Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

You Are Really Effed Up…

…But you’re perfect.

I apologize for not writing for a while. I think I was really caught up in something that we Earthlings like to call…a relationship.

It sounds about as extra-terrestrial as a spaceship now, and to be honest with you, I can’t wait to put all my thoughts down for the day and really sleep so I can float away from this Earth, well at least in my mind. But for now…

Here I am because I think I need to get some things out of my brain and onto this screen. In the past few months I have been dealing with a man whom I felt was perfect for me in every way. In many ways he exhibited the traits that I had always thought I wanted in a man: he was chocolatey, somewhat tall, strong-willed, neat, had honorable goals, a sense of humor, was very affectionate (or I guess just touchy feely), and was open minded when it came to certain sex acts. He could hold his own in a conversation and didn’t activate my rebellious side. (Although I’d have loved to have been spanked more often, but I digress).

I’ve read a lot of books in my day. Many of them have been about relationships. I think this is because in these books I have been trying to find some golden nugget of information that was going to make me understand myself and therefore my relationships much better. All they did was recondition the old conditioning, and lately I have been seeing the fruits of my mental and intentional labor…the relationship ended, he says it’s because he’s not ready, but I say it’s because I always felt it would end anyway because it went against the way I had been conditioned that stable and long lasting relationships start out.

I guess for me to believe that a man will respect you, he has to court you. Spend time, money, sweat, and tears just to get you to agree to spend time with him. Now I admit: When I met this guy, I really didn’t think much of him or the role he might play in my life. I even remember a moment on our first date (which I asked HIM to come to hang out with ME because I had an extra ticket, which breaks a lot of dating expert’s rules, haha) where I looked at him and thought “there’s NO WAY I’m gonna be involved with this guy. I mean, LOOK at him” And lo and behold, here I am, a few months later, and he’s saying HE’S not ready to be with ME. (I know now NEVER  to say never, when it comes to your so called fast held “principles.” Life will ALWAYS come back and bite you in the ass!  Not that NOT being with him was a matter of principle. It’s just that I had never been with a man as animalistic and challenging as him. He had this jungle Mandingo quality, straight out of the Motherland…yet he was wordly and refined and sweet and endearing at the same time. But I really had a moment where I looked at him and said, “No.”) I say all that to say that deep down inside I felt it would collapse from the inside out because we jumped into things way too fast, and I was available way too much.

Even though I wanted to be exclusive so that I could have (guilt-free) sex. I wanted to be “committed” (and we never really discussed what the hell that even meant to each of us) before I had sex. I also knew that at the time, there was no other man I wanted to be with. I couldn’t even see other men, I only had eyes for him.

I learned a lot in the past few months. I tried to take this whirlwind that we were involved in all with a grain of salt but it got so heavy so quickly. It literally felt like an avalanche that I believe we BOTH tried to stop in the beginning, but our feelings just keep rolling on. I remember him STRESSING patience, but then the next time we’d see each other, he was saying he was in love with me. It’s so funny. He seemed so gentle back then, and sweet. I know he still is, he has a good heart, but I’ve seen a darker, meaner, colder side to him since then, and surprisingly it didn’t totally turn me off. Yes, this is the twist. He’s still perfect to me. And so am I. I’ve found myself telling him I’m not perfect. But that’s not true. I’m me, now, and that’s all I can be up to this point. What I have to work with is the future. Because what I’ve realized is: the really EFFED up parts of all of us are still worthy of love.

This blog is about a woman on a quest for love. I thought that I might eventually find it in one person I would meet on a fateful day in September, or something out of a love song like that. But as I progress, I’m realizing that all of these people are here to teach me a lesson about ME! And what’s even more scary and more beautiful, is that they’re all taking me on a journey right back to myself, and that’s exactly where love is. LOVE isn’t out there somewhere…it’s inside.

Let me publish this before I lose my nerve…


5 thoughts on “You Are Really Effed Up…

  1. Moyenda says:

    I watched your short little video of you in the rain (out with your dog); and then I read You Are Really Effed Up..

    I’ll keep this very short for the woman on a quest for love. In your video, the comment you made about how the many strangers that come up to you in the night/day with the wolf calls are not to be feared. It made me think about when we have chance meeting with people of the opposite sex that we have some kind of attraction towards.

    …It’s funny how we can sometimes tell a complete stranger some of your most guarded thoughts (ex. a bartender, taxi driver), and yet at the same time you can have the hardest time telling the one closest to you the same thoughts. So, you meet someone for the first time and you find one aspect or characteristic about that person that pulls you toward him/her. At the start of conversation, you immediately start to see what pieces of the puzzle this person can fill, keeping in mind that you already have a preconceived picture of what the puzzle will look like when completed. The more time you share with the person, the more pieces of your puzzle get put in place. The picture begins to look richer and fuller than ever before, and you are at the point to where the picture is almost complete. Swooning over the joy of finding such a catch…Rather, I should say the picture you have in your mind is almost complete. But then something happens and this person who has fulfilled and surpassed all of your expectations does something or acts in a manner that is completely opposite than all that was showed to you in the past.

    Well, the beauty of attraction and relationships is that we all have our preconceived ideas of what we are looking for in a mate. We all have that idea of the perfect match (to some extent); the perfect puzzle pieces to fit and fulfill you for life. The answer could be as simple as looking at the flip side of your puzzle. The side where you will find what your mate has been building over time to match his/her every need. Would you think it to be strange if it looked nothing like the puzzle you had put together? Some similar pieces, some similar images and areas in the full body of the image..but it looks like nothing you would want for yourself; nothing like anything you would ever want for yourself. Maybe the only real thing in common is the cardboard pieces that the puzzle had been cut from..

    I guess the next question at this point would be to know if you had the courage to be honest with yourself to say his/her reality is not the same as my own. Maybe the courage to say that his reality is right, and hers is wrong (or vise verse). We can never exist the way our counterpart would like us to exist; I mean to say one impose their will on the other eternally. Not if you are still an individual, who chooses to walk with a mate, rather than behind or in front of a mate.. Even when there was so much that was so so good; the sex, the conversation, the quiet times alone where that person could open your mind up to soaring possibilities of love and life ever after…To know that you need to end this now before it corrupts who you are as a person for the next one who could be the one you want. When it is all said and done, I would tend to think that it is all left up to chance at some point (worked on by both parties of – course), but chance all the same.

    Getting back off the tangent and back to the short video you posted; the words you said that there is really nothing to fear does kinda make sense to me. There is nothing to fear from someone that doesn’t know you, and you don’t know anything about that person as well. You may recognize the script or manner in which he/she is coming at you and can handle that situation on any given day. However, the one that knows you better than anyone, the one that you may deeply love. ..BUT the same one that you can’t figure out how he knows you so well – without even really knowing you… The one you give your TRUST to on any occasion is probably the one you should be fear. The same fear that makes relationships so exciting in the first place. There is where the fun lies. We are all on, or have been on, the journey in search of love. The ups the downs; the surprises and some of the most boring moments in a persons life…lol. These things are all found in the journey and search for the “right” person to share your life share this life.

    As long as you keep moving forward (“backwards every now and then couldn’t hurt too bad I imagine), and searching for that one you can just sit and say nothing with and be very content, or go skinny dipping in central park pond, or out hunting trysts that you both will devour…or whatever gets your motor going. As long as you are learning from your experiences and using the positive, discarding the negative, with each new relationship; I can only assume you will have the richest and fullest relationship you have sought out.

    ..And by then, you would have forgotten all about the puzzle pieces you were trying so hard to make fit into your puzzle.

    • You are so true in what you are saying. I really believe that expectations can destroy a relationship; not the expectation that things will go well, but expecting someone to fulfill a certain emptiness inside of you. Trust is also key, and we should trust ourselves, the GOD in ourselves, in order to never have to depend on another person to “make us happy.” No one can make you happy. You really have to do this journey on your own.

    • Yes, once we realize that we are God incarnate, that goes a long way to heal our feelings of unworthiness. I need to remember that myself. You all don’t know how much you help me!

  2. Pingback: Vulnerability=Love-Ability=Being Loveable Pt. 2 « Helese TALKS!

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