Culture, Dating, Friendship, Life, New York City, Relationships, Sex

You Are Really Effed Up…

…But you’re perfect.

I apologize for not writing for a while. I think I was really caught up in something that we Earthlings like to call…a relationship.

It sounds about as extra-terrestrial as a spaceship now, and to be honest with you, I can’t wait to put all my thoughts down for the day and really sleep so I can float away from this Earth, well at least in my mind. But for now…

Here I am because I think I need to get some things out of my brain and onto this screen. In the past few months I have been dealing with a man whom I felt was perfect for me in every way. In many ways he exhibited the traits that I had always thought I wanted in a man: he was chocolatey, somewhat tall, strong-willed, neat, had honorable goals, a sense of humor, was very affectionate (or I guess just touchy feely), and was open minded when it came to certain sex acts. He could hold his own in a conversation and didn’t activate my rebellious side. (Although I’d have loved to have been spanked more often, but I digress).

I’ve read a lot of books in my day. Many of them have been about relationships. I think this is because in these books I have been trying to find some golden nugget of information that was going to make me understand myself and therefore my relationships much better. All they did was recondition the old conditioning, and lately I have been seeing the fruits of my mental and intentional labor…the relationship ended, he says it’s because he’s not ready, but I say it’s because I always felt it would end anyway because it went against the way I had been conditioned that stable and long lasting relationships start out.

I guess for me to believe that a man will respect you, he has to court you. Spend time, money, sweat, and tears just to get you to agree to spend time with him. Now I admit: When I met this guy, I really didn’t think much of him or the role he might play in my life. I even remember a moment on our first date (which I asked HIM to come to hang out with ME because I had an extra ticket, which breaks a lot of dating expert’s rules, haha) where I looked at him and thought “there’s NO WAY I’m gonna be involved with this guy. I mean, LOOK at him” And lo and behold, here I am, a few months later, and he’s saying HE’S not ready to be with ME. (I know now NEVER  to say never, when it comes to your so called fast held “principles.” Life will ALWAYS come back and bite you in the ass!  Not that NOT being with him was a matter of principle. It’s just that I had never been with a man as animalistic and challenging as him. He had this jungle Mandingo quality, straight out of the Motherland…yet he was wordly and refined and sweet and endearing at the same time. But I really had a moment where I looked at him and said, “No.”) I say all that to say that deep down inside I felt it would collapse from the inside out because we jumped into things way too fast, and I was available way too much.

Even though I wanted to be exclusive so that I could have (guilt-free) sex. I wanted to be “committed” (and we never really discussed what the hell that even meant to each of us) before I had sex. I also knew that at the time, there was no other man I wanted to be with. I couldn’t even see other men, I only had eyes for him.

I learned a lot in the past few months. I tried to take this whirlwind that we were involved in all with a grain of salt but it got so heavy so quickly. It literally felt like an avalanche that I believe we BOTH tried to stop in the beginning, but our feelings just keep rolling on. I remember him STRESSING patience, but then the next time we’d see each other, he was saying he was in love with me. It’s so funny. He seemed so gentle back then, and sweet. I know he still is, he has a good heart, but I’ve seen a darker, meaner, colder side to him since then, and surprisingly it didn’t totally turn me off. Yes, this is the twist. He’s still perfect to me. And so am I. I’ve found myself telling him I’m not perfect. But that’s not true. I’m me, now, and that’s all I can be up to this point. What I have to work with is the future. Because what I’ve realized is: the really EFFED up parts of all of us are still worthy of love.

This blog is about a woman on a quest for love. I thought that I might eventually find it in one person I would meet on a fateful day in September, or something out of a love song like that. But as I progress, I’m realizing that all of these people are here to teach me a lesson about ME! And what’s even more scary and more beautiful, is that they’re all taking me on a journey right back to myself, and that’s exactly where love is. LOVE isn’t out there somewhere…it’s inside.

Let me publish this before I lose my nerve…

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