out with the old, in with the better. And in order to be better, sometimes we have to give something up. Well, give it up already. Goddesshood is what I’m after. The funny thing is, I may never reach that place, but the journey is so delicious…I don’t even know if I care about the destination anymore.
*NOTE: In my case, the abnormally heavy menstrual bleeding is caused by fibroids which were aggravated immensely by the ingestion of false hormones in the form of birth control pills, which I took as a result of denying my own desires for my life (sacrificing my ideals in order to fit into another’s ideals). Now, this is what I deal with. Ironically, when I went to the doctor for help, more false hormones in the form of an IUD (intrauterine device) were recommended in order to manage the symptoms of the fibroids. I declined the offer to become sterilized like a dog and instead I am healing through natural methods (although I know it is possible to get pregnant after removing the IUD, that’s how I felt staring at the device and the eager doctors). Since taking a daily herbal supplement to regulate hormones, the pain of this condition had reduced dramatically. I switched to a new supplement from the same company that isn’t taken everyday, only when pain is drawing near, and the pain has returned because it is only taken during PMS, and if you don’t catch it in time, it may take a while to work, if at all. The pain and heavy bleeding has caused me to take days off of school and work. I’m going to order some more of the daily supplement immediately. Just a few thoughts on this, I know the picture can be disturbing to some.