I’ve been through too much now to think that bumps in the road mean the end my journey.
As I get older and go through more contrasting experiences, I realize that what I once blew out of proportion I just can’t anymore. Like, I literally don’t have the same fears of cataclysmic disaster and destruction that I used to before. I guess I’m being weathered, otherwise known as growing up.
I hope I never lose my enthusiasm though. I remember the puzzled look that must have been on my face when someone, usually a man, would tell me, “I don’t get excited about things anymore.” That sounds to me more like depression. But I was doubly intrigued when one would tell me “It takes a lot for me to get angry.” I want to be in that space.
Right now I’m at the point where I am seeing that there is always more to my journey, and I am no longer afraid that one set back or dissapointment is the end of the world. In this way, I am becoming fearless.
I used to want so much more from people than they were willing to share. Now I’ve connected with people who wanna give me their all as much as I bare my soul to them. It’s no longer about CONTROLLING these people or convincing them to give me more than they want in the types of ways I see fit, it’s about me accepting whatever love they can give at the time. Many would call that accepting scraps…I call it going with the flow. I’m never without love. And the more I tell myself the lie that I am, just because I may be feeling lonely, neglected, hurt, or abandoned is like a slap in the face to God.
So, do I ever have to fear being alone because one person wants to leave me or change the nature of the relationship and throw me off to the wayside as if there was never any connection there? No. I really can’t afford to fear, because I have a feeling I’m being prepared for something great, even if that greatness is simply the rest of my life.
Someone once told me that I have the intense power to build and destroy, that I’m a major contradiction. I didn’t deny it. They also said they too have that same power and that instead of using their destructive power on people, they would rather use it to destroy systems. I guess our relationship was a system they wanted to destroy.
Nonetheless, I’m OK. I cried a little longer than I wanted to, but I didn’t reject support when it came. I leaned on it and used it to stand up straight again. I’m in the presence of people near and far who love me and want to see me do well. I’m more than just a big ole’ contradiction and a flower petal that goes where the wind blows, I’m a person who consistently wants Love.
And I know the Love is there. When I took a shower I opened my heart to the water and imagined all the Love from the Universe pouring into me, and all of the negativity of the day washing off.
I stepped out of the tub and was naked, vulnerable, and open…and felt what it must feel like to be a fearless woman. So fearless that I’ve already forgiven myself and him, because I know God is looking out for me and Love is there to cushion the blow of any pain, any loss, any hurt, any ending. I can’t say I wanted it or could even imagine it this way, but I can truly say that I have no fear of the future. My life is a gift and I’m open to the journey.