Celebrities, Culture, Events, Life, Politics/World Issues

Oh, Whitney

A still from the "My Love is Your Love" video

Sorry I took so long to jump on the bandwagon and write about one of my childhood/teenage musical idols. I just needed time, guys. This one, like the death of Michael, really felt like a sort of personal loss, and I was pissed off at how these people are going to be remembered going out, like some druggie, as if the vulture-like industry didn’t have anything to do with their deaths.

Even now, as I look at Whitney Houston videos, I realize that my favorite songs were the ones that weren’t the ones that I feel everyone went crazy about, at least they weren’t the ones that necessarily made her anymore famous, like “My Love is Your Love” (if you listen to the words, you will understand the kind of love that I’m striving for in my life) and “Why Does It Hurt So Bad” (because damnit! It really fucking does.)

But… I also see ads for movies played before the video, just like any other YouTube clip, and I think about how sick it is that so many people will profit from the loss of this great human being. I believe she was great just because she was sincere, not because she could sing. She was “stank” as we call it in my social circle, and that’s a compliment: it’s an inner strength combined with a little soul, and a knowing that you won’t take shit off of anybody, at least not for long.

I even have had to stop several times while writing this and just sob, not just shed a few tears, but one of those heaving cries that comes from your gut. Whitney even said in her song “My Love is Your Love,” If I should die this very day, don’t cry/cause on Earth we wasn’t meant to stay. Wow, the implications of that lyric are more important now than ever. And it’s strange that, dealing with some things in my own life, everyday feels like a kind of Judgement Day for me. So I listen to that song over and over again just feeling like she’s talking to me.

A recurrent theme over the last few days for me has been “gifts,” probably because Whitney had such a great one and literally sacrificed her life to share it with the world. I thank her for that, because I just wanted to be able to sing a little bit, just an ounce of how she was able to, and I could tell it came so effortlessly to her. Anyone who sings, or admires a person because of their talent that they too possess can probably relate. We want to hone our skill to the point where we make it look easy. It was scary how good she was though. It gave me chills.

Really, I think she was simply a vessel for God to work through, and what’s better, she sang about Love. As Generation X and Y, through her music we learned about what Romantic Love felt like before we had experienced it, and we knew God had to be the most generous God, because look what gifted souls he had blessed us with?

I’m not here to idolize this woman, but how do you express such pain about the loss of someone whom you’ve never met? How do you do that without adding to the pressure that is part of what made them break? Is this just a trick of the media? Why does it hurt so bad?

I don’t have any answers. I just know that it does hurt. And years after we lost Michael, I STILL get pissed off at all the drama and controversy of how he died, I still have Michael music video marathons, and think about what could have been. But then, selfish as I can be, I’m also grateful that I even got to experience him through his music, and that gorgeous smile.

Whitney also had a breathtaking, perfect smile…

Culture, Dating, Life, Relationships

Husbands and Wives

“Husband.” “Wife.” Those words just sound so big, don’t they? They just seem to carry so much weight with them.

Recent experiences (one bad date, one great date, and two engagements of people close to me) cause me to think even deeper than before about what the words “husband,” “wife,” “love,” and “marriage” really mean.

I know that in the past, marriages were arranged and were seen as business transactions, and still many are today. (I know I wouldn’t marry anyone who’s broke.) I don’t see anything wrong with marrying for security. But when did marriage turn into being about something that I have been on a quest for since I realized that I was oh so deserving (or at least since I started this blog): Love?

As I was sitting and having dinner with a friend, I began to muse about being one of those beautiful women who was torn between marrying a man for security and being with the true love of her life. Oh, the drama! I pictured myself being meek and mild with the man who did nothing for me between my legs, but who was all right on paper, while he fell deeper and deeper in love with me. And then, running and telling the other one who made me misty in all the right places that all I could do is think of him while I was pretending to listen to my husband who I’m not in love with at dinner. How sneaky. How sexy! How freaky would that be! I even imagined telling the true love that “we could leave today!” Planning my escape love affair with a man who didn’t exist, cheating on a man who I wasn’t even married to!

Just goes to show you that a girl like me has a LOT going in her mind, and needs an outlet for it, and sometimes that causes me to live vicariously through myself. If that’s possible. This fantasy scenario begs the question: Could I marry for anything other than true, drive-you-crazy-to-the-point-of-dancing-in-the-street love? And, if I could, could I be happy? Or would I always long for that man who made me laugh, made me believe that settling for less is like settling for loss, loss of the true essence and purpose of life: A soul connection like no other with another human being…

Women are so powerful now, on paper, making paper. We really don’t need a man to do for us, and we can even do what we love and get paid. At the tender age of 27, I see no reason to lose hope now. I can have it all. And I will. Trust me, when I fall in love, you’ll know. And I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m putting my attention towards things that make me happy. I’ve seen too many people in my life marry their soulmates, and others who made due because it was quite convenient at the time. My resolve is as hard as steel, and I’ll be damned if I settle. But at the same time being alone can be a bitch. Still I can’t help but think I that if I did break down one day, and marry someone I only liked, simply because HE loved ME, and he had money and was nice, blah blah blah…I know I would always have in the back of mind: Is there something better out there for me? Freedom…and TRUE LOVE?

Dating, Friendship, Life, Relationships

Vulnerability=Love-Ability=Being Loveable Pt. 1 (Vulnerability)

What do Meryl Streep, Margaret Thatcher, Michelle Williams, and Marilyn Monroe all have in common?

They’re all power hungry baaddd bitches that inspired me to really open up my heart and pour every good and bad thing that was in it out. Well actually, since this blog is a real chronicle of my life, this post is just a continuation of the one of my previous posts, so I can’t give them all the credit. To add to that, in the past few weeks, I had some people, I guess I could call them friends, open up to me and kind of melt away that scar tissue that had formed on my soul from all that I had been through in the past, and the expectations that set me up for so much more dissapointment. So I definitely have them to thank as well.

In the past 2 years I have learned a lot about people being your mirror, attracting every situation that comes into my life, and how to get more of what I want out of life. I also revisited some old Rules in order to insure that I would weed out anyone who wasn’t absolutely serious about having a real relationship with me; real love.

Well you know what? FUCK the Rules!

Someone like me who is already hard to please, very traditional, and hard on the outside at times (but soft in the middle I assure you) doesn’t need The Rules! What I needed is this book, a book that really tells you how to let your ego go, and I always always must give props to my YouTube gurus out there, namely Abraham-Hicks. Even though my spiritual foundation started in Christianity, the teachings of Jesus, and the wisdom of the Bible, I, like the Universe, am always expanding.

Now I can honestly say that I have used the truths that I’ve learned from friends, admirers, and former friends with no benefits, wisdom seekers, Facebookers, my sisters, and my parents (who’ve been married for over 30 years and are still so cute together) to confront myself and realized that I was being my own worst enemy when it came to the thing I wanted most: Love.

All of the women  in my real life and the women who starred in two particular movies are now special to me (well, Marilyn Monroe has been special to me ever since high school, watching E! True Hollywood Story and I’ve channeling a bit of her and Dorothy Dandridge every once in  a while, ever since.) because in Meryl Streep’s performance in The Iron Lady, her portrayal of Margeret Thatcher in her prime was moving, fiery, and made me want to run the world. Michelle Williams in My Week with Marilyn was all consuming and all to true to all I had previously thought I knew about the superstar, and both actresses were heartbreaking. What made it so was their vulnerabilty, as actresses and that carried over into the characters they played. They gave it all up because they had nothing to lose, and it made you want to love them. (More so with Marilyn because she’s hot, but watching Meryl Streep looking that age did make me want to call my grandmother.)

Tonight was just broken hearts all over the place. After seeing these two movies (of course I “snuck in” to watch the 2nd one) I walked into the men’s bathroom like it meant nothing, and then I went to a bar, had a glass of plum wine and cried my eyes out. But I also reached out. I called someone whom I hadn’t been very nice to recently and told them they could call me any tiime if they needed to talk. They were going through a rough time, so they were very appreciative. So was I. Just to know that I could be there for someone and refrain from making it about me, that felt good. But if doing good didn’t feel good, none of us would do it, so we’re all just selfish bastards anyway, or at least we should be. But I digress. I also gave it all up, broke every rule in the book, and I called my ex…

And it was the best rule I ever broke in my life, because I got to express myself, and hear several words of love that I had not heard in years. It felt good to be cared about, to be told I’ll always have a place in someone’s heart. Besides, years ago I bought a pin that had a quote “Well behaved women rarely make history.” Apparently it was the words of the late Marilyn Monroe. And I don’t just want to make history, in my little world, I already have.

From my Facebook Album "Sometimes Pain Can Be Beautiful."

Stay tuned for Part 2…(Working on the Love-Ability part LOL…)