This weekend was bitter sweet. The sweetness was I had the debut of my acting career (in Dionne Fairbanks) a play that ran for a weekend in New York City, Off Broadway, after 10 years. Many of you don’t know this but acting is what I came to New York to do. I never did though. I did many other things that I felt I enjoyed more, like modeling and singing…and most recently writing and blogging. It’s all my calling. I live to express.
The bitterness was man I’ve been sleeping with for the past few months wasn’t there to see this triumphant moment in my career. Long story. Actually, pretty short. Death in the family. It’s never expected. I didn’t know about this until the last day of the show. So you can imagine my pain. I was very disappointed.
Still the show had to go on, I had to go on.
So I put on my make up, my costume, my wig, and I took selfies until the pain subsided. I’ve come to terms with the fact that looking good and feeling sexy can help a thousand woes. I seriously have used makeup to improve my mood and I’m not ashamed of it. In an effortless attempt to be more naked emotionally and at a soul level I have stopped wearing foundation on my face. It improved my confidence in a deep way. For the stage though, I went through what used to be my daily ritual of applying foundation and 5 or 6 other pieces of makeup.
If you read in my erotica blog about my exercise in submission with a man I was involved with you will see how sexuality, femininity, and power all intertwine. I have never felt so powerful than when I was utilizing my sexuality. Maybe that’s why in my early 20′s (ooh! I feel so old…being able to say “early 20′s”) I was a fan of one night stands. Many times when I went out with the intention of having sex, choosing the partner, and bedding him, I felt great about it. I walked away lighter. I didn’t understand that sometimes it had spiritual repercussions. But there was something powerful about it.
Feeling bad in the morning (which I’ve started a 6th journal simply about how I feel when I wake up in the morning) can be remedied by getting dressed up and looking sexy that day. I like to be seen, complimented, and I like to feel beautiful, so it helps. Plus, after you apply your mascara…there’s no more time to cry. Still through the pretty, tears are shed. But at the end of the day you have to find the beauty in the ugliness. I feel comfortable in both. But I feel a major boost in my confidence when I emphasize all that makes me sexy.