If I really thought my thoughts changed my reality, then wouldn’t I be spending my energy on changing my thoughts especially if I don’t like my reality? I love my reality. It is either love, or a CALL for love. And this sweet pain has become delicious, bc I’m letting myself feel it, and existential crises are now healed by Love. I think my deepest fear is that I am not Loved and can never truly Love anyone. That I will remain with this pain forever. But slowly and surely….my reality reflects something different. I self soothe fuck outta myself. I curse myself then correct it….I tell myself that everything I see outside of myself is actually in my own mind. If perceive that I am neglected, it is because I am neglectful of myself. I’m a wild woman, but I don’t allow myself to be at all times. Sometimes I’m calm and that seems more acceptable to people. Sometimes I’m really committed and see a future with myself, other times I just want to run away from any routine and explode into impossibilities, leaving love, tenderness and destruction where ever I spin, like a tornado, (Oya – Sudden Change, Purification). Sometimes I am an Ocean and wanna have lots of babies and cater to everyone around me with nurturance and Momma-Love (Yemaya). At times I am the River, gushing with life, sensuous, gathering and attracting all kinds of gifts, giving them away without a care, drenched in gold and sunglight. Oshun, my dominant kind of thing. I am all of these things within a single DAY. Oh well, I guess I am a woman.
I want to start going high raw today!
Mid-April 2008. My gynecologist told me my uterine fibroid tumors (aka “fibroids”) had grown to a size equaling a 16-week fetus. Lots of women — 25% of all women, 50% of Black women — have fibroids. Not a biggie. But carrying the equivalent of a 4-month old fetus can start to affect your quality of life. (And I don’t just mean being denied a flat stomach!) I had been enduring pain and “inconveniences” for awhile, and my doctor advised me to have the tumors surgically removed. Well, I might have considered that as an option… until she explained the procedure:
First, my uterus (a woman’s is normally the size and shape of an upside down pear) would be lifted out of my lower abdomen and placed on top of my stomach where it would then be manually searched for the hardened growths that are to be cut away. She compared this to pinching and squeezing a pillow with your fingers to find…
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It seems like the last few years we’ve been hearing the term self love everywhere. It’s become an effective, yet confusing, marketing tool. While this messaging at first seemed like a positive step, it’s clearly more about selling the product than celebrating women, better known as the consumers. Love yourself by using this deodorant… Love yourself by buying this $50 wrinkle cream. Hurry, you’re almost 30!.. Love yourself by fulfilling your chocolate craving with this fiber bar that tastes like kitty litter… they’ve convinced us that self love is about “indulging” in a piece of sugar-free candy. That’s certainly not a bad idea, but we’re selling ourselves way short. There’s something we can tap into that’s much more powerful and long-lasting, and it’s as natural as a 3:00 pm yearning for something sweet.
Self love actually means putting yourself and your needs first. Sometimes this feels like we’re disappointing others or being selfish, but it’s kind of like how on the airplane you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs. Women have a hard time with this since patriarchal systems have convinced us that our sole purpose and the measure of our worth is based on taking care of others. But this is why taking care of and loving ourselves is such a crucial step towards liberation.
It may sound like a tall order, smashing patriarchy and all, but one way to generate self love is by doing just that: masturbating. Self-cultivation, as Oprah calls it, truly enables us to take control. By fulfilling our needs, we are owning our power. Exploring our bodies and what brings us pleasure enables to get connected with our true selves on a deep level. Think of it almost like physical meditation, because the benefits are similar—increased clarity, fulfillment and joy, to name a few. By experiencing self-created pleasure, we find we don’t need to depend on someone else. Once this is realized, an overwhelming sense of freedom sweeps in.
In addition to the mental and emotional benefits, many studies show the overall health advantages of masturbating. If happiness and higher self esteem aren’t enough to convince you, loving on yourself also prevents UTI’s and lowers blood pressure. There are all different techniques and tools to play with, as noted by Adam and Eve, and they include standard vibrators, clitoris-stimulating devices, G-Spot massagers, and several others. Keep in mind that everyone’s body is different. Start out with some gentle vaginal massaging and work up to more intense stimulation. This is about doing what feels good for you. What’s most important is letting go of preconceived notions and enjoying yourself.
Self love isn’t just for when you’re solo. Having healthy sexual relationships with ourselves leads to improved relations with our partners. It’s no surprise that Psychology Today states that masturbating is the number one key to sexual happiness. When we’re comfortable with our bodies and aware of what we like, we’re able to communicate that to our partners. This is a win-win situation. It relieves stress for our partners since they won’t be playing the guessing game. They can enjoy themselves knowing they’re pleasing us, and we can enjoy being pleased.
It’s true what they say: “You can never love anyone until you learn to love yourself.” So re-think all that time, money, and energy you put into pleasing other people. Maybe next time you’re getting ready for a date, avoid the crippling emotional distress of applying false eyelashes and instead connect to the divine within yourself.
That time I simultaneously felt jealousy and a sweet tingling in my pussy…WTF?
How could this be? How could I be turned on by a thought that scares me?
I used to punish myself and turn myself on with thoughts of my lover having sex with someone else. This is the first time I realized jealousy could be a tool. The fantasy would be him taking her in the bedroom while I sat outside of the room and cried. But yet, I was able to have some pretty good orgasms with this line of thought.
The man I’m seeing has a ton of female “friends.” Talldrankawater that he is I assume that every woman in his life who poses as a mere friend wants to sleep with him. Just like I assume that the men in my life want to sleep with me, talldrankawater that I am. Slight to severe jealousy is present into that current situation. I got rid of it for a while by wishing it away. But it came back.
I do a lot of projecting. Like all those times I assumed that all of my various boyfriends would love my best friend, and fall in love with her if they met her. I made sure they knew all of her great qualities and would have us all hang out. Of course, until I met the new guy through her. Then when I looked at the situation I realized that he had never given me any indication that he liked as anything more than a friend. No, really it was me who was harboring those feelings and couldn’t own them enough to own them. (I realize I repeated myself but that’s the best way I can explain it.)
Every woman I think is beautiful I immediately transfer those feelings to the man I’m seeing at the moment. Now, logic would tell you, since none of the men I have seen have really been like any of my friend’s boyfriends, and her are equally beautiful and intelligent yet not really alike. So why would I automatically assume that they would like her so much? Is it because I couldn’t really believe that they would truly appreciate me? Do they have to choose? Do I appreciate myself?
Learning to. Loving the journey.
None of them really seemed that interested in how they might feel about her, but they were very interested in how I felt. And I’m sure some even wondered why the hell I was doing this? Why was I so insistent on him meeting my friends? I still don’t know the answer to this question…I remember I hooked my first love up with his ex. You know, middle school shit. After I decided we were “better off as friends” (our relationship blossomed after we decided to break up) I really wanted to see him happy, with her. I loved her. Her name was Ashley, and she was just as crazy as me. Jealousy wasn’t as much of an issue because I loved her, and also because I never stopped my relationship with my ex.
It’s fascinating to get in touch with all of the sick and twisted contents in your own mind. Yeah, it’s really fascinating to know all the ways the mind will trick itself; soothe itself, and lie. Thinking about jealousy and all of its implications helps me really look at how I look at the world. Limiting beliefs, please exit stage right.
We are looking for the key to the house that we’re already in. It means that all that we need we are already inside of, and is inside of us. We have the answers. Start asking questions. Or, just get quiet. When I quieted my mind, I found four men in there. An old white man who looked like Santa Claus, a middle aged Indian man who had lived in this house before me, or was considering buying it, a transgender black man/woman, and a 30 something white man who is kind of pessimistic and still lives with his mother. They gave me truths. Looking like an image straight out of the En Vogue video “Free Your Mind,” clad in 6-inch stilettos and all black faux leather, and a feather head piece that reached down the the floor, DIVA, the transgender black man left me with this:
“Oooh honey! It’s good to get out of that box you call your mind.” -DIVA
It’s not without hard work though. And I love that.
Fun. Being an artist means a life full of possibilities…and fun.
By now I have already bought my ticket. I’m moving to LA. As an artist…it just feels important and worth mentioning :)
“Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.” We’ve all heard that quote before, right? I used to respond to inane questions with a pretty irate response.
Now, I just don’t answer questions I don’t want to, or I patiently respond, with love.
Of course I slip up sometimes, but as I mentioned to a friend, who noticed I sounded more “confident and relaxed” lately over the phone…
Here’s 10 reasons why:
- because over this summer i made it a point to be more submissive and relaxed in my relationship
- i focused on pleasing another for the sake of pleasing
- i spent time in nature, grounding, crying…smoking
- i laughed and loved, and never took those moments for granted
- i explained my point of view or my feelings, and listened to others, becoming more vulnerable than I’ve ever been
- i went to the 7th circle of hell from pain and back in surrender (even coiling in my bed grunting like a wild wolf) and reconnected with my cycle, to get to know my womb and blood
- i went home to utah to see family I haven’t seen in 20 years
- i trusted that i’d be ok no matter what
- i utitlized my creativity to bring resources to myself
- i made it a point to hear my ancestor’s voices, telling me they would never let anything happen to me
I did a LOT of inner and outer work to relax my pussy. And it feels so damn good. You can do it to.
“It would be dumb to repeat a mistake that wasn’t successful,” says the world renowned visual artist Derval Fairweather of the Black Militant Movement of the ’70s and ’80s. “[But]we know the artists are the ones who can really turn this thing around.”